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Excellent. Much much better. Your intro was very good and you transitioned into your career experience very nicely. This seemed much more alive and organized that the previous version.

Excellence please review mine, I would appreciate your feedback. Thanks.

You can do better. The opening sentence is weak & poorly written. Much of your personal statement seems to be just a verbose rehashing of your resume. Too many details, too little insight.

Thanks to both of you. Samuel, I'll hit up your statement, hopefully tomorrow.

Wolf, agreed on the intro sentence. But I wonder what insight you feel is missing? Do you mean there's a lack of deep thoughts in general? Or does the PS leave you with some specific questions about me?