My personal statement; what do you think? Forum

[JerrySeinfeld]

“I honestly cannot imagine you being successful in life”. I sat stunned and devastated as I heard one of my friends tell me this. It was the final week of my senior year in high school and I was particularly eager about moving on to the next period of my life, going to college, meeting new people, and crafting a path for the rest of my life. I was sitting at the same table for lunch that I always had, with the same seven friends as always. My friend may not remember what he said, but I will always remember how it made me feel. On that otherwise unremarkable day, my life changed. I wanted to be extraordinary; I wanted my life to mean something. Contention was prevalent throughout the first seventeen years of my existence, and I would be ill-fated if I kept it up any longer.


When I arrived to college at the State University of New York at Oswego, no matter how cliché it sounds, I wanted to be extraordinary; I wanted to be proud of myself. I changed my major from accounting to political science during orientation because I wanted to challenge my political background. The world and its inner workings are seemingly dominated by the political culture of the United States, and I sincerely wanted to study that precise subject. I had no idea that political science was a gateway into law, nor did I have any idea what career I wanted to go into with my new major, I just wanted to know more about how the world spins. I was beginning to find the path I so desperately desired.


Scholastic opportunities and success were not the only part of my journey. I am so fortunate in the opportunities afforded to me throughout my life. After my freshman year, I desperately wanted to become a Resident Assistant solely because I wanted to pay my fortune forward. After what can only be described as a grueling interview and hiring process, I received the most proud position of my brief life. While my job can be difficult, it’s well worth the trouble. Last semester, during a confrontation late at night, I dealt with a student who told me he wanted to end his life. Rather than simply recommending him to our health and counseling center, I told him my story as a means of empathy. I told him that at one point my life was not where I wanted it to be, but that never stopped me from trying. That resident now comes to my room every Sunday at noon to watch football with me. While I may have helped him, he will never know the shear sense of elation I receive from him. He makes me believe that one person can make a difference, no matter the size of the person or the challenge.


So here is what I’ve learned from the most important four years of my life, and these values are nothing short of the most proud accomplishments of my life. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. No matter how special or extraordinary one believes they are, that talent can only persevere if you work to allow it to. I’ve learned that leadership can benefit the leader as well as those one intends to benefit. It’s safe to say the people I’ve affected have affected me more than they will ever know. I’ve seen, through my own eyes, that one individual can make a difference. What that one friend said to me on one of the last days of high school career is now the most important foundation in my life.


The reason I want to become a lawyer is not because of the pay check or the recognition. It’s because I find the law as a gateway into a field that, in many ways, forms society’s structure. No other entity in modern society can take away freedom as easily as it can enhance them. I want to use my law degree as an entity that can conform my personal skills, attributes, and experiences into a profession that can efficiently utilize them. I want to become a role model and a leader for Puerto Ricans as well as all races throughout the world who feel as if, because of their ethnicity or life situation, have a success ceiling. I want to use my law degree to motivate others into action. My life experiences always seemed so difficult and unfair when I was younger. In the end, however, they have shaped me into the individual that I am today; they are the structure of my moral foundation. I am positive that ¬¬________ law school has the same foundation and principles as I hold so dearly to myself. If accepted into ¬¬¬_______ law school, I’ll be able to continue my journey for the rest of my life.

[GoldenPuppy]

I think you have a very good start. You need to keep working at this essay, however. You need to refine the language (drop the slang) and lengthen the essay. It feels like it's missing something and the jumps are too big from paragraph to paragraph. Buena suerte!

[JerrySeinfeld]

I think you have a very good start. You need to keep working at this essay, however. You need to refine the language (drop the slang) and lengthen the essay. It feels like it's missing something and the jumps are too big from paragraph to paragraph. Buena suerte!

It's a two page essay, you think I should lengthen it?

I noticed the jumps are there, but how prevalent do you think they are?

[Veyron]

Shit, pure shit. Pick a new topic.

edit: Wow, you were a communications major?

[JerrySeinfeld]

Shit, pure shit. Pick a new topic.

edit: Wow, you were a communications major?

After reading your previous posts, you have one heck of an inferiority complex.

Does it make you feel any better about yourself when you overly exaggerated the lack of quality of an individuals first draft of a PS?

Seriously, get a grip.

[Veyron]

Shit, pure shit. Pick a new topic.

edit: Wow, you were a communications major?

Either you're being sarcastic or you have a sensitivity problem.

Care to explain?

No, you have a writing problem buddy. Usually I point out what is wrong with an essay specifically, but in this case, everything is wrong. How you can't see this I have no idea. Let me give you a tiny taste:

1) You use your essay as a restatement of your resume
2) You come off as completely uninteresting.
3) "Scholastic opportunities and success were not the only part of my journey." WTF?

