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If you guys could give me feedback on the statement, that'd be great. I need to cut it down a little because it's a little long so let me know of any portions you guys think could be removed. I'm also a little unsure about my list of accomplishments at the end, I wanted to substantiate my changes and demonstrate my improvements but I'm not sure if it comes out the right way.

Thanks in advance for the help.

That intro is money. Keep that regardless of whatever you decide to tweak.

Take out the part about your professors and class load. Concentrate on personal growth. Put the rest (how it impacted your schoolwork) in a GPA addendum if needed. Shorten your sentences. Overall, though, I think it's good.

(and for shortening, I could do without a few things. Such as what you were thinking as you walked down the stairs... I know it details the narrative but it doesn't really add anything)

Subjects of vision can "come into focus";
one's eyes can begin focusing, but they don't "come into focus."

I cannot read "cloak of invincibility" without thinking of an Invincibility Cloak without thinking of an Invisibility Cloak.

Thanks so much for the help, guys. I'd appreciate any additional feedback before I rework some changes into my third and hopefully final draft.