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I would rewrite your second paragraph. It comes accross in the wrong way to me, but I can't really describe why. The point of it is essential to the PS though, so I would just try rewriting it to come accross less omnipotent.

asoli wrote:I would rewrite your second paragraph. It comes accross in the wrong way to me, but I can't really describe why. The point of it is essential to the PS though, so I would just try rewriting it to come accross less omnipotent.

Agreed. I did not like the 2nd paragraph at all. It sounds incredibly pompous. Way too much "however, therefore, thus, additionally, yet." And saying that you "deduced" that she'd fall from "acute observations" is just grating. This is not Sherlock Holmes finding the purloined letter, this is having the common sense to see that ill-equipped hikers in bad terrain are likely to get hurt. Duh.

Perhaps it could be rewritten with less emphasis on the brilliance of your deductive powers and more on your attempts to convince the stubborn head counselor to take another route home, your frustration at being unsuccessful, and your subsequent decision to become a better advocate for yourself and the things you believe in.

Yeah I think I get what you all are saying about the 2nd paragraph. Any opinions about the way it ends though?

Lady_In_Red wrote:Yeah I think I get what you all are saying about the 2nd paragraph. Any opinions about the way it ends though?

The second paragraph needs to be redone, but that's all I'll say about that in an effort to not be too redundant.

I'm not quite sure I like the topic, either. You go from a mountain climbing accident to social justice. Social justice is interesting, but it's not personal. I can understand that you want to make the world and the legal environment more accessible for all, but it's just not personal enough for you (a personal story about someone who was tyrannized by lack of access is perfect).

I think it needs a lot of work. Your writing style isn't the problem (which is a good thing). Rather, and i'm sure you'll hate this, I would recommend a new topic.

Is this the same draft you were looking to swap?

Yea Chris this was the same one I wanted to swap


Jerry, what specifically do you mean by it needs a lot of work? I agree that mountain climbing and social justice are not necessarily compatible topics, but in the context of my PS, I thought I tied them together along the advocacy theme. Is the advocacy theme not salient enough for you?

Lady_In_Red wrote:Yea Chris this was the same one I wanted to swap


Jerry, what specifically do you mean by it needs a lot of work? I agree that mountain climbing and social justice are not necessarily compatible topics, but in the context of my PS, I thought I tied them together along the advocacy theme. Is the advocacy theme not salient enough for you?

I think the issue is that it seems like you had to make the mountain climbing story into social advocacy. With your sociology degree, did you ever do clinics or internships where you got to work with the people you're talking about? If what you're interested in is advocacy, I think you really need to talk about your past experiences with it and other nonprofit, volunteer experiences. There are a lot of people who have spent years of their lives working toward advocacy goals before law school and, not to be harsh, but if you don't have much experience with it, I would advice against focusing your PS on that.

Anybody willing to read my PS? I am willing to swap PS's as well.

URMdan wrote:Anybody willing to read my PS? I am willing to swap PS's as well.

I won't have time tonight, but I can take a look tomorrow morning if you want to PM it to me.

paratactical wrote:

URMdan wrote:Anybody willing to read my PS? I am willing to swap PS's as well.

I won't have time tonight, but I can take a look tomorrow morning if you want to PM it to me.

Thanks!