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Looking for some insight and help.

The words hurt as thought the kid had thrown rocks at our heads, “You dirty Indians! My mom says you are just a bunch of lazy, dirty Indians!” It was a cool October evening when my two sisters, an older cousin and I were drawing with our white, broken chalk on the cracked sidewalk in front of our grandparent’s house in Cloquet, Minnesota. The lanky, blonde boy looked like the kids I went to elementary school with but his venomous comment was unlike anything I had ever heard. I was bewildered and hurt, the only thing I could think to do was chase after him, never willing to back down from a situation that scared me but my thirteen year old cousin Dakota yelled for me to come back and go inside the house. My six year old brain could not quite comprehend the ignorance of the boy’s rant but I knew the consequences of getting into trouble. We had been trusted to entertain ourselves and remain out of trouble while the adults went about their business of the weekend; my father was bow hunting on the Fond du Lac reservation lands with my grandfather and uncles and my grandmother was getting ready for her night shift as a Black Bear Casino manager.

I slowly turned around and followed Dakota and my sisters to the small and always smoky living room of my grandparent’s house. The others sat on the smoke-stained, green shag carpet and watched Mighty Ducks which eventually calmed my older sister and twin sisters who had been bawling for the past five minutes. I crept into my grandmother’s bedroom and timidly tapped on her bathroom door, “What do you want? I am going to be late for my shift,” Grandma Thompson muttered. Although, usually the Thompson family motto is “Suck it up” I had decided to tell her what happened because I did not fully understand what and occurred and why; my incessant search for answers began and a young age. Even when the hurt welled up tears as I explained what the blonde boy said, I did not understand why it upset me so much. I had showered that day, and every day before; I did my homework and chores, how was I dirty and lazy?

A rare thing happened then, Grandma Thompson softened. She hugged me and the brought me to the living room with my sisters and cousins. We four cousins sat on the old couch and listened to a calm and reserved grandmother explain where the boy’s vehemence probably stemmed from. The local paper plant had recently announced it would be permanently closing, which would cripple the small town’s economy because Cloquet relied on the paper plant to employ a majority of its citizens. Our tribe, the Fond du Lac Ojibwe had publically vowed to aid the tribal members who would lose their jobs. A schism had always been present, between “townies” and the Native Americans of the area but with the recent events the divide had activated further.

It was that October evening I realized that my ethnicity was not just about my dark skin, pow-wows or fry bread but that it affected how society would perceive me. It was because of this experience that I have been driven to work hard and prove my worth in any venue I choose whether in academics, sports or eventually my legal career. My father was the only child to graduate college in his family and he constantly reminded us that an quality education is a necessity in order to break away from what he called the “Native habit,” or staying on the reservation forever and relying safety of the tribal and its sovereignty. His influence pushed both my sisters to graduate from college and start professional careers, starting a new “Thompson habit” in our family. For me, his example encouraged me to excel in high school, qualify for a full academic scholarship at the University of Wisconsin Madison, soon to graduate from college and be the first in my family pursue a graduate degree.

What I find desirable about a career in law is the chance to work within a sophisticated and professional legal system which affects every citizen no matter their age, race, politics or socio-economic status. I am certain that the complexity of law is often like a foreign language to a majority of citizens; am also sure that because the law affects all of us every day a legal career is not just a professional aspiration but is also a realistic way to help others navigate their legal system.

“Need Conclusion”

The words hurt as though the kid had thrown rocks at our heads, “You dirty Indians! My mom says you are just a bunch of lazy, dirty Indians!” (too academic and stiff to be emotionally cathartic). It was a cool October evening when (as)my two sisters, an older cousin and I were drawing with our white, broken chalk on the cracked sidewalk in front of our grandparent’s house in Cloquet, Minnesota. (why include the adjective “white”? Broken adds something to the scene, but not white). The lanky, blonde boy looked like the kids I went to elementary school with but his venomous (no) comment (why go with comments instead of words? Haven’t the words taken on an almost physical property at this point) was unlike anything I had ever heard. (passive voice kills the emotion). I was bewildered and hurt, the only thing I could think to do was chase after him, never willing to back down from a situation that scared me but my thirteen year old cousin Dakota yelled for me to come back and go inside the house. (re-write for clarity and grammar). My six year old brain could not quite (how about “struggled to understand; the not quite comprehend doesn’t fit the scene) comprehend the ignorance of the boy’s rant but I knew the consequences of getting into trouble. We had been trusted to entertain ourselves and remain out of trouble while the adults went about their business of the weekend; my father was bow hunting on the Fond du Lac reservation lands with my grandfather and uncles(,) and my grandmother was getting ready for her night shift as a Black Bear Casino manager.