And the train wreck proceeds from there.

[JerrySeinfeld]

Shit, pure shit. Pick a new topic.

edit: Wow, you were a communications major?

Either you're being sarcastic or you have a sensitivity problem.

Care to explain?

No, you have a writing problem buddy. Usually I point out what is wrong with an essay specifically, but in this case, everything is wrong. How you can't see this I have no idea. Let me give you a tiny taste:

1) You use your essay as a restatement of your resume
2) You come off as completely uninteresting.
3) "Scholastic opportunities and success were not the only part of my journey." WTF?

And the train wreck proceeds from there.

There is something definitely wrong with you. Do you get off by making fun of a personal statement?

1)I've read numerous interviews with admissions individuals who specifically state a PS should NOT be a restatement of your resume.

2) I'm sorry I don't excite you.

3) I'll give you that

[samueljose]

I like your start and the moral that you're trying to convey is powerful I just got kind of lost in the middle. Also proofread for grammar I think there were a couple of words that weren't used properly.

And to the other person, what a jerk.

[Veyron]

Shit, pure shit. Pick a new topic.

edit: Wow, you were a communications major?

Either you're being sarcastic or you have a sensitivity problem.

Care to explain?

No, you have a writing problem buddy. Usually I point out what is wrong with an essay specifically, but in this case, everything is wrong. How you can't see this I have no idea. Let me give you a tiny taste:

1) You use your essay as a restatement of your resume
2) You come off as completely uninteresting.
3) "Scholastic opportunities and success were not the only part of my journey." WTF?

And the train wreck proceeds from there.

There is something definitely wrong with you. Do you get off by making fun of a personal statement? Yes, I do. I wish we still used pay phones so I could give you a dime and tell you to call your mother and tell her that there is VERY little chance of your ever becoming a lawyer.

1)I've read numerous interviews with admissions individuals who specifically state a PS should NOT be a restatement of your resume. And yet you use it as one.

2) I'm sorry I don't excite you. And you won't excite the admissions committee at any school worth going too with this PS.

3) I'll give you that Good, your not a complete waste of skin.

[lalalawya]

[quote="JerrySeinfeld"]“
So here is what I’ve learned from the most important four years of my life, and these values are nothing short of the most proud accomplishments of my life. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. No matter how special or extraordinary one believes they are, that talent can only persevere if you work to allow it to. I’ve learned that leadership can benefit the leader as well as those one intends to benefit. It’s safe to say the people I’ve affected have affected me more than they will ever know. I’ve seen, through my own eyes, that one individual can make a difference. What that one friend said to me on one of the last days of high school career is now the most important foundation in my life.quote]

I probably wouldn't include this paragraph. You should be showing these lessons throughout your personal statement so much that it is not necessary for you to tell them in your conclusion. Also, your whole PS kind of jumps around a lot; it seems like you are trying to fit every meaningful experience you have had, no matter how unrelated, into one essay.

I actually have had the same issue with my personal statement; my first two drafts (which people thankfully tore apart) were pretty much my resume stated in a more eloquent way. Try concentrating on only one experience that you have had.

[vanwinkle]

There is something definitely wrong with you. Do you get off by making fun of a personal statement? Yes, I do. I wish we still used pay phones so I could give you a dime and tell you to call your mother and tell her that there is VERY little chance of your ever becoming a lawyer.

1)I've read numerous interviews with admissions individuals who specifically state a PS should NOT be a restatement of your resume. And yet you use it as one.

2) I'm sorry I don't excite you. And you won't excite the admissions committee at any school worth going too with this PS.

3) I'll give you that Good, your not a complete waste of skin.

This is getting out of hand. If you can't keep it constructive, and can't refrain from being so hostile, you should probably just not post. (That also goes for OP, btw.)

[bk1]

This PS sounds cliche and immature.

1. Your life turned around because a friend in high school made fun of you? This sounds awful.

2. Political science helped you challenge your beliefs? This is highly unlikely.

3. Political science as a gateway into law? Not really.

4. Helping college kids with their troubles in college is not "paying it forward."

5. Puerto Ricans? This seems randomly inserted and has no bearing on the rest of the PS.

6. Veyron is being a dick like he always is, but he is right that this PS isn't good.

Basically you sound like a child. Maybe you are still as young and immature as the PS indicates, but you should really avoid coming off like that to adcomms. I would completely start over. A PS that focuses on how you handled the kid who wanted to commit suicide might be a good idea, I would try that.

