Just one paragraph Forum

[Marionberry]

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[romothesavior]

This is an expanded paragraph for use in statements that don't have a 2 page minimum. Let me know what you think, just in terms of diction and sentence structure. I'm already pretty satisfied with the original, but this one is jsut a bit longer to try and say everything I want to.

While I have found counseling to be admirable and fulfilling work, I have come to feel that my skills would be better used in the study and practice of law. As a practicing attorney, I feel I will be better able to achieve the same kind of positive change on a larger scale, dealing with institutional and systemic problems rather than those of individuals. Working as a counselor has given me a deep appreciation for just how inextricably the field of addiction treatment is connected to the criminal justice system, and how necessary it is that treatment be an integral part of any serious attempt at reforming our nation’s drug policies. Among my personal goals is expanding the use of drug diversion courts, like the Travis County, Texas S.H.O.R.T. program, that offer non-violent drug offenders a dismissal of their charges in exchange for successfully completing a long-term treatment program. Working with patients that are in this program has shown me that it is effective, especially compared to conventional measures such as incarceration or probation. I believe that expanded use of the drug court model is a viable first step in approaching broader policy reforms, since it is recognized as being both more effective at combating recidivism and less costly than conventional punitive measures.

Very well written, but is this supposed to be a conclusion? I really like where this paragraph started out by talking about you and your goals, why law school is a good fit for you, why your previous experience gives you a desire to study law, etc. But then you jump into these policy issues to close it out, and you make it so that the reader's final "takeaway" point is about something other than you.

If this paragraph is serving as a conclusion, you need to find a way to flip the ideas.

[Marionberry]

Yeah, that wasn't the conclusion. I edited the OP to include that too, if it helps put it in context.