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Beautifully written, but what are you trying to accomplish with this essay ?

P.S. Claiming "a passionate temper" is not likely to help your cause.

P.P.S. "my sister and I's" ?

Thank you for your quick reply! I REALLY appreciate your input.

Well, basically I am trying to highlight a point in my life where not only its occurrence, but my reaction to it helped shape me in some form or fashion. I tried to tie the situation in with my personality and dedication to my decisions and goals in the last paragraph. I guess that does not come across? Thinking...

Thank you for the 'my sister and I's' point out...

The story is fascinating and gripping, but it reads like you're pitching a screenplay not yourself as a law candidate. The anecdote takes up 90% of the statement and does little to reveal much about yourself except that you have experienced a very traumatizing event. You need to define yourself a little bit more outside of just the shooting event.

It is well written, but if that is your point, you are taking too long to make it. Adcomms aren't going to get past the first three sentences.

Also: i've read about 10 PS's that start with "I can still remember the sight, sound, smell, whatever" of some memorable experience. Too cliche.

Understood and thank you for responding!! So..I need to make a point sooner instead of telling so much of the story? I am also getting from your responses that I need to incorporate more of myself and why I will be a successful law student into the statement somehow.

Glitter - I don't want my PS to be cliche so will be re-thinking the first sentence...thank you!

TexasGE wrote:Understood and thank you for responding!! So..I need to make a point sooner instead of telling so much of the story? I am also getting from your responses that I need to incorporate more of myself and why I will be a successful law student into the statement somehow.

Glitter - I don't want my PS to be cliche so will be re-thinking the first sentence...thank you!

There are a lot of rather cliche or cheesy lines in here.

Examples:

"Seemingly, that is."

"undoubtedly flying into my future."

"playing ding dong ditch with my life"

"I am still that 11 year old girl, albeit a little older, and a little wiser, with the same passionate temper and intense dedication, ready to take on the world, face my fears, and embark on new challenges."
-a) a little older? 15 years isn't just a little.
-b) a little wiser? I would hope you've matured since age 11

I'm know that's not your intent, but that's what I thought when I read that.

Thanks flip! They are pretty 'cheeseballish'. I appreciate your help.

Should I change 'playing ding dong ditch' to 'playing a deadly game' or 'playing games'? Remove altogether?

I have a feeling my description of my traumatic event is a little TOO dramatic. Trying to tone it down and work more of myself into the piece.

Thank you so much for the help already!

Cool story brah. lol no really - it was a good story. but then what right? you've been hearing that all night so i'll give my two cents on grammatical issues.

You have a ton of run-ons. I was planning to quote but they were everywhere. I understand it can be considered style as you are trying to tell a story that is fast paced and exciting, but run-ons are still ungrammatical.

I remember every sound, every sensation from that night, the tapping echo of the ball that bounced back

I would go with "I remember every sound, every sensation from that night: the tapping... list, list, list and end list"

flying through my sister and I’s innocent backyard ball game

"My sister and MY innocent backyard ball game" - that's the just correction, not the best choice in words. I don't think an "I" can be possessive. Ever. With that being said:

the man that could have easily murdered my sister and I

should be - "my sister and ME".


hope this was useful.

Thank you, that helps!

TexasGE wrote:Should I change 'playing ding dong ditch' to 'playing a deadly game' or 'playing games'? Remove altogether?

I have a feeling my description of my traumatic event is a little TOO dramatic. Trying to tone it down and work more of myself into the piece.

Thank you so much for the help already!

Well, I laughed when I read "ding dong ditch"...I've never heard of this phrase (just looked it up, so I can see that it's a 'common' phrase), so there's a chance the person reading it hasn't either. So if you're not going for a laugh there, take it out.