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Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:51 pm
by spencer1888
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Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:08 pm
by srb
Deleted per poster's request
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:16 pm
by spencer1888
Thank you! Any thoughts on overall effectiveness?
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:18 pm
by gamblera
"playing cops and robbers and traversing the neighborhood via the fences and courtyards that linked houses and apartment buildings of Brooklyn." sounds forced.
then there is a reference to you being in some tech position in high school. when i read that i was like "why do i care about high school ecs. i want to know about college."
"the program is considered to be a mini llm" by who?? you should talk about how it is sweet, not how it is some mini watered down program of something
all in all, i see what you are trying to get at: "sister made me do shit when i was younger that i didnt like, now it is helping me and has prepared me for law school" but the middle is shaky. work on linking ideas
hope that helps
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:20 pm
by gamblera
you elaborate on things that dont interest me (bookshelves and books etc). I want to read details about stuff that matters (that tax llm program and what got you interest in that, how that program moved you).
srry double post
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:37 pm
by shoop
I've never heard of Meryl Lynch. It sounds like an Oscar nominee had a baby with an investment bank.
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:43 pm
by gamblera
shoop wrote:I've never heard of Meryl Lynch. It sounds like an Oscar nominee had a baby with an investment bank.
definitely correct that. good eye
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:40 am
by SortOfObsessed
I enjoy your writing style, but I feel like the PS itself is too sequential in nature.
What is more recent (i.e. college) deserves more detail in your PS than what occurred years ago. I'd rather you scrap the stuff with "key club" and delve into more detail with your experience with the Volunteer Income Tax Assistance program. Maybe provide more examples of what you did with that organization, who you helped, etc. because it sounds like a role that will exhibit your leadership skills and also your commitment to social responsibility.
Also, "Halfway through the course it dawned on me that taxation and law were intricately related. In fact, taxation is law. I realized I wanted to go to law school." Mentioning your epiphany about going to law school is the worst law school PS cliche of all time. Definitely remove this, or rephrase it in some other way.
"My love of infant criminality" does not sound right. It sounds like you enjoy baby felons.
Anyhow, best of luck to you! Your sister sounds like a wonderful person.
