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Please I need 2-3 critiques, I want to send this baby out by tomorrow. Grammar, fluency, structure, ideas and word choice are all up for grabs. Let me know if it is focused, captures you attention and if it needs something. PM me and I will PM back pretty much immediately. Thank you in advance.

Here is the start, so you have an idea, more or less, what you are reading about....the rest is just a little personal, so I don't want to put it ALL out on the open forum.


As I approached the podium, I saw a sea of faces, black, brown and pale. I cleared my throat and began to speak. Riddled with the anaphora “You can make it, it doesn’t matter” my principal, former teachers, Mami and graduates in the audience listened intently. I had never felt such energy emanating from my being. At the end of the speech, a bedlam of applause erupted from Mathew's Arena, and I stumbled upon a realization; I am the manifestation of the hopes and dreams of many. Not limited to my parents and family, but others who can identify with my experience. To be a Madison Park graduate with a college degree is a rare feat because roughly fifty percent of those who entered as freshmen graduated as seniors in four years, and an even smaller fraction went to college. Looking at the audience I saw a reflection of myself and felt a moral obligation to the crowd. Standing up there, the retrospective culmination of vignettes that pieced my story together flashed in my mind.

Growing up, I never thought of myself as an anomaly.

Any takers??? I just really want this edited from an anonymous person ASAP.

elm84dr wrote: Growing up, I never thought of myself as an anomaly.

Your not.

elm84dr wrote: As I approached the podium, I saw a sea of faces, black, brown and pale. I cleared my throat and began to speak. Riddled with the anaphora “You can make it, it doesn’t matter” my principal, former teachers, Mami and graduates in the audience listened intently. I had never felt such energy emanating from my being. At the end of the speech, a bedlam of applause erupted from Mathew's Arena, and I stumbled upon a realization; I am the manifestation of the hopes and dreams of many. Not limited to my parents and family, but others who can identify with my experience. To be a Madison Park graduate with a college degree is a rare feat because roughly fifty percent of those who entered as freshmen graduated as seniors in four years, and an even smaller fraction went to college. Looking at the audience I saw a reflection of myself and felt a moral obligation to the crowd. Standing up there, the retrospective culmination of vignettes that pieced my story together flashed in my mind.

My first PS was almost exactly in line with this...be careful to not sound didactic or preachy. Also keep in mind how many "others" have "never felt such energy emanating from my being" when they start their personal statement. Also keep in mind college enrollment nationwide is only 41% so by that everyone applying to law school is in the same crowd as you.

Also this line "Riddled with the anaphora “You can make it, it doesn’t matter” my principal, former teachers, Mami and graduates in the audience listened intently." is confusing.

Would you like me to PM the rest? The anomaly part is part of the 2nd paragraph. I've been told I am an anomaly because of where I come from, what I have been through and who I have become. Obviously I did not say enigma, just a rarity. I'll PM you with the rest if you are interested.