Final Draft?? I'm hoping so..tell me if you think otherwise! Forum

[daydreamer]

Deleted. Thanks for your help.

[chrissyc]

Just one part that sticks out to me...the ending paragraph..."Through my experience, I have achieved clarity through hardship; perspective and ambition through adversity. " This just sounds a bit awkward to me because you attribute nothing to your experience, clarity...to hardship and perspective...to adversity. So you're missing an element to make it all parallel.

I hope that makes sense. Very well written and congratulations for overcoming such an incredibly difficult experience. Good luck.

[daydreamer]

Okay I'll try to reword that. Thanks!

Anyone else?

[rinkrat19]

The very first sentence sounds funny to me. I've never heard the phrase "put on an image." Project an image or put up a front, yes.

[313D313]

I liked your PS because it was well written and not boring to read. Just be careful with the claims you are making. You say that you want to help people but if you do not have anything on your resume that shows this kind of work or do not give any examples in your PS, your claim is not as credible. I believe i came across this on TLS in an interview with one of the deans (can't remember)

[s0ph1e2007]

The very first sentence sounds funny to me. I've never heard the phrase "put on an image." Project an image or put up a front, yes.

+1

[daydreamer]

The very first sentence sounds funny to me. I've never heard the phrase "put on an image." Project an image or put up a front, yes.

My mother smiled weakly at me in an effort to portray a strong and confident image but I could tell she was as petrified as I was.

Thanks, do you think this is this better?

I liked your PS because it was well written and not boring to read. Just be careful with the claims you are making. You say that you want to help people but if you do not have anything on your resume that shows this kind of work or do not give any examples in your PS, your claim is not as credible. I believe i came across this on TLS in an interview with one of the deans (can't remember)

Do you think Resident Assistant could be a valid example of something on my resume that could back up my claim?

[313D313]

The very first sentence sounds funny to me. I've never heard the phrase "put on an image." Project an image or put up a front, yes.

My mother smiled weakly at me in an effort to portray a strong and confident image but I could tell she was as petrified as I was.

Thanks, do you think this is this better?

I liked your PS because it was well written and not boring to read. Just be careful with the claims you are making. You say that you want to help people but if you do not have anything on your resume that shows this kind of work or do not give any examples in your PS, your claim is not as credible. I believe i came across this on TLS in an interview with one of the deans (can't remember)

Do you think Resident Assistant could be a valid example of something on my resume that could back up my claim?

If you worked there, yes i think so.

[eve2490]

.

[aesis]

This is a great PS.
I'd say the version you have is submittable. Tweak if you care, but I read through it -- it was easy to read, I got the point, and I got to know something about you, an incredible and compelling "something." Good luck!

[daydreamer]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I'll probably add and change a couple lines and then submit this weekend.

I was half-expecting TLS to tear my PS apart. haha

Thanks again everyone. Any more advice is welcome and would be appreciated.