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I need some harsh criticism...
Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:42 am
by hawaii
Im in the process of re-working this.
Re: I need some harsh criticism...
Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:43 pm
by hawaii
Anyone? Pretty please? I promise to return the favor...
Re: I need some harsh criticism...
Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:52 pm
by Jack Smirks
How long is this PS right now?
Re: I need some harsh criticism...
Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:53 pm
by hawaii
About 2 pages and a paragrah... so it can do with some cutting.
Re: I need some harsh criticism...
Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:06 pm
by nataliejane38
I think the first few parapgraphs are too scattered, they should be condensed somehow. You talk about elementary school, then 9/11, then going to India, etc. Is there a way you can combine the elements of these different experiences in order to have a very solid intro paragraph?
Re: I need some harsh criticism...
Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:27 pm
by Jack Smirks
PMed.