Need help with structure ..! Forum

[Jarrett]

am the product of a single mother house hold where I learned the definition of hard work and scholastic achievement. I’ve worked several part time jobs throughout high school to financially support my mother and younger sister. I didn’t ask for the situations I had to endure or desire to miss social events at an age where most had a great time. Although I endured difficult obstacles over the years, I learned perseverance, work ethic, and sacrifice which were more important than social events, video games, and designer clothing. Completing work assignments at my job and in the classroom allowed me to flourish professionally and academically.
Every morning during the summer of 1998 my mother would get up early and prepare for work. My sister and I would wake up around the same time thinking today were going to summer camp instead of the Barnes and Noble bookstore which became our personal library Monday through Friday. My mother was the sole provider for our family of three so she could not afford to send both of us to a summer camp while she worked. Finally the opportunity arrived three weeks later for us to start a summer camp because her job extended its contract. We were thrilled instead of eight hours a day in a bookstore we could swim, play games, and have fun. Unfortunately, I knew my mother couldn’t afford it because she was already sacrificing for other expenses. One evening she was under the impression my sister and I were asleep. I could hear my mother crying through the thin walls of our one bedroom apartment that night. At age eleven I forfeited my happiness to allow my sister’s enrollment in summer camp and my mother’s dignity in the evenings. Although I spent that entire summer sitting in a bookstore for eight hours a day I was able to read complete books on a spectrum of topics. I have used that experience in my life to motivate me when situations look tough, knowing a sacrifice has a much better outcome when you obtain your goal means so much more. As a law student I will sacrifice things that will distract and persuade me from my objectives and assignments. Because of my extensive reading of different material I look forward to the legal reading and writing I am faced with at law school.
My life so far has not been spectacular, but the things I have accomplished will mean something to a younger generation who may think they are incapable of achieving their dreams and goals. My dream and goal are the same to attend Georgetown Law, become a trial attorney and serve the public interest through the federal branch of our government. I understand the steps to this goal are arduous and winding, similar to a labyrinth. However my academic and professional experience has given me the confidence to navigate through life facing challenges and choices.
I have enjoyed a firsthand experience of the legal profession by working for an attorney by the name of James Finkelstein who was a 2006 U.S. Senate Committee candidate. He was a very finicky and meticulous lawyer who pushed me harder than any of my previous supervisors. I learned to think quickly, logically, and from multiple perspectives. Speaking with tact became easier and my vocabulary increased as I took notes on courtroom proceedings and jargon. This setting is where my desire and determination to become an attorney was solidified.
In addition to my work with Mr. Finkelstein I also completed a 2010 internship with the U.S. Department of State under Consular Affairs/Passport Division. My supervisor is the bureaus’ legal advisor, Jonathan Rolbin a former Department of Justice trial attorney who specialized in mass torts. He mentored me throughout my internship we discussed the real world consequences and application of the law. The skills I honed were phenomenal to actually review and discuss cases with distinguished attorneys was blessing. Issues that are real and current in our society have the greatest impact on future generations for instance immigration laws and the effect of second amendment legislation within individual states. During my internship I was able to grasp the totality of what being a lawyer means and I plan on embracing the education it entails.
During my college years I became interested in chess. I was seen as a nerd because many people believed chess was too hard and reserved for the elderly .My desire to learn the game was matched with the challenge of significant improvement. I would play against myself in the dining hall to practice concepts and strategies from the notes I recorded. I considered chess my niche of individuality within a student body comprised of followers. Chess became an extension of expressing my thoughts through an analytical process on a checkered board. As time passed on I began to develop spectators who were curious and inquisitive. When I had adequate time I would teach basic rules and strategies to freshmen students during the week. During my last year I along with three classmates created our universities first chess team and in March 2010, twelve of the chess club competed in the Georgia Collegiate Chess Tournament at Emory University. Although no one from our university placed, I learned to stand up for what I believe and never let the negative attitudes and words of people stifle my goals. We each hold dreams and goals that can only be obtained through hard work and a belief that good will be the ultimate outcome. That is exactly what I intend to bring the student body of Georgetown Law. What I helped create for my university will stay with the student body far longer than I will be living. That is a feeling I would desperately strive to replicate in law school and throughout my career.

[scott82]

" am the product of a single mother house hold where I learned the definition of hard work and scholastic achievement."

Poor opening line. Every single applicant wants to be perceived as valuing hard work and scholastic achievement. Anyone can claim it; you need to show it.

"I’ve worked several part time jobs throughout high school to financially support my mother and younger sister."

Present tense is wrong, unless you're still in high school. But this doesn't add much anyway, and it's confusing and out of place since you go on to write about how your mother sacrificed and worked long hours to support you.

