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HeavenWood wrote:Please be kind, I just fleshed it out, and I know it has a ways to go

Seriously tough, I appreciate any and all constructive criticism. Is this a good start, do I need to make significant changes, or should I scrap this entirely?

Also, this draft comes out at 1.5 pages, double-spaced. Is that long enough?

Anyway, here it is:

My mother sits in her wheelchair, struggling to move a computer mouse. Its cursor drags across the monitor’s screen, making successive stops on a clickable QWERTY keyboard. Several clicks and minutes go by, the final click triggering a synthesized female voice to say “water.” I open the refrigerator, fill a plastic cup, and hold it to my mother’s lips. Several more minutes pass before I hear a “thank you.”

According to our insurance provider, this is justice. Although my mother would greatly benefit from eye-tracking mouse technology, her $7,000 claim remains in dispute. Because her case of Lou Gehrig’s Disease has progressed from acute to terminal, easing her suffering makes no economic sense from our provider’s perspective. Unfortunately, this is standard industry practice. Health insurance companies regularly refuse such claims to dying clients, shattering their final hopes for effective communication.

My mother is fortunate. Even if her claim is denied, my family can manage the out-of-pocket expenses. Not everyone is so lucky. In an ideal world, quality hospice care would be a given. But in the present reality, all too many terminally-ill Americans are held hostage by their insurance providers, having to fight for even the most basic of services.

Seeing my mother’s struggle has reinforced my aspirations to be an attorney, giving them newfound meaning. I now envision myself working as a healthcare or public policy lawyer. When I see my mother, I see hope. Her illness is more than a family tragedy. It is a personal inspiration, pushing me to work as an activist on behalf of the voiceless, the defenseless, the despondent.

Activism is as spontaneous as staging a rally and as deliberate as lobbying on Capitol Hill. It is informing the masses and engaging the elites. When immediate gratification is infeasible, an activist pushes for long-term goals. Lasting change comes slowly, but when properly pursued, it can endure for generations. As a pro-Israel activist, I relish every opportunity to communicate with my political opponents. Through open and respectful dialogue, I remind myself that no issue is one-sided. Passion is important, but without a level head, activism can quickly decay into destruction.

As a law student, I hope to supplement my prior political experiences, giving myself the necessary tools to fight for change in the healthcare sector. I can work as an attorney, practice as a lobbyist, or even someday run for public office. Law is more than profit margins and corporate interests. It is a vehicle through which we can help the downtrodden and right prior wrongs. Whatever I choose to do, a degree from XXXXX Law School will enable me to work on behalf of the public. More importantly, it will allow me to make a difference.

HeavenWood wrote:One more thing:

My dad and grandfather are ABSOLUTELY PARANOID about me mentioning my work as a pro-Israel activist. I have it in my resume, but they think putting in a sentence about it in my personal statement is "rubbing people's noses in it." I'm only glossing over my work in the field. I'm not trying to politicize my statement or offend anybody. But given the recent intensification of the Arab-Israeli conflict, is there some truth to their fears?

HeavenWood wrote:One more thing:

My dad and grandfather are ABSOLUTELY PARANOID about me mentioning my work as a pro-Israel activist. I have it in my resume, but they think putting in a sentence about it in my personal statement is "rubbing people's noses in it." I'm only glossing over my work in the field. I'm not trying to politicize my statement or offend anybody. But given the recent intensification of the Arab-Israeli conflict, is there some truth to their fears?