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ROUGH ROUGH draft... just want some thoughts...

At the conclusion of my first semester of college in the fall of 2004, I was placed on academic probation for failing to meet the required 2.0 GPA at *** *** University. In addition to being placed on probation, my academic scholarship was revoked as well. My poor academic performance was a result of immaturity and a lack of focus on my part.

I spent the subsequent three years working full-time at a local bank to put myself through college at *** *** Community College, initially as a part-time student and then as a full-time student in 2007. I transferred back to *** *** University in the fall of 2007, at which point I was removed from probation.

I have had no academic issues since. I was on the *** *** Dean’s List in the spring of 2008 and the spring of 2009. I graduated with Cum Laude honors and was a member of Omicron Delta Epsilon, the international honors society for economics. Since graduating from *** *** University I have gone on to graduate school at the *** of *** to obtain a M.A. Economics with an expected graduation date of May 2011.

Thanks guys.

DELETE: "as well" from the first paragraph & your rough draft is a finished product.

Also, in the second paragraph delete "college at", you don't need to say college twice and the last line should read "obtain a M.A. in Economics"

Thanks for the input. Anyone else with any suggestions?