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It's just a start, but it's awful enough to not be continued, right? Be brutally honest.
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Growing up as a queer adolescent in India, I did not have many resources to turn to. At the time, I did not know any gay or lesbian adults at all. Attending college in the United States was partly an attempt to find an environment where I was accepted. Freshman year started out with the seeming fulfillment of the promise of acceptance. Unfortunately, two anti-gay hate crimes in during my first month at XYZ University shattered my idea of college as a safe haven. I was drawn to the LGBT community at XYZ as we looked for ways to address homophobia at our Catholic university. I channeled my personal anxiety and uncertainty into activism, as a way of accepting my own identity.

I found making a difference at the micro-level was very rewarding, whether it was changing a conservative Christian floormate’s opinions on LGBT-inclusive anti-discrimination laws or helping a self-destructive closeted resident find support, but I wanted to help address discrimination at a wider level as well. Working with persecuted LGBT and HIV-positive individuals seeking legal asylum in the United States, with Indian lawyers fighting to repeal anti-homosexuality laws, and with LGBT homeless teens in need of legal guardianship solidified my interest in the law as a means of achieving change. The legal field presents a tangible, real way to continue my work with LGBT activism.

Grammar/spelling mistakes aside, I like the upbeat tone of this. I think "queer" in the first sentence just seems a little out of place though

Destined wrote:Grammar/spelling mistakes aside, I like the upbeat tone of this. I think "queer" in the first sentence just seems a little out of place though

Yeah, it's just hard to find the right word instead of queer though. I used to identify as bisexual in high school, then started identifying as lesbian in college, so neither word quite fits there.
I do get that queer is often an uncomfortable word for people.

Suggestions on what I should build upon, if this is worth keeping?

Work on it 'till you don't think it's awful, then re-post?

CGI Fridays wrote:Work on it 'till you don't think it's awful, then re-post?

Yeah, but I'm wondering if this is too awful to be continued, or if it's something that is salvageable/can be worked upon.

Personally, I think it your DS sounds like an awesome start, though it could use some work. You could maybe talk a little bit more about personal experience, as it does come off as a bit like resume rehash, but really, other than that, it's great. And as for the "queer" thing, I, too identify as a Queer woman. I wrote a DS about being a Queer person of color and was trying to figure out the right word to use, since using a word other than Queer just feels disingenuous, at best. I ended up not using a word at all, sort of implying my attraction to women/feeling different. However, I think of Queer is how you identify, then you should be free to say it. The one thing that might make it less off putting for straight people that aren't used to a term like that is capitalizing the word, like you would with Black or Indian. I think that acts to legitimize it as a valid identity and it also gets at the fact that most colleges have Queer Studies programs, wherein "Queer" is a specific population worth of study.

I was not offended by the word queer, then again I might be more used to it than an older group of addcomms. I don't know what you could replace it with, but personally I kinda like the shock value it gives.

I agree that it may be a little bit of a resume rehash, but I think if you explain the programs you were in, what motivated you to want to do them, or what you learned from them, you should be just fine.

In terms of a DS, the content is okay I think. It should be about what makes YOU different, you know?

I would love to read you final draft when you are done. Good luck!!