[lalalawya]

I agree and like the idea you put forth.

Not only would it make for an interesting personal statement, but it would also provide you the opportunity to showcase your leadership and problem-solving skills and your willingness to confront challenges or adversity head on.

This PS sounds cliche and immature.

1. Your life turned around because a friend in high school made fun of you? This sounds awful.

2. Political science helped you challenge your beliefs? This is highly unlikely.

3. Political science as a gateway into law? Not really.

4. Helping college kids with their troubles in college is not "paying it forward."

5. Puerto Ricans? This seems randomly inserted and has no bearing on the rest of the PS.

6. Veyron is being a dick like he always is, but he is right that this PS isn't good.

Basically you sound like a child. Maybe you are still as young and immature as the PS indicates, but you should really avoid coming off like that to adcomms. I would completely start over. A PS that focuses on how you handled the kid who wanted to commit suicide might be a good idea, I would try that.

[Veyron]

6. Veyron is being a dick like he always is, but he is right that this PS isn't good.

I can't help it, I am the gadfly of TLS. If you kill me, you shall not easily find another.

[czelede]

Okay, bk pretty much hit it on the head but I'll break this down for you by paragraph. I'm skipping grammatical errors but I would suggest you definitely have someone finely proofread this for you with regards to that before you send it out.

“I honestly cannot imagine you being successful in life”. I sat stunned and devastated as I heard one of my friends tell me this. It was the final week of my senior year in high school and I was particularly eager about moving on to the next period of my life, going to college, meeting new people, and crafting a path for the rest of my life. I was sitting at the same table for lunch that I always had, with the same seven friends as always. My friend may not remember what he said, but I will always remember how it made me feel. On that otherwise unremarkable day, my life changed. I wanted to be extraordinary; I wanted my life to mean something. Contention was prevalent throughout the first seventeen years of my existence, and I would be ill-fated if I kept it up any longer.

This is a very underwhelming introduction, which is not what you want when you have two pages to convince adcomms that you're worth more than your numbers. The first three sentences seem extremely pointless. It feels that the details you contribute are unecessary (the lunch table, the number of friends) and are an awkward attempt at "showing not telling", which, unfortunately, this whole essay is not so great at doing. The last sentence of "Contention was prevalent..." is just awful. Contention how? Because a friend had a low opinion of you? The biggest problem with the direction you're taking here, however, is that you are asserting one sentence said to you by a so-called friend as the single greatest impetus for your life's motivation (side note: what does this say about you, having chosen him/her as a friend?). While it's a common tack to take the whole "life got my down and I clawed my way back up using my troubles as fodder for motivation etc etc etc" point of view, the fact that your biggest hurdle to overcome was a rude sentence by way of a friend (not even a parent or teacher) just makes you come off as immature, naive, and overly sensitive.

When I arrived to college at the State University of New York at Oswego, no matter how cliché it sounds, I wanted to be extraordinary; I wanted to be proud of myself. I changed my major from accounting to political science during orientation because I wanted to challenge my political background. The world and its inner workings are seemingly dominated by the political culture of the United States, and I sincerely wanted to study that precise subject. I had no idea that political science was a gateway into law, nor did I have any idea what career I wanted to go into with my new major, I just wanted to know more about how the world spins. I was beginning to find the path I so desperately desired.

If you have to say "no matter how cliche it sounds", you probably want to rewrite that sentence into something that doesn't sound so damn cliche. Stop with the "I wanted to extraordinary; I wanted blah blah blah" repetition. We got it from the first paragraph and it wasn't any more prosaic that time around. Additionally, to spend an entire paragraph talking about WHY you chose your major? Not the best use of real estate, considering there are a whole swarm of poli-sci applicants and this does nothing to set you apart.

Scholastic opportunities and success were not the only part of my journey. I am so fortunate in the opportunities afforded to me throughout my life. After my freshman year, I desperately wanted to become a Resident Assistant solely because I wanted to pay my fortune forward. After what can only be described as a grueling interview and hiring process, I received the most proud position of my brief life. While my job can be difficult, it’s well worth the trouble. Last semester, during a confrontation late at night, I dealt with a student who told me he wanted to end his life. Rather than simply recommending him to our health and counseling center, I told him my story as a means of empathy. I told him that at one point my life was not where I wanted it to be, but that never stopped me from trying. That resident now comes to my room every Sunday at noon to watch football with me. While I may have helped him, he will never know the shear sense of elation I receive from him. He makes me believe that one person can make a difference, no matter the size of the person or the challenge.

