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first post, first draft
Posted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:14 pm
by smoomerz
Duly noted. Thanks for your input.
Re: first post, first draft
Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:49 pm
by smoomerz
27 views and no comments... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'd be glad to trade or review the PS of anyone who asks. Thanks in advance.
Re: first post, first draft
Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:54 pm
by eliekedourie
My gut reaction to the first paragraph was to roll my eyes. I felt cheated by the revelation that you were involved in a re-enactment rather than actual conflict. I don't think the hook is effective. You set the reader's expectations very high and then...ta da! You fail to meet them. It made me want to stop reading then and there. I would start your revisions by more honestly portraying your experiences that day or finding a more honest hook.
Re: first post, first draft
Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:00 pm
by bk1
Things that are bad (in no particular order):
1. Resume regurgitation.
2. Overdramatizing a war reenactment.
3. Bringing up the US Constitution.
4. Talking about your family for no reason.
5. Not having a focus.
6. Being vague.
7. Resume regurgitation (might have mentioned this earlier).
8. Saying "the real world."
Probably more but this really needs work. Scrap and start over.