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dpk711 wrote:This is a very rough draft. Any constructive criticism will be appreciated.

On the dilapidated village soccer field, the score hangs in the balance, 1-1. The unrelenting African sun combined with the occasional breeze sweeps the crimson-red dust into our eyes and sinuses. This sentence seems weird, it sounds like you're saying "The unrelenting sun...sweeps the crimson-red dust into our eyes and sinuses." The sun is not sweeping; the breeze is. Try restructuring it. Also, I think you could just say crimson instead of crimson-red I give the ball everything my left foot has to offer—it sails into the wooden goalpost. “GOAL!!!” my teammates scream gleefully as they swarm me. Together, we felt like we just won the world cup. I think World Cup should be capitalized Whether it was playing on the soccer pitch, chatting at the street market, digging in the cassava fields, or congregating at the village church, I have experienced the joys of being Ugandan.

My life in Africa started as a 6-year old when my parents decided to go to Uganda as missionaries in 1994. Ever since, I desired to be part of the Ugandan societal fabric. Of course the joyous moments were not the only ones I shared with my Ugandan brothers and sisters. Like many other Ugandans, I lost a (adopted) brother not because of an incurable disease but because of incompetent doctors. I think you should not put adopted in parentheses. It seems awkward and, reading it in my head, it sounds weird saying "a adopted" instead of "an adopted" I have experienced the pains of the number one killer in Africa, malaria, a myriad of times. Nevertheless, witnessing death and suffering did not stop my desire to be Ugandan. Instead I more readily depended on the tightly-knit African community during times of adversity. Being Ugandan taught me to live everyday like it is my last and to appreciate the things I already have.

Growing up in East Africa, I experienced the joys and hardships Ugandans face everyday. As a result, at XXX Law School, I am confident that my unique upbringing will translate into a perspective that may enhance learning it the classroom because, though I may be Asian by blood, American by citizenship, I am African by heart.

dpk711 wrote:Your concerns about legitimacy I guess is understandable, But I can tell you honestly that I really did feel like a part of Ugandan society during my life in Africa. Going to law school and getting a quality legal education will help me advocate against the injustices that go on in Uganda. I know this may sound corny, but it is just the truth.

dpk711 wrote:Your concerns about legitimacy I guess is understandable, But I can tell you honestly that I really did feel like a part of Ugandan society during my life in Africa. Going to law school and getting a quality legal education will help me advocate against the injustices that go on in Uganda. I know this may sound corny, but it is just the truth.

Snoring Meatball wrote:I like it.

I am sorry about your brother. Did you put "adopted" in there for our knowledge, or is it in the PS? I think the clarification makes it sound like you're saying that the loss of your adopted brother wasn't as big of a deal as the loss of a biological sibling. That raises some questions for me. I can't tell whether this was your best friend who was two years younger than you or if it was a child you didn't know well because your parents adopted him over there when you were 20. Just a thought.