Diversity Statement Critique Forum

[MBC1989]

...

[MBC1989]

Also, if anyone wants me to critique anything in return just PM me.

[Batfink55]

I'd watch your tone in this. It lacks sincerety to me.

[MBC1989]

Thanks. Could you be more specific? Anyone else?

[MBC1989]

Bump. Any thoughts/suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[2014]

The third paragraph is a bit over the top. It makes you sound rather arrogant and it makes your family sound pretty discriminatory.

While I understand that it is important for you to show that you have grown to appreciate your heritage and commonalities with others from Latin America, I think you can do it while making yourself look a little better.

[MBC1989]

The third paragraph is a bit over the top. It makes you sound rather arrogant and it makes your family sound pretty discriminatory.

While I understand that it is important for you to show that you have grown to appreciate your heritage and commonalities with others from Latin America, I think you can do it while making yourself look a little better.

Do you mean the second paragraph?

What do you think about it as a whole?

[ShuckingNotJiving]

lacking in depth.

stereotypes are bad, you say. unfortunately you're not saying anything new.

you seek to prove that you're an open-minded individual who, although privileged, is in-touch with those less fortunate. However, I read this and think the exact opposite. Sometimes what's in between the lines is more powerful than the lines themselves.

I'd watch your tone in this. It lacks sincerety to me.

i agree.

you're wealthy, gotcha on that. but you're still mexican, still a minority. how do you feel about that? get in touch.

[MBC1989]

So, scrap the second paragraph and make it less condescending? And go a little deeper into what I've learned rather than the obvious fact about stereotypes?

Any other suggestions?

Thanks a lot for all the help so far.

[MBC1989]

bump

[achilles]

I agree that you need to change the tone of the second paragraph. It makes you seem too arrogant. Could you try showing how it was initially hard for you to relate to them, coming from a different background? If you had a particular instance of something they did that you couldn't understand I think that would help. I would definitely scrap that you "looked down" on them or think you will "achieve a life far superior".

[MBC1989]

Just thought I would bump this one more time and see if I could get anymore feedback. I will be revising it at the end of the day. Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.

[timmna]

I'm certainly no statement expert, but I thought I'd give you my two cents. It seems like you would be better served to set the statement up starting with your (positive) interaction with the worker and what it taught you. You could contrast that with your own, more affluent circumstance, but I wouldn't put in the parts about your (or your family's) initial discrimination. Then you could end with how this has affected your future plans.

[Sinra]

I don't think that an effective diversity statement focuses so much on why you looked down on various people. There's a lot of you thinking you were better than most. Huge, HUGE turnoff, IMO. Focus on how you yourself bring diversity, not on how your own negative opinions were changed. It comes off really rude. The tone is just all wrong. Not trying to be mean, but I would scrap this and start again.

[abarrios]

.