What scholastic opportunities are you talking about? While RAs are certainly important, if you wanted to pay your fortune forward there are a thousand more altruistic efforts you could have involved yourself in. This just seems like a mechanism for you to talk about this position, which is really just a cursory summary of your resume. The story about the kid could be great material for part of your personal statement, but the rest of it - and the way you present it - gives little introspection about you and is really honestly quite dry.

So here is what I’ve learned from the most important four years of my life, and these values are nothing short of the most proud accomplishments of my life. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. No matter how special or extraordinary one believes they are, that talent can only persevere if you work to allow it to. I’ve learned that leadership can benefit the leader as well as those one intends to benefit. It’s safe to say the people I’ve affected have affected me more than they will ever know. I’ve seen, through my own eyes, that one individual can make a difference. What that one friend said to me on one of the last days of high school career is now the most important foundation in my life.

Are you seriously including the "success before work" line to send to law schools? Wow. This whole paragraph is just a self-indulgent pontification about what you think is the meaning of life. Basically you are trying to say that you've become successful because...you made a difference? I'm very confused as to the actual point of this, and how you're trying to tie it back to your friend's words.

The reason I want to become a lawyer is not because of the pay check or the recognition. It’s because I find the law as a gateway into a field that, in many ways, forms society’s structure. No other entity in modern society can take away freedom as easily as it can enhance them. I want to use my law degree as an entity that can conform my personal skills, attributes, and experiences into a profession that can efficiently utilize them. I want to become a role model and a leader for Puerto Ricans as well as all races throughout the world who feel as if, because of their ethnicity or life situation, have a success ceiling. I want to use my law degree to motivate others into action. My life experiences always seemed so difficult and unfair when I was younger. In the end, however, they have shaped me into the individual that I am today; they are the structure of my moral foundation. I am positive that ¬¬________ law school has the same foundation and principles as I hold so dearly to myself. If accepted into ¬¬¬_______ law school, I’ll be able to continue my journey for the rest of my life.

Whoa. Since when do Puerto Ricans have anything to do with this? In line with your essay, you're just throwing random things in here. If this is something that's important to you, figure out a way to work it in (coherently) earlier. Your life experiences were difficult and unfair? How? In comparison to what? Considering the only hardship you've described is a a few mean words (and believe me, most of us have all heard much worse) this in no way flows with the rest of your essay. If you really have had difficulties that shape who you are and drive what you do (real difficulties), feel free to frame your essay around them - you'll be better off for it.


-

In short, this essay needs a ton of work before it's going to be sufficient for a top law school (don't know where you're aiming). You need to pick an actual topic and expand on it, you need to rework your language and grammar, you need to altogether find a way to come across as less of a self-entitled teenager and more like a mature adult ready to take on a competitive graduate program.

[JerrySeinfeld]

Okay, bk pretty much hit it on the head but I'll break this down for you by paragraph. I'm skipping grammatical errors but I would suggest you definitely have someone finely proofread this for you with regards to that before you send it out.

“I honestly cannot imagine you being successful in life”. I sat stunned and devastated as I heard one of my friends tell me this. It was the final week of my senior year in high school and I was particularly eager about moving on to the next period of my life, going to college, meeting new people, and crafting a path for the rest of my life. I was sitting at the same table for lunch that I always had, with the same seven friends as always. My friend may not remember what he said, but I will always remember how it made me feel. On that otherwise unremarkable day, my life changed. I wanted to be extraordinary; I wanted my life to mean something. Contention was prevalent throughout the first seventeen years of my existence, and I would be ill-fated if I kept it up any longer.

This is a very underwhelming introduction, which is not what you want when you have two pages to convince adcomms that you're worth more than your numbers. The first three sentences seem extremely pointless. It feels that the details you contribute are unecessary (the lunch table, the number of friends) and are an awkward attempt at "showing not telling", which, unfortunately, this whole essay is not so great at doing. The last sentence of "Contention was prevalent..." is just awful. Contention how? Because a friend had a low opinion of you? The biggest problem with the direction you're taking here, however, is that you are asserting one sentence said to you by a so-called friend as the single greatest impetus for your life's motivation (side note: what does this say about you, having chosen him/her as a friend?). While it's a common tack to take the whole "life got my down and I clawed my way back up using my troubles as fodder for motivation etc etc etc" point of view, the fact that your biggest hurdle to overcome was a rude sentence by way of a friend (not even a parent or teacher) just makes you come off as immature, naive, and overly sensitive.

