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I thought the general arc of your essay worked well, but I found some of your language to be a little distracting. Phrases like "melancholy occasion" or "critical piece of guidance" distance you from your topic. Having a strong vocabulary is great, but being able to write clearly, directly, and sincerely is better. I might also eliminate some of the modifiers, like "very" or "extremely"; they actually kind of take the wind out of your sails. You've definitely got something to say here, but I think part of your message is getting lost in 25 cent words and convoluted sentence structures.

haydee wrote:I thought the general arc of your essay worked well, but I found some of your language to be a little distracting. Phrases like "melancholy occasion" or "critical piece of guidance" distance you from your topic. Having a strong vocabulary is great, but being able to write clearly, directly, and sincerely is better. I might also eliminate some of the modifiers, like "very" or "extremely"; they actually kind of take the wind out of your sails. You've definitely got something to say here, but I think part of your message is getting lost in 25 cent words and convoluted sentence structures.

Thank you. I will edit with your advice in mind.