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I'll just make a new thread...

toph wrote:

The best indicator of my certainty was probably that the decision didn’t lead to an easier path, but rather a more difficult one.

This sounds confusing and forced.

You might want to change "correct thinking" on the 4th paragraph to "right choice".
I still like it a lot and think it's a good topic. Granted, I'm really biased because I went through something very similar, so you might want to listen to someone else on that aspect

Thanks for the comments, it helps so much to just have other people read it and catch things that sound weird to them. I read it so many times myself that it's hard to notice things.

I'm no guru, but I'll throw some thoughts your way.

- Biggest problem is the sentence flow. There were a number of spots in your essay where I had to stop and reread because of awkward wording/unnatural sentences. Try making your sentences shorter and less fancy.

- Taken as a whole, the essay is too abstract and lacks supporting examples/anecdotes. Try writing about a particular philosophy that you have come to appreciate and discuss how you applied it to a problem in your own life.

toph wrote:and promptly graduated with a concentration in pre-law philosophy.

Also, you came to college and promptly graduated? That needs reworded.

But there's definitely potential here! Good luck!

I read this last night, sorry for the late response. I think your second paragraph actually makes the stronger staring paragraph. I wouldn't use the first one at all. I know the point ou are trying to make, but it makes you sound unsure about your path to the point that I was reading the rest of your statement to look for proof that this is really what you want.

MyShisha wrote:I read this last night, sorry for the late response. I think your second paragraph actually makes the stronger staring paragraph. I wouldn't use the first one at all. I know the point ou are trying to make, but it makes you sound unsure about your path to the point that I was reading the rest of your statement to look for proof that this is really what you want.

Ahh, yeah I've heard that a couple of times now. Gonna have to edit to avoid that. Thanks!

Bump. Revised version up top, didn't want to create a new thread.