Top Law Schools

Thanks for the comment!

I think the concept of this is good. It shows a different perspective which is great for diversifying the student body.

I wonder if you could cut it down to 2/3 the length though? Towards the end, when you start talking about the phone call I feel as if it starts to drift a little.

Also I'm not too keen on the Harry reference at the start, I would be inclined to start at, "A symbol of religious conviction, the...". Start the way you mean to continue. The simile may be creative, but what you really want here is clarity and attention to your topic. This is highly subjective however!!

Your main points are religion and a commitment to the environment, is that right?

Make it short, sharp, strong.

Hope this helps

thesybarite wrote:I think the concept of this is good. It shows a different perspective which is great for diversifying the student body.

I wonder if you could cut it down to 2/3 the length though? Towards the end, when you start talking about the phone call I feel as if it starts to drift a little.

Also I'm not too keen on the Harry reference at the start, I would be inclined to start at, "A symbol of religious conviction, the...". Start the way you mean to continue. The simile may be creative, but what you really want here is clarity and attention to your topic. This is highly subjective however!!

Your main points are religion and a commitment to the environment, is that right?

Make it short, sharp, strong.

Hope this helps

I am also wondering whether the Potter reference is a little childish. And yeah, you picked up on the themes perfectly! I will definitely try to edit out some of the flab later on.