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MBC1989 wrote:Here's my second draft. Be as brutal and honest as desired. Also, please do not quote large sections of this. I plan on taking it down after awhile. Thanks.

Stronger introduction: This introductory paragraph does NOT make me want to continue reading, it's just a bunch of facts strung along about not very interesting material.

However, I was only getting to experience a small segment of the culture because our relatives belong to the modicum of people which make up the upper class. Never talk about your class unless you're in the extreme bottom of the socioeconomic ladder While spending time in Mexico City, I was able to see the widespread destitute population spread about the mountains in cement housing, but this never had an effect on me because I was not experiencing it firsthand. <--Makes you seem completely unempathetic douche

His life story, dedication to his family, and hard work were all venerable characteristics that much of the American population does not embodyDissing Americans to a panel of admins who you dont know is never a good idea, one of them may be super patriotic

My experiences with my relatives and my father’s company have made me not only appreciate my Mexican heritage but also the human race as a whole <-- generic pageant statement