Help me fix my opening. Forum

[jtb00711]

I feel like my opening is by far the weakest part of my PS. Feel free to critique the entire thing, but the opening is REALLY what I'm concerned about here. Any suggestions would be great! Thanks in advance.

When I was younger I didn’t have the slightest direction where my life would go. I lived alone with my mother who could only work part-time due to her back surgery when I was a toddler. My father, who just so happened to be an attorney, divorced my mother when I was 5 years old and moved to the county south of us. I was too concerned with what the next day held in place than to worry about my immediate future. I went to counseling and still never grasped an answer (why my parents got divorced), but once I started elementary school I had something else to grab my attention. School became a strong passion of mine; I took pride in my work and observed my academic career become academic excellence. Much to my surprise I ended up graduating #10 in my class with a scholarship to any public university in the Commonwealth. Growing up I had observed those around me travel down complete opposite paths; I wondered why did I turn out different?

As I grew older and arrived to the “inner-city” high school I continued to thrive academically and athletically which opened doors that would lead to bigger and better things than I had seen before. While I was earning scholarships and academic awards, several of my teammates and friends were earning time in the county jail. Multiple times my father would call me only to inform me that another teammate of mine was arrested and had called for his services. For example, during my junior year of football our starting wide receiver was arrested for stealing video games from Best Buy. Just last year I heard about another teammate who got fired from his cadet job at the police department because he decided to assault his girlfriend. I hated watching my friends repeatedly ruin their lives; arrest after arrest, some never got the hint that they need to turn their life around. I just wanted to do something to get them back on the right path; I took their transgressions as a personal challenge.

It wasn’t until the spring semester of my freshman year in college, when I took my first sociology class that I realized law is the field that best suites who I am. Mom wasn’t much for me pursing the law profession constantly saying, “Jack, you’re too smart to be a lawyer”, but I never took her word to heart. Learning about the different types of criminals; juveniles, sex offenders, and even murders; coupled with the experience I had with classmates going to jail opened my eyes to criminal law. Why do people commit the same offense over and over again, yet their sentences do not change? Why do juvenile offenders “fall through the cracks” and never receive the proper rehabilitation? The field of criminal law as you see really bothers me, I want to understand these questions and make a difference in the lives of those I plan to represent.

What I believe I can bring to law school is a high level of self-confidence that I plan to spread among my peers. In order to be highly successful it will take an unmatched determination and work ethic, both of which I have developed and want to display at your university. I would not only challenge myself but challenge others as well and help them grow into outstanding young men and women as they continue into the legal field. I’m applying to law school to help out the people in society I grew up with, I feel that I can connect and communicate with those whom I will be representing. I’ve worked in the legal field the past two years and I see the attorneys put the same pride and passion in their work as I do in mine (I understand their work is far more strenuous). I’m here today at the University of ______________ hoping my path of success continues its run through your law school.

[maddox86]

As a start,

nobody knows where their life is going at 5 years old.. beyond that you're right, the intro is disjointed and there's no flow ..

[djjf39]

I feel like my opening is by far the weakest part of my PS

I disagree. The whole of you PS needs to be reworked. You spend too much time stating how you feel about yourself and essentially no time supporting your claims. The paragraph where you chronicle the misfortunes of your teammates seems insincere and lacks any real evidence of why you want to pursue a legal career.

I would print this out, pin it on your wall, and remember that the 1st draft of your PS didn't get the job done.

[jtb00711]

I know it isn't good, but I think I'm going towards the right direction everywhere but the opening. I know what I'm thinking about saying, but when I put it on paper it goes no where.

[billyez]

I believe that the last post sums it up nicely. The second paragraph in particular is very weak to me. This isn't a problem with the opening...it's a problem with the substance of the PS itself. I actually don't think the first couple of sentences are terrible are anything - to be clear, you don't need a whiz-bang of an opening to have an effective opening. I just feel that the foundation of the personal unstatement is too weak for anything to stand upon it.

I know it isn't good, but I think I'm going towards the right direction everywhere but the opening. I know what I'm thinking about saying, but when I put it on paper it goes no where.

Okay, for this to be solved we need to ask a very simple question - where are you going? Where do you want the reader to go after this opening? Once we have that clarity of purpose, the critique can begin.

I will add, however, that one problem with your opening is the focus on your parents. This is actually a problem with the rest of your PS - the problems with your opening prevade throughout the entire PS, which is why its somewhat difficult to just limit a critique to the introduction -in that you continuously talk about other people and what they think but not about what you think. The opening is not only meandering, but moves very, very quickly. Parents. Divorce. Counseling. Scholarships. Why did I succeed while others failed? There's so much going on here but I don't know what I'm supposed to hold onto. Where's the focus? What's the point you really want me to understand?

[jtb00711]

I'm trying to highlight that I was surrounded by people who made mistake after mistake, yet managed to make my own way and make something of myself (even though I had a similar upbringing). However watching these people fail when you could tell they had promising futures really bothered me, and I want to help those who've fallen off (criminally) get back on the track. All while tying in the successes I've had along the way.

[bleu]

--ImageRemoved--

lol

[bleu]

I'm trying to highlight that I was surrounded by people who made mistake after mistake, yet managed to make my own way and make something of myself (even though I had a similar upbringing). However watching these people fail when you could tell they had promising futures really bothered me, and I want to help those who've fallen off (criminally) get back on the track. All while tying in the successes I've had along the way.

retake your lsat

[12262010]

tread title is misleading.

[bleu]

tread title is misleading.

