first post, first draft Forum

[smoomerz]

Duly noted. Thanks for your input.

[smoomerz]

27 views and no comments... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'd be glad to trade or review the PS of anyone who asks. Thanks in advance.

[eliekedourie]

My gut reaction to the first paragraph was to roll my eyes. I felt cheated by the revelation that you were involved in a re-enactment rather than actual conflict. I don't think the hook is effective. You set the reader's expectations very high and then...ta da! You fail to meet them. It made me want to stop reading then and there. I would start your revisions by more honestly portraying your experiences that day or finding a more honest hook.

[bk1]

Things that are bad (in no particular order):

1. Resume regurgitation.

2. Overdramatizing a war reenactment.

3. Bringing up the US Constitution.

4. Talking about your family for no reason.

5. Not having a focus.

6. Being vague.

7. Resume regurgitation (might have mentioned this earlier).

8. Saying "the real world."

Probably more but this really needs work. Scrap and start over.