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DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:27 am
by sly_lychee
Deleted - Thanks for all the comments. Going to go back and add some details. Hopefully, it'll become more compelling.

Re: DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:46 am
by bk1
It feels very arrogant and the main weakness is that you do a lot of telling rather than showing (which is part of why it comes off as arrogant). You say things like "I am an aficionado," "It is a cliched four character idiom," "I set a goal and achieved it," etc. You're just putting these things out there and telling the reader, work on showing how you are an aficionado, or how/why it is cliched, or how you achieved the goal, etc.

Re: DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 11:10 am
by CanadianWolf
Although I do not find your writing to have an improper tone, I do agree that you are telling rather than showing. After reading your personal statement, I am unable to differetiate you from thousands of other applicants sharing a similiar cultural background.