I slowly turned around and followed Dakota and my sisters to the small and always (perpetually?) smoky living room of my grandparent’s house. The others sat on the smoke-stained, green shag carpet and watched Mighty Ducks which eventually calmed my older sister and twin sisters who had been bawling for the past five minutes. I crept into my grandmother’s bedroom and timidly tapped on her bathroom door, “What do you want? I am going to be late for my shift,” Grandma Thompson muttered. Although, usually the Thompson family motto is “Suck it up” I had decided to tell her what happened because I did not fully understand what and occurred and why; my incessant search for answers began and a young age(no offense, but the admins could care less about when your curiosity started-this seems like some type of weird bragging and it makes you less sympathetic as a character). Even when the hurt welled up tears as I explained what the blond (I think blonde is for females) boy said, I did not understand why it upset me so much. I had showered that day, and every day before; I did my homework and chores, how was I dirty and lazy? (great sentence! [but fix grammar])

A rare thing happened then, Grandma Thompson softened. She hugged me and the brought me to the living room with my sisters and cousins. We four cousins sat on the old couch and listened to a calm and reserved grandmother explain where the boy’s vehemence probably stemmed from. The local paper plant had recently announced it would be permanently closing, which would cripple the small town’s economy because Cloquet relied on the paper plant to employ a majority of its citizens. Our tribe, the Fond du Lac Ojibwe had publically vowed to aid the tribal members who would lose their jobs. A schism had always been present, between “townies” and the Native Americans of the area but with the recent events the divide had activated further.

It was that October evening I realized that my ethnicity was not just about my dark skin, pow-wows or fry bread but that it affected how society would perceive me. It was because of this experience that I have been driven to work hard and prove my worth in any venue I choose whether in academics, sports or eventually my legal career. My father was the only child to graduate college in his family and he constantly reminded us that an quality education is a necessity in order to break away from what he called the “Native habit,” or staying on the reservation forever and relying safety of the tribal and its sovereignty. His influence pushed both my sisters to graduate from college and start professional careers, starting a new “Thompson habit” in our family. For me, his example encouraged me to excel in high school, qualify for a full academic scholarship at the University of Wisconsin Madison (take out school), soon to graduate from college and be the first in my family pursue a graduate degree.

What I find desirable about a career in law is the chance to work within a sophisticated and professional legal system which affects every citizen no matter their age, race, politics or socio-economic status. I am certain that the complexity of law is often like a foreign language to a majority of citizens (not needed); am also sure that because the law affects all of us every day a legal career is not just a professional aspiration but is also a realistic way to help others navigate their legal system.

“Need Conclusion”


I like it, and I hope this helps.

Really enjoyable personal statement. Shares an experience which explains much about who you are, how you view society, your motivations & your influences. Uses simple words in an effective manner.
Comparing the complexities of our laws & legal system to a foreign language in the eyes of most laypersons is a strong ending theme.
I agree with jdhonest's overall assessment, but disagree with his/her proposed changes to your writing.
P.S. I think that you already have a good conclusion since, at the end of your posted draft, the reader likes you, understands much about you & is convinced of your interest in law & becoming a lawyer.

This is an excellent PS, an excellent essay in general. You capture the essence of the "other" experience in the United States perfectly and you manage to connect it to your future aspirations in a way is fluid and concise. Have you had anything published in the past (whether it just be for a school journal/newspaper)? If so, that's a soft factor that could work to your benefit. If not, you definitely should try to; your writing is superb and your experience is unique.

For the first sentence, writing: "You dirty Indians! My mom says you're all a bunch of dirty Indians!" might make it seem less stiff, as jdhonest pointed out.

Also,

"I am certain that the complexity of law is often like a foreign language to a majority of citizens; am also sure that because the law affects all of us every day a legal career is not just a professional aspiration but is also a realistic way to help others navigate their legal system."

This sentence is long and awkward. Flesh out your thoughts here more, because what you're saying isn't entirely clear. Break up the sentence. Add a bit more reflection on your aspirations to pursue law, and add perhaps one single sentence at the end that ties the "law being a foreign language to some" idea (which I think is an intriguing way to put it) to how your ethnicity has incited a desire to advocate for those who society perceives as subpar. Basically: I agree with CanadianWolf that you don't need another "conclusion" paragraph, you just need to clear up and add more to the last paragraph.

Again, excellent stuff.

As a huge fan of great writing, I just wanted to point out to anyone who may be crafting a PS on the topic of familial/personal/ethnicity struggles that this is a great sentence:

The others sat on the smoke-stained, green shag carpet and watched Mighty Ducks which eventually calmed my older sister and twin sisters who had been bawling for the past five minutes.

Why? It creates a context, a mood, a setting, a time period, and shows what her family was going through -- without being overly-dramatic. She creates a person, instead of a type. It's not "woe is me," it's "this is human experience, this is reality" and we did it all while Mighty Ducks was playing in the background.

I had to add that.