"Although I endured difficult obstacles over the years, I learned perseverance, work ethic, and sacrifice which were more important than social events, video games, and designer clothing. Completing work assignments at my job and in the classroom allowed me to flourish professionally and academically."

I know absolutely nothing about you from this sentence. Another situation where you need to show, not tell.

"My mother was the sole provider for our family of three so she could not afford to send both of us to a summer camp while she worked. Finally the opportunity arrived three weeks later for us to start a summer camp because her job extended its contract. We were thrilled instead of eight hours a day in a bookstore we could swim, play games, and have fun. Unfortunately, I knew my mother couldn’t afford it because she was already sacrificing for other expenses. One evening she was under the impression my sister and I were asleep. I could hear my mother crying through the thin walls of our one bedroom apartment that night. At age eleven I forfeited my happiness to allow my sister’s enrollment in summer camp and my mother’s dignity in the evenings."

Your sentence structure and tempo is repetitive and boring. And this particular anecdote, combined with what preceded it, is not developed enough to make me care. Transitions are lacking; you go from "My mom couldn't afford summer camp" to "We were thrilled when we thought Mom could afford summer camp" to "But I was disappointed because I knew she couldn't really afford it" to "I sacrificed so she could afford to send my sister." Choppy and disjointed. And IMO, saying you "forfeited your happiness" is melodramatic.

"I have used that experience in my life to motivate me when situations look tough, knowing a sacrifice has a much better outcome when you obtain your goal means so much more."
Empty rhetoric, and the second half of the sentence makes no sense.

"Because of my extensive reading of different material I look forward to the legal reading and writing I am faced with at law school."
Legal reading and writing is a completely different beast from the stuff you read in Barnes and Noble at age 11. This is not a worthwhile line of reasoning, particularly since everyone else who is applying has read 4 years of undergraduate materials.

"My life so far has not been spectacular, but the things I have accomplished will mean something to a younger generation who may think they are incapable of achieving their dreams and goals."
God no. Remove this pronto. For one, you have not illustrated anything you have accomplished to this point. Second, your false modesty is revealed by your stated belief that you have impacted an entire generation. The phrase "achieving dreams and goals" should be removed from all PS's, no matter the permutation. It's vague and cliched.

"My dream and goal are the same to attend Georgetown Law, become a trial attorney and serve the public interest through the federal branch of our government."
That's pretty vague.

"I understand the steps to this goal are arduous and winding, similar to a labyrinth."
I'm not convinced you do, and the labyrinth reference is totally out of place.

"However my academic and professional experience has given me the confidence to navigate through life facing challenges and choices."
Just like every single other applicant.

"I have enjoyed a firsthand experience of the legal profession by working for an attorney by the name of James Finkelstein who was a 2006 U.S. Senate Committee candidate. He was a very finicky and meticulous lawyer who pushed me harder than any of my previous supervisors. I learned to think quickly, logically, and from multiple perspectives. Speaking with tact became easier and my vocabulary increased as I took notes on courtroom proceedings and jargon. This setting is where my desire and determination to become an attorney was solidified.
In addition to my work with Mr. Finkelstein I also completed a 2010 internship with the U.S. Department of State under Consular Affairs/Passport Division. My supervisor is the bureaus’ legal advisor, Jonathan Rolbin a former Department of Justice trial attorney who specialized in mass torts."

All of this belongs on your resume, not in your PS.

"The skills I honed were phenomenal to actually review and discuss cases with distinguished attorneys was blessing."
Punctuation and syntax are in need of work; this is just one example.

"During my internship I was able to grasp the totality of what being a lawyer means"
No, you weren't. This smacks of arrogance.

Then comes the abrupt segue into a long non-sequitur about competitive chess. The whole section is awful, boring, and riddle with cliches (e.g. "I learned to stand up for what I believe and never let the negative attitudes and words of people stifle my goals")

"We each hold dreams and goals that can only be obtained through hard work and a belief that good will be the ultimate outcome. That is exactly what I intend to bring the student body of Georgetown Law."
Uh, what? You're going to bring lofty idealism? I think they're probably all stocked up on that...

"What I helped create for my university will stay with the student body far longer than I will be living."
Come on. Really? You created 1/4 of a 12-person chess club that failed to place at the state tournament; I think you're overselling it a tad.

You need to narrow your focus a ton, and keep in mind you're trying to make an impression on people who have never met you. This PS makes you appear roundly mediocre and ridiculously cocksure. If you haven't already, read this: http://www.top-law-schools.com/personal-statements.html

Actually, if you have, read it again.