Please Critique My Michigan Supplemental Essay
Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:17 am
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First, I would hesitate to call your experiences "unique." This may be strictly true (in the sense that no one person's experiences are identical to another's) but "unique" is an over-used word that borders on hyperbole.Throughout my life I have been through many unique experiences. Growing up in the South was not exactly what one would call easy.
Second, I would strongly caution you against painting "the South" with such a broad brush. Perhaps unintentionally this sentence reads as a veiled accusation that "the South" is the root of the problems you subsequently list. Some of your admissions officers may well be from "the South," and you might want to keep that in mind.
This is a big claim that makes the reader eager to hear more about it. However, the rest of your essay never delves into your personal experiences, but rather when you stood as a witness to injustices perpetrated against others. Your essay will be more powerful if you focus either on 1) how you personally experienced discrimination and how you responded or 2) how you responded to discrimination against your friends. If you focus on the latter and didn't do as much as you would like, you could always say that you want to cure your feeling of helplessness by going to law school, etc.I have been a victim of racial intolerance;
Last issue: beware passive voice. Active voice makes your writing more interesting and easier to read. On a related note, also consider rewording your piece to eliminate the repeated use of present and past perfect ("have made," have taught," "have witnessed," etc.). While grammatically correct, this tense can get a bit tiring to read and interrupts the flow of your piece.
Good luck! It is a very good start.
Just finished journal work, I couldn't resist! (and yes, I know internet sources need more than this, yadda yadda yadda)