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The good: You came across as a mature, accomplished, serious individual who was is both driven and knows what you want

The bad: The stool metaphor was a bit forced, the writing lacked power

Overall, it was good.

Thank you for reading! Did the forced-ness of the stool metaphor outweigh any usefulness of the factoid as presented at the beginning?

Excellence,

In my humble opinion, the strength of your accomplishments and clear goals/vision can more than stand alone without the need for the stool.

When I read the second comment that there was a 'stool' metaphor, I decided I had to read the OP.

Then, I was very disappointed to find it was this kind of stool:



and not, well... the other kind.

Then I stopped reading.

This is a really good essay in my opinion. One thing you might want to reconsider is the term "Asian Pacific". Do you mean "Asian (or Asian American) and Pacific Islanders"?

Best of luck to you.

pnw wrote:This is a really good essay in my opinion. One thing you might want to reconsider is the term "Asian Pacific". Do you mean "Asian (or Asian American) and Pacific Islanders"?

Best of luck to you.

Thanks pnw. Yeah, what term should I use? I was organizing an event for an organization called Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (apec.org) and contacting officials from the APEC nations. Maybe I should say, "officials from throughout the Asia-Pacific Region." Thanks for pointing that out.

traehekat wrote:When I read the second comment that there was a 'stool' metaphor, I decided I had to read the OP.

Then, I was very disappointed to find it was this kind of stool:



and not, well... the other kind.

Then I stopped reading.

I feel you man.

Thanks for the feedback, people.

You've given me a lot of useful feedback, so I thought I would return the favor.

I thought that the essay does well giving an overview of your accomplishments and your career trajectory, but I thought that the first paragraph was too long and dense, and wasn't a good introduction to who you are. I also thought that the stool metaphor might have been a little too forced. You do a lot of rehashing your job duties and responsibilities, but that should not be necessary if you are submitting a resume or a LOR from a supervisor. I think there are many ways that you could further personalize this essay so that the adcom can get a better picture of who you are, in addition to your accomplishments.

hope that helps!

Hey, that was really helpful! Thanks jjlaw. It seems like no one is digging the stool thing, and I'm pretty much in sync with that. I was despairing that there could be a way to make my essay interesting/memorable without inserting a complex fact and then drawing it out as a metaphor for my own career, but perhaps there are other ways...

As for the time spent rehashing my job responsibilities, you're right - I do have these things covered in my resume and one of my LORs. I'll look to taking some of it out and adding more personal details. Any suggestions in that realm would be greatly appreciated. Were you thinking of things that would be completely unrelated to the topic of my career, or things that relate my career choice/the experiences I've had so far in a more personal way?

I appreciate it, thank you!

Excellence = a Habit wrote:Were you thinking of things that would be completely unrelated to the topic of my career, or things that relate my career choice/the experiences I've had so far in a more personal way?

I think that any sort of insight into what you did or what you want to do in the future would add a lot to your essay, because as it stands, I don't really get a picture of who you are and what kind of person you are. I can see that you have a lot of ambitions and impressive experience for law and policy, but what kind of voice would you add to the incoming class? If you could personalize it with anecdotes, some humor, or insight, I think your essay could go a long way.

Shoot that is what I was afraid of. Okay... time for a brainstorm. Thanks a lot jj.

The only reason it caught my eye is because I am currently in a graduate program where I've had to do a great deal of research on Asian, Asian American and Pacific Islanders in terms of their educational statistics. (One recently approved acronym is: AANAPISI, which you won't need to worry about.)

However for the purposes of your paper you might want to think about using "Asian and Pacific Islanders" so that it doesn't appear you are grouping them together. You already know there are inherently distinct races within the term "Asian and Pacific Islander" already, but it might be worth your buck to consider it.

Best of luck to you.