draft one of personal statement.... critiques are welcome Forum

[bepurple]

Here is the first draft of my personal statement...Let me know what you think!!


While most kids would be spending their days playing and watching TV, Mine were spent going from doctor to doctor. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when I was seven. Before the diagnosis, I was an active and healthy child. I was living in Connecticut at the time, so I was outdoors a lot. About a year before my diagnosis, my parents started to notice some differences in me. I would come home from school and would just go to bed. My skin became really dry, my nails brittle, and my hair started to fall out. My parents thought that I just needed to take some vitamins and then didn’t think anything of it. After a month of vitamins, I started gaining weight and would be sick all of the time. Then I began to have trouble concentrating in school. After that, my parents decided that it was time and I went and saw a doctor.
It was a long process. I was seeing doctor after doctor and they could not figure out what was wrong with me. Finally, my parents took me to see a specialist. They ran some test and took a lot of blood. The doctors said that it would be a few days before they had the results. It felt like weeks to me and what made it worse was that my parents would not let me do anything. After a few days, we went back to the hospital for the test results. They told us that I had a thyroid disease known as hypothyroidism or underactive thyroid. They said that I have had this disease since I was born and the symptoms have become more present. The doctors informed my parents that if they would have waited longer for me to see a doctor, I would have developed more severe symptoms. As they kept on explaining, I was crying hysterically. No one in my family had this and would be able to understand what I would be going through. The doctors said that I would be taking blood, pills, and going to the doctor for the rest of my life.
I already had some symptoms but I would be experiencing more as I get older, such as low immune system and metabolism. It was really hard to adjust to all of this at first. There were times when I wouldn’t even take my pill. As time went by, my body began to change. I was familiar with all of the symptoms that I had experienced before, but the one that I was having a hard time with was a lack of concentration. I loved school; I liked learning new things everyday in my classes and couldn’t wait for breaks to be over. I had always strived to do my best and when my disease affected what I loved to do the most, I took it very hard.
As the years went on, I started to adjust to this life-changing challenge. In 1999, my family and I moved from Connecticut to Illinois. I was nervous not for the move, but because I would have to get a new doctor and routine. Luckily, my doctor referred me to a specialist in Illinois and the adjustment went smoothly. I was still seeing the doctor almost three times a year because of my levels kept fluctuating. I had started to become discouraged because the process to get my levels to normal was not working. I wanted to be a normal adolescent like my siblings and friends. By the eighth grade, I had made a decision to not let my disease affect my future. I have always been a happy, optimistic person and knew that I had to get back to that place. I never told anyone other than my family about my disease because I did not want to have sympathy or pity.
I always knew that I wanted to be a lawyer, but after I was diagnosed with my disease, I thought it would never happen. The doctors kept telling me that my level of concentration would fluctuate depending on my thyroid levels. I would have to tell my mom when I had a hard time concentrating in school, but I still pushed and challenged myself. By the time I was in high school, I had proved the doctors wrong. I excelled in high school and was apart of a lot of different sports and organizations. I may not have been in honors classes, but I was recognized for my hard work and determination. By the time I was in college, I challenged myself even harder and though there were some setbacks, I did better than what I or the doctors thought. I may not have the highest GPA or LSAT score, but my determination, strive, and persistence will show that I have what it takes to be in law school and to become the person that I want to be.

[paratactical]

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[GettingReady2010]

Go through and take out all the passive voice and then you'll be ready for serious edits.

This. Also, I only ready the first paragraph, but it seems like your PS is made up of simple sentences.

[CanadianWolf]

Simple sentences are good so long as they clearly deliver your message. My concern with your essay, however, is the length of the message. I understand that you have overcome the lifelong debilitating aspects of your medical condition & that you are determined to go to law school & to become an attorney. That is a simple message that can be effectively communicated in a far more efficient fashion than you have done.

[bepurple]

So is the background information too long?

[CanadianWolf]

Yes, because, although it illustrates your determination to overcome the increasing challenges of your affliction, it repeatedly makes the same point.

[bepurple]

ok. I think there are some parts I can take out. But are there specific parts that you had in mind?

[GettingReady2010]

Simple sentences are good so long as they clearly deliver your message. My concern with your essay, however, is the length of the message. I understand that you have overcome the lifelong debilitating aspects of your medical condition & that you are determined to go to law school & to become an attorney. That is a simple message that can be effectively communicated in a far more efficient fashion than you have done.

Yes, simple sentences are fine, but doesn't the first paragraph come off as a little simplistic (no pun intended) because of them.

[CanadianWolf]

The first paragraph is too lengthy. It could be reduced to a single sentence or two.