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Terrible Essay Here.

edit- took out since you decided to scrap it

Show, don't tell. Basically, delete any sentence that starts with "I am..." and think of specific examples. Better yet, tie everything to one detailed example.

Get rid of convoluted sentences and long words, they're boring to read after 1,000 essays.

This is a very poorly written essay & should not be submitted to law schools. Your proposed personal statement is little more than a collection of long & somewhat confusing sentences that offer scant insight to you and to your experiences.

Thanks for the feedback. Seems like this one will be scrapped, the writing style I've been forced to use in a literature heavy master unlearned, and I'll have to return with version 2.0. Thank you for the help and the honesty .