When I arrived to college at the State University of New York at Oswego, no matter how cliché it sounds, I wanted to be extraordinary; I wanted to be proud of myself. I changed my major from accounting to political science during orientation because I wanted to challenge my political background. The world and its inner workings are seemingly dominated by the political culture of the United States, and I sincerely wanted to study that precise subject. I had no idea that political science was a gateway into law, nor did I have any idea what career I wanted to go into with my new major, I just wanted to know more about how the world spins. I was beginning to find the path I so desperately desired.

If you have to say "no matter how cliche it sounds", you probably want to rewrite that sentence into something that doesn't sound so damn cliche. Stop with the "I wanted to extraordinary; I wanted blah blah blah" repetition. We got it from the first paragraph and it wasn't any more prosaic that time around. Additionally, to spend an entire paragraph talking about WHY you chose your major? Not the best use of real estate, considering there are a whole swarm of poli-sci applicants and this does nothing to set you apart.

Scholastic opportunities and success were not the only part of my journey. I am so fortunate in the opportunities afforded to me throughout my life. After my freshman year, I desperately wanted to become a Resident Assistant solely because I wanted to pay my fortune forward. After what can only be described as a grueling interview and hiring process, I received the most proud position of my brief life. While my job can be difficult, it’s well worth the trouble. Last semester, during a confrontation late at night, I dealt with a student who told me he wanted to end his life. Rather than simply recommending him to our health and counseling center, I told him my story as a means of empathy. I told him that at one point my life was not where I wanted it to be, but that never stopped me from trying. That resident now comes to my room every Sunday at noon to watch football with me. While I may have helped him, he will never know the shear sense of elation I receive from him. He makes me believe that one person can make a difference, no matter the size of the person or the challenge.

What scholastic opportunities are you talking about? While RAs are certainly important, if you wanted to pay your fortune forward there are a thousand more altruistic efforts you could have involved yourself in. This just seems like a mechanism for you to talk about this position, which is really just a cursory summary of your resume. The story about the kid could be great material for part of your personal statement, but the rest of it - and the way you present it - gives little introspection about you and is really honestly quite dry.

So here is what I’ve learned from the most important four years of my life, and these values are nothing short of the most proud accomplishments of my life. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. No matter how special or extraordinary one believes they are, that talent can only persevere if you work to allow it to. I’ve learned that leadership can benefit the leader as well as those one intends to benefit. It’s safe to say the people I’ve affected have affected me more than they will ever know. I’ve seen, through my own eyes, that one individual can make a difference. What that one friend said to me on one of the last days of high school career is now the most important foundation in my life.

Are you seriously including the "success before work" line to send to law schools? Wow. This whole paragraph is just a self-indulgent pontification about what you think is the meaning of life. Basically you are trying to say that you've become successful because...you made a difference? I'm very confused as to the actual point of this, and how you're trying to tie it back to your friend's words.

The reason I want to become a lawyer is not because of the pay check or the recognition. It’s because I find the law as a gateway into a field that, in many ways, forms society’s structure. No other entity in modern society can take away freedom as easily as it can enhance them. I want to use my law degree as an entity that can conform my personal skills, attributes, and experiences into a profession that can efficiently utilize them. I want to become a role model and a leader for Puerto Ricans as well as all races throughout the world who feel as if, because of their ethnicity or life situation, have a success ceiling. I want to use my law degree to motivate others into action. My life experiences always seemed so difficult and unfair when I was younger. In the end, however, they have shaped me into the individual that I am today; they are the structure of my moral foundation. I am positive that ¬¬________ law school has the same foundation and principles as I hold so dearly to myself. If accepted into ¬¬¬_______ law school, I’ll be able to continue my journey for the rest of my life.

Whoa. Since when do Puerto Ricans have anything to do with this? In line with your essay, you're just throwing random things in here. If this is something that's important to you, figure out a way to work it in (coherently) earlier. Your life experiences were difficult and unfair? How? In comparison to what? Considering the only hardship you've described is a a few mean words (and believe me, most of us have all heard much worse) this in no way flows with the rest of your essay. If you really have had difficulties that shape who you are and drive what you do (real difficulties), feel free to frame your essay around them - you'll be better off for it.


-

In short, this essay needs a ton of work before it's going to be sufficient for a top law school (don't know where you're aiming). You need to pick an actual topic and expand on it, you need to rework your language and grammar, you need to altogether find a way to come across as less of a self-entitled teenager and more like a mature adult ready to take on a competitive graduate program.

Thank you very much. It seems like this was a very poor PS and i'm going to try and rewrite it. Your critisims are harsh, but they are extremely helpful. I really appreciate how you went about it. The other poster just said it sucked and then stopped.

I'll fix it significantly and then post a new one.

Thanks EVERYONE.


(No more needed until I have a new one. Please and thank you.)