Brand new DS - please help, will return the favor :) Forum

[ht2988]

Here's what I got... My PS is much more concrete and developed, and I'm assuming that my DS can be more creative and abstract?

see below, revision posted

[ht2988]

Nothin?

[Remnantofisrael]

1) you use the word "I" a lot. consider the second sentence starting "
2) From reading the first paragraph, I just see an interesting cultural detail that doesn't really establish any unique background that really matter in and of itself. But then the next paragraph contains "the recovered drug addict, and HIV+ gay Muslim first-American-born son of Pakistani immigrants that I am." Holy crap. There is a lot of power in the diversity this brings, but by framing it with that first paragraph I feel it loses power.
3) Saying that you hold absolute beliefs (anti-institutional, feminism, etc.), and spending critical words spelling those out, doesn't show you as unique but rather biased. This isn't to say you are, but you can avoid any thoughts of that by focusing instead on showing us your beliefs instead of telling us. Also, it seems the point of those comments as they are written are to then contrast and contradict them by stating you aren't a contradiction. You tell me, you don't show me, and this, again, weakens.
4) Law schools don't want to hear about endless possibilities. They want to hear about motivated, driven, directed energies. Tolerance is good.

Ok- that was all a bit harsh, but all that said, you have a great perspective and diverse background that I think you can really emphasize well here. Here is an idea-

- Describe a specific instance of Mendhi in a non-passive tense, trying to condense the art and detail of it into a beautiful 2-3 sentences. Then bring in the questions you are asked, but write them as a specific instance. In only a couple sentence response, state that you respectfully but proudly reveal who you are. THEN start a new paragraph that discusses the unique perspective this combination of backgrounds provides.
- I got the idea that the point of this entire DS is that the seemingly incompatible worlds you exist in equip you with a firm and yet tolerant belief system that results in a desire to achieve a tearing down of walls without tearing down people and cultures. Maybe I got it wrong. BUT it took me three reads to really get this.


FINAL THING: this seems like you are a good writer who wrote this entire thing in one sitting and haven't turned it into what it can be. I know that with a little bit of restructuring, focusing, and softening some language, this will be a kick ass DS.

[arism87]

Honestly..

I checked out at "being the recovered drug addict, and HIV+ gay Muslim first-American-born son of Pakistani immigrants that I am"

You can show and explain the importance and influence of these things, but listing them like this makes it sound like "I can't get in with my numbers, so please let me in for x, y, and z!"

[ht2988]

Thanks for the feedback... I wrote this with the assumption (which I believe is correct) that it will be read alongside my PS which spends a lot more time focusing on the hardships I faced and overcame due to my identity.

I actually intentionally listed it that way to emphasize the irony in how we ID ourselves... guess it didn't come off as I had planned

Thanks!

[Remnantofisrael]

If one removes the knowledge that this is a DS, then it may have better worked to your intention. But the purpose of a DS is to emphasize why your background, your situation, gives you a unique perspective/approach/etc. That should be THE goal of a DS.

[ht2988]

sent

[ht2988]

Like I promised, I'll return the favor... Any body have any thoughts about this revision?!