Diversity Statement - Critiques Welcome Forum

[bk1]

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[Dany]

Just gave this a quick read through, and I have a couple thoughts. I don't think you need quotes around the different races; it makes the sentence look clunky. Try:

"...between my choices: Puerto Rican. Mexican. Japanese. White."

And cut out "my pencil hovering centimeters above them" - it's an awkward fragment and sounds a bit strange.

Re-word the sentence about JSA and M.E.Ch.A; the part that starts with "the others" isn't a complete thought and it's confusing.

Insert "and" before your mother's roots, it's a series.

standardized test.

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That's just what I saw on first read! Also, I'm not sure if I love the insect/wings/child metaphor. Let me mull it over and get back to you.

It's definitely almost there, though!

[bk1]

Thanks, I wasn't sure on the insect metaphor either, gonna try and rework it to make it more fluid.

[bk1]

Bump for new version (edited OP).