PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please! Forum

[DreamShake]

Thanks for the comments everyone!

[CanadianWolf]

Impressive & convincing. The strength is in the honesty & maturity of your insights. Well written except for the last paragraph.

CONSIDER: ending with "I do, however, look forward to the challenge."

DELETE: The other two sentences which reference a particular law school. Don't throw away the maturation gained from your experiences & skilfully shared in your personal statement by an excessively gooey, almost child-like ending.

[ArchRoark]

What did you get arrested/convicted of?

[DreamShake]

.

[maxm2764]

Just to let you know, CandianWolf is fucking with you. Look at his post history and the sarcasm will become more evident.

[CanadianWolf]

No, I am not. The irony, however, is that the above poster is.

[DreamShake]

No, I am not. The irony, however, is that the above poster is.

My conclusion, too.


TLS mischief...

[ArchRoark]

What did you get arrested/convicted of?

I'm not sure how that's relevant to the PS--I describe the crime in an addendum. I recognize that difference crimes have varying implications for admittance to the Bar, but that's a topic for another day. If you really want to know, PM me.

As a reader this keeps popping up into my mind. Do you want the adcomm to flip between your PS and your addendum?

My only concern is that at times I feel you cast yourself as a victim.

[CanadianWolf]

I agree with the OP that the offense is not relevant & that it would detract from the essay's message.
The OP's main point is that the criminal justice system has far reaching consequences beyond legislated penalties & that some of these consequences hamper reform & make recidivism more likely.
The US has the highest percentage of its population carrying criminal convictions of any country in the world.

[lakerfanimal]

I think this is good, seems personal and you address what might be a weakness thoughtfully. I thought the third paragraph would end up being one of those resume paragraphs, but you kept it pretty brief, and talked about how it affected you.

[DreamShake]

What did you get arrested/convicted of?

I'm not sure how that's relevant to the PS--I describe the crime in an addendum. I recognize that difference crimes have varying implications for admittance to the Bar, but that's a topic for another day. If you really want to know, PM me.

As a reader this keeps popping up into my mind. Do you want the adcomm to flip between your PS and your addendum?

My only concern is that at times I feel you cast yourself as a victim.

The addendum is brief, so I figure any adcomm will just consult it quickly and return to the PS. Which part(s) do you think cast me as a victim/do you have any suggestions on alterations?

[ArchRoark]

The addendum is brief, so I figure any adcomm will just consult it quickly and return to the PS. Which part(s) do you think cast me as a victim/do you have any suggestions on alterations?

Well, I just re-read it. I think it is very well written and I am not sure if you can change it without losing too much of your story.

Whether I was being rejected by a dozen apartments or my landlord was trying to extort me, I constantly felt a sense of vulnerability.

who was as biased against former felons as most landlords

Anyways, be sure to check the page length requirements for the schools you are apping to. Most state a 2-page double spaced max. I am pretty sure this is over that.

[DreamShake]

Thanks for the input...How does this sound in place of the first passage you quoted:

"Being rejected by a dozen apartments and then having my landlord attempt to extort me created a pervasive sense of vulnerability. That sensation morphed into..."


This is about 4 lines longer than 2 pages, double-spaced, 11 pt font, 1" margins, so I will have to trim a little bit. In the T14, I think only Harvard actually specifies those limits (and I'm not even applying there unless my retake is 178+), so I can probably fudge a little. Setting the margines to .75" puts it right at 2 pages. I've considered just lopping off the first paragraph--I added that somewhat after-the-fact on a suggestion.

[teaadntoast]

I think this is a good start, but would advise either dramatically revising your first paragraph or scrapping it entirely. No need to waste time and space on bland boilerplate when you've got a compelling story.

This sentence should also be rewritten for grammar: "Whether I was being rejected by a dozen apartments or my landlord was trying to extort me, I constantly felt a sense of vulnerability."

I'd go with: "Being rejected by a dozen apartments and extorted by my landlord instilled a feeling of constant vulnerability." Or something like that.

[DreamShake]

I think this is a good start, but would advise either dramatically revising your first paragraph or scrapping it entirely. No need to waste time and space on bland boilerplate when you've got a compelling story.

This sentence should also be rewritten for grammar: "Whether I was being rejected by a dozen apartments or my landlord was trying to extort me, I constantly felt a sense of vulnerability."

I'd go with: "Being rejected by a dozen apartments and extorted by my landlord instilled a feeling of constant vulnerability." Or something like that.

haha, almost identical wording to my edit in the post above yours


Anybody else in favor of dumping the first paragraph?

[ArchRoark]

Anybody else in favor of dumping the first paragraph?

I personally don't think it adds anything to the story and I feel like your second paragraph hooks the reader quite nicely.

[CanadianWolf]

It works either way, in my opinion, but the second paragraph really grabs the reader's attention.

[teaadntoast]

haha, almost identical wording to my edit in the post above yours

Your edit isn't parallel and is a bit awkward.

[DreamShake]

Alrighty, intro paragraph is getting the kabosh (meaning the very last sentence also is). Added benefit of redicing it to exactly 2 pages, double-spaced, w/1" margins. Keep the input coming!