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I think this sounds very naive and forced. If feelings of emasculation and being asexualized by the media are the most intense forms of discrimination you have to write about, you're likely to send a message (which you explicitly do in your first opening lines) that all oppression is the same, though it is not. Also, the course of action you took comes off as heterosexist - what if you have an adcomm who is a gay man or lesbian?

Thanks for the feedback ht, I think you confirmed my worst fears.