EDITED asian ps. slightly less asian. seeking help! Forum

[alicen]

okay. so i redid this because it was awful. hoping it's better now, but i know it's still not great. any and all advice or suggestions welcome.

Beijing kept all its best treasures tucked away, I realized, turning another corner to follow the heavy fragrance of street food. I had gone in search of my favorite snack, the ubiquitous egg pancake, and a language partner to practice my Mandarin. Eventually I found both at a particular pancake stand in an alleyway that I came to know by heart.

A girl in her late teens took charge of handling the hot objects and expertly folding pancakes into even squares. Her younger brother made change. I mostly talked with the girl, thinking our similar ages lent to an inherent kind of kinship; I duly began with questions of shopping, restaurants, and the expected release date of Jay Chou’s next album. She seemed to humor my mundane chatter for a week or two, but we moved quickly onto the subjects that actually concerned her: education reform and rural migrant rights. Her family had moved to Beijing in hopes of higher wages and better education, but government policies prevented her and her brother from entering the school system. I had heard little of the problems facing rural workers who moved to the city, but when I expressed my surprise she seemed unfazed. “Only tourists like you would ever listen to me,” she said, “and what can you do?” My speech, which had shown favorably the long hours of practice up to that point, halted, and while I felt she had just led me to the crux of the issue, I could not tell her so.

I had envisioned a career in finance well before I ate my first egg pancake. I secured an internship at a Shanghai-based investment bank in 2009, glad for another taste of China’s culture prior to embarking on a career path utterly separate from my recreational interests. There, however, I found myself more concerned with the lives of the ordinary people than with the numbers I researched and analyzed. I spoke with corporate lawyers and entrepreneurs, directing conversation toward matters affecting Chinese citizens and away from corporate strategy and finance. My interest in the latter had waned considerably, and I was instead committed to a silent promise that I had made the previous summer.

I never nurtured any vague ideas to save the world, and my tongue-tied response to the challenges facing just one girl in China seemed to reinforce the futility of such notions. Yet somehow I gathered encouragement from her question. Throughout college, my experience in advising and mentoring capacities inspired confidence in the small differences I could make. I enjoyed working individually with people from a wide range of backgrounds, because I had faith in their determination and in my own ability to help. I had been mistaken when I imagined that the girl and I were quite so similar; her life had taught her not to waste breath on deaf ears, whereas I knew the results of combined effort and enthusiasm in the successes of those I mentored.

I forged a connection between my interest in Chinese and my dedication to volunteer work through a partnership with a nearby Chinese church. I initially organized the opportunity in order to improve my speaking proficiency while helping the church members, most of whom were recent immigrants, learn English. Aware of the limitations they confronted, I tailored lessons and discussions to relevant topics, including immigration, naturalization, and employment, enabling them to tackle these challenges with fluency and conviction. I shared in the pride and satisfaction of their achievements, and cemented the focus of my own aspirations. Wherever I may be, I hope to help give a voice to the people who lack it within my community.

A solid grasp of Mandarin and a command of English instruction were the main tools at my disposal to help the members of the Chinese church, but the exposure I gained to their struggles only reinforced to me the presence of law and politics in so many aspects of public service. Law is another language with which I may support my community, and I believe an education in law would aid me greatly, even in the work of small differences.

[2030]

Reads too much like a resume and doesn't explain why you want to go to law school. Sounds like you have a lot of good experiences to draw from, just need to reshape them.

ps totally jelly that you can speak Mandarin

[alicen]

yeah i agree about the resume thing... i'm just not sure how to incorporate them when i feel like they're not as cohesive as i'd like? and if overall i feel like my experiences are sort of lackluster compared to everyone else on here, not sure how much to include or how detailed and story-specific to be.

also, do you think i have to explain / the essay assumes an explanation for wanting to go law school?

finally, yes, chinese is super fun!!

[alicen]

bump

[Kaitlyn]

okay. so i redid this because it was awful. hoping it's better now, but i know it's still not great. any and all advice or suggestions welcome.

Beijing kept all its best treasures tucked away, I realized, turning another corner to follow the heavy fragrance of street food. I had gone in search of my favorite snack, the ubiquitous egg pancake, and a language partner to practice my Mandarin. Eventually I found both at a particular pancake stand in an alleyway that I came to know by heart.

A girl in her late teens was in chargetook charge of handling the hot objects, and expertly folding pancakes into even squares. Her younger brother made change. I mostly talked with the girl, thinking our similar ages lent to an inherent kind of kinship.; I duly began with questions of shopping, restaurants, and the expected release date of Jay Chou’s next album. She seemed to humor my mundane chatter for a week or two, but we eventually moved quickly onto the subjects that actually concerned her: education reform and rural migrant rights. Her family had moved to Beijing in hopes of higher wages and better education, but government policies prevented her and her brother from entering the school system. I had heard little of the problems facing rural workers who moved to the city, but when I expressed my surprise, she seemed unfazed: “Only tourists like you would ever listen to me,” she said, “and what can you do?” My speech, which had previously shown favorably the my long hours of practice up to that point, halted., and While I felt she had just led me to the crux of the issue, I could not tell her so.

I had envisioned a career in finance well before I ate my first egg pancake. I secured an internship at a Shanghai-based investment bank in 2009, glad for another taste of China’s culture prior to embarking on a career path utterly separate from my recreational interests. There, however, I found myself more concerned with the lives of the ordinary people than with the numbers I researched and analyzed. I spoke with corporate lawyers and entrepreneurs, directing conversation toward matters affecting Chinese citizens and away from corporate strategy and finance. My interest in the latter had waned considerably, and I was, instead, committed to a silent promise that I had made the previous summer. (You do this twice- ending the paragraph with a cryptic statement that you don't clarify- and it's a little confusing. What is the crux of the issue? What was the silent promise? If you pick it up immediately in the following paragraph it's fine to end like this. Likewise, if you do it once then pick it up towards the end the statement. But back-to-back feels a little muddled.)

I never nurtured any vague ideas to save the world, and my tongue-tied response to the challenges facing just one girl in China seemed to reinforce the futility of such notions. Yet, somehow, I gathered encouragement from her question. Throughout college, my experience in advising and mentoring capacities inspired confidence in the small differences I could make. I enjoyed working individually with people from a wide range of backgrounds, because I had faith in their determination and in my own ability to help. I realized I had been mistaken when I imagined that the girl and I were quite so similar; her life had taught her not to waste breath on deaf ears, whereas I knew the results of combined effort and enthusiasm in the successes of those I mentored.

(A transition like "With this in mind" would be helpful here.)I forged a connection between my interest in Chinese and my dedication to volunteer work through a partnership with a nearby Chinese church. I initially organized the opportunity in order to improve my speaking proficiency while helping the church members, most of whom were recent immigrants, learn English. Aware of the limitations they confronted, I tailored lessons and discussions to relevant topics, including immigration, naturalization, and employment, enabling them to tackle these challenges with fluency and conviction. I shared in the pride and satisfaction of their achievements, and cemented the focus of my own aspirations. Wherever I may be, I hope to help give a voice to the people who lack it within my community.

A solid grasp of Mandarin and a command of English instruction were the main tools at my disposal to help the members of the Chinese church, but the exposure I gained to their struggles only reinforced for to me the presence of law and politics in so many aspects of public service. Law is another language with which I may support my community, and I believe an education in law would aid me greatly, even in the work of making a small differences.

I like it a lot and think you're a good writer. A little wordy sometimes, I've tried to point out places where it could read more smoothly. I don't think it reads too much like a resume; but that's just me.