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I think this is an improvement on the last version. In the closing, I do not think it feels "trite." The only change I would make is to remove the "because" connecting the thoughts in the last sentence and make them two separate sentences. For some reason, that change makes it more matter of fact--to me--and adds emphasis to the last sentence which is really the point of the whole essay.

I agree that your conclusion is not the best. but I really like the rest of it!

I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.

plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.

I felt the same way, but my husband is Muslim, so I thought I was just being too touchy. . . I think plenipotentiary is right.

plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.

I agree. Part of the reason I even started talking about my religion was because the second I said I wasn't Muslim, people stopped listening and I didn't like the idea that they walked away still equating Islam with something bad.

Would it make sense to include this after my sentence about the difference between sikhs and muslims?

hawaii wrote:

plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.

I agree. Part of the reason I even started talking about my religion was because the second I said I wasn't Muslim, people stopped listening and I didn't like the idea that they walked away still equating Islam with something bad.

Would it make sense to include this after my sentence about the difference between sikhs and muslims?

Yeah, that would be the place for it.

Your writing in the original post starting this thread is excellent.

CanadianWolf wrote:Your writing in the original post starting this thread is excellent.

I can't tell if you're being sincere or sarcastic.

hawaii wrote:

CanadianWolf wrote:Your writing in the original post starting this thread is excellent.

I can't tell if you're being sincere or sarcastic.

I think it's fantastic too, and I'm being serious.

Thanks for all the feedback guys but I still need help with my conclusion! anyone have any thoughts on how I can make it better?

plenipotentiary wrote:

hawaii wrote:

plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.

I agree. Part of the reason I even started talking about my religion was because the second I said I wasn't Muslim, people stopped listening and I didn't like the idea that they walked away still equating Islam with something bad.

Would it make sense to include this after my sentence about the difference between sikhs and muslims?

Yeah, that would be the place for it.

I've made the change in my original post. Any other suggestions?