180

[CanadianWolf]

Agree that the thread title is inappropriately misleading. Understanding that you were alluding to your first paragraph of your personal statement, that is all that I read. The two most glaring errors were the overuse of the word "I" & the inclusion of the phrase "who just so happened to be an attorney". Try, "my father, a lawyer," or "my father, an attorney".
P.S. You have great career potential as a tabloid headline writer.
P.P.S. Just skimmed over the remaining paragraphs. Poorly written. Gross overuse of the word "I".

[billyez]

I'm trying to highlight that I was surrounded by people who made mistake after mistake, yet managed to make my own way and make something of myself (even though I had a similar upbringing). However watching these people fail when you could tell they had promising futures really bothered me, and I want to help those who've fallen off (criminally) get back on the track. All while tying in the successes I've had along the way.

Okay, if that's what you want to say...if these points are truly the foundation of your essay, then everything else that does develop these points in some shape or form should be excised. I have to say, that I think this is a little odd because the focus still isn't on you...it conveys that you want to be a laywer as a response to the actions of others.

However, this isn't my place - if this is what you feel passionate about writing about this is what you should write about. I would advocate making hte question you ask at the end of the paragarph the first sentence of your PS. Why did you turn out so different from the other people in your neighborhood? Post that question as the focus of your opening and then answer it - you turned out differently because you worked hard, perhaps? You turned out differently because you had people around you who beleived in you...or when people didn't believe in you you still mustered the courage and tenacity to continue onward. Categorize events like your parents divorce as moments that made you stronger in the end. Do something to unite all these disparate images under a single umbrella.

You start digging at this foundation of being a plucky, undeterred individual but don't really confirm that idea in your PS. In fact, currently, you seem to prevent that image from being invoked in the reader's mind by doubting yourself in the very first paragraph. Don't be surprised at graduating among the top members in your class...actually, how could you have been surprised at that if you took pride in your work?

[let/them/eat/cake]

I'm trying to highlight that I was surrounded by people who made mistake after mistake, yet managed to make my own way and make something of myself (even though I had a similar upbringing). However watching these people fail when you could tell they had promising futures really bothered me, and I want to help those who've fallen off (criminally) get back on the track. All while tying in the successes I've had along the way.

retake your lsat

this is hysterical. TBH, you sound like kind of a pompous blowhard, and the whole thing is poorly written. you need to rework it entirely, and find a way to be positive without sounding like a dick.

[pkpop]

I'm not one to normally critique a PS, but a few things about this one stood out. It's really up to you if you want to take the advice other TLSers give you and completely scrap this, but sometimes the best personal statements go through several phases where the end result looks and reads 100 times better and seldom resembles the original. Here's my take...

I lived alone with my mother... Mom wasn’t much for me pursing the law profession

Small minor detail...but stick with "Mother." You might want to change the 2nd sentence entirely since "Mother wasn't much..." sounds bad.

What I believe I can bring to law school is a high level of self-confidence that I plan to spread among my peers. In order to be highly successful it will take an unmatched determination and work ethic, both of which I have developed and want to display at your university. I would not only challenge myself but challenge others as well and help them grow into outstanding young men and women as they continue into the legal field.

How?
I know you wrote about in high school trying to be a good friend to the guys who were getting in legal trouble. Did you turn any lives around? Do you have any experience (volunteer or otherwise) working with teenagers, juveniles, or kids anywhere in your past? Have you shown yet that you can challenge others and be a good role model? Where does your high level of self-confidence come from? My point is that everyone can say these things, but if there was an instance during high school or undergrad where you mentored or helped someone - perhaps it could be used as a sub-story - to show your passion in action, or as a springboard which fueled that passion to attend law school.

Assuming you're applying for the fall, you still have plenty of time to improve this into the statement that will really show the reader who you are, why you want to go to law school, and the type of individual the school is (hopefully) accepting. HTH

[jtb00711]

Thanks for those who have posted helpful replies, really do appreciate it. It does need a lot of work, and the poster who said I need the attention to be on me not on others is right now that I'm looking back at it. It takes so many drafts and alterations to make a PS really stand out, never thought it would literally take months!

[Total Litigator]

1) You better have some damn impressive credentials. If you come off sounding a bit self-aggrandizing. This WILL work if you have a 4.0 and a good LSAT, but you'll look like an blow-hard if you are working with a 3.0 and a sub-par LSAT.

2) There are a lot of problems with the PS, but its not a bad first draft... One piece of advice I can offer however is that if you can figure out why you succeeded and why your peers didn't, and talk about it, I think you could have a stronger personal statement, and add to the PS's theme.

[chymali]

Just a tip, but don't focus on other people's mistakes. The personal statement is about you and it sounds bad if you keep talking about other people's misfortunes and then label them as your own and then using it as some sort of hard-times story.

[thecilent]

It wasn’t until the spring semester of my freshman year in college, when I took my first sociology class that I realized law is the field that best suites who I am. Mom wasn’t much for me pursing the law profession constantly saying, “Jack, you’re too smart to be a lawyer”, but I never took her word to heart. Learning about the different types of criminals; juveniles, sex offenders, and even murders; coupled with the experience I had with classmates going to jail opened my eyes to criminal law. Why do people commit the same offense over and over again, yet their sentences do not change? Why do juvenile offenders “fall through the cracks” and never receive the proper rehabilitation? The field of criminal law as you see really bothers me, I want to understand these questions and make a difference in the lives of those I plan to represent.

Depending on if you want to get into a good school, I would rewrite the whole thing.

The bolded is just plain dumb to have in a ps