critique my first draft Forum

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rjma88

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critique my first draft

Post by rjma88 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 6:57 pm

This is my first post. I will be applying to Law Schools in the fall. I'm not worried so much with grammatical errors, as this is still a fairly early draft, as much as whether this is worth developing, which parts are best, which parts need the most work, is anything missing, etc. Thanks!

LSAT 170
GPA 3.7


The uproar of celebration boomed off the stadium walls. La Club Universidad Católica, my team, had just won in the most grueling fashion possible, a penalty shootout, and the subsequent emotional release was deafening. From above we must have looked like one gigantic, heaving mass of sweat-soaked gold and blue. Thirty Uruguayans, and me, bobbed in unison, hands raised in ecstatic joy. El Parque Central is one of the most revered stadiums in Uruguay, whose immaculately-manicured grass usually plays host to Club Nacional de Fútbol, three-time champions of South America and Uruguay's most successful club. Today it was ours. After six months abroad this was far from my first "you're not in Kansas" moment, but nothing in my travels or soccer experiences had prepared me for this, being crowned as the best amateur soccer team in the country. I was proud just to be there, a part of my club's biggest victory in their eighteen-year history. We had earned it, the 6 a.m. scrimmages and long, midnight slogs through deep sand were worth it as soon as I wrapped my hands around the gleaming trofeo de honor.

I learned many lessons during my year in Uruguay. Some were academic, like learning difficult economic concepts in my International Economics class (or "Trade Policy with the United States", as I called it). Others were more practical, such as never taking my eye off of a piece of luggage without fastening it to my body first. More than anything I learned in a classroom or train station, however, I learned what it meant to play soccer at the truly elite level. Our roster was littered with former professionals, future professionals, even a world-class beach soccer player and me, a nervous young American who barely spoke the language.

In the beginning I was awed just to be training in the shadow of the famous Estadio Centenario, home of the first World Cup Final. Despite my initial nerves, I took to the team quickly. My teammates enjoyed having an American on the team and found my "teutonic" work ethic endearing; I never had the heart to tell them that there isn't a single Germanic twig on my entire family tree. With time my teammates and I became inseperable and they were without a doubt my biggest aid in assimilating into the culture. They taught me slang and helped me master the nuances of the rioplatenese accent, much to their amusement. I even cut my hair in a traditional Uruguayan style, better known here as "the mullet."

After returning to the United States I have come to grips with the fact that I won't make a living playing professional soccer. The truth is that I have become a better player than I could have imagined years ago and I take solace in the fact that I have shared the field with many amazing players and am grateful for the opportunities that I have had. Several months after me arrival back in the United States my twin brother began his Law School admissions process. It was my competitive nature that drove me to pick his LSAT preparation book up for the first time, but I soon learned to relish the challenge. I enjoyed that, much like soccer, LSAT preparation allowed me to see tangible rewards from the time that I invested. Moreover, I realized that a law degree would give me a chance to stay involved with the game of soccer by pursuing a career in sports law.


We had been heavy underdogs before our game in El Parque Central. The neutrals hadn't counted on our work ethic or our will to win. I hope to take the same lessons that I have learned about perseverance and dedication through the sport of soccer into the classrooms of xxx Law School...

lebroniousjames

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by lebroniousjames » Sat Jul 17, 2010 7:39 pm

rjma88 wrote:This is my first post. I will be applying to Law Schools in the fall. I'm not worried so much with grammatical errors, as this is still a fairly early draft, as much as whether this is worth developing, which parts are best, which parts need the most work, is anything missing, etc. Thanks!

LSAT 170
GPA 3.7


The uproar of celebration boomed off the stadium walls. La Club Universidad Católica, my team, had just won in the most grueling fashion possible, a penalty shootout, and the subsequent emotional release was deafening. From above we must have looked like one gigantic, heaving mass of sweat-soaked gold and blue. Thirty Uruguayans, and me, bobbed in unison, hands raised in ecstatic joy. El Parque Central is one of the most revered stadiums in Uruguay, whose immaculately-manicured grass usually plays host to Club Nacional de Fútbol, three-time champions of South America and Uruguay's most successful club. Today it was ours. After six months abroad this was far from my first "you're not in Kansas" moment, but nothing in my travels or soccer experiences had prepared me for this, being crowned as the best amateur soccer team in the country. I was proud just to be there, a part of my club's biggest victory in their eighteen-year history. We had earned it, the 6 a.m. scrimmages and long, midnight slogs through deep sand were worth it as soon as I wrapped my hands around the gleaming trofeo de honor.

I learned many lessons during my year in Uruguay. Some were academic, like learning difficult economic concepts in my International Economics class (or "Trade Policy with the United States", as I called it). Others were more practical, such as never taking my eye off of a piece of luggage without fastening it to my body first. More than anything I learned in a classroom or train station, however, I learned what it meant to play soccer at the truly elite level. Our roster was littered with former professionals, future professionals, even a world-class beach soccer player and me, a nervous young American who barely spoke the language.

In the beginning I was awed just to be training in the shadow of the famous Estadio Centenario, home of the first World Cup Final. Despite my initial nerves, I took to the team quickly. My teammates enjoyed having an American on the team and found my "teutonic" work ethic endearing; I never had the heart to tell them that there isn't a single Germanic twig on my entire family tree. With time my teammates and I became inseperable and they were without a doubt my biggest aid in assimilating into the culture. They taught me slang and helped me master the nuances of the rioplatenese accent, much to their amusement. I even cut my hair in a traditional Uruguayan style, better known here as "the mullet."

After returning to the United States I have come to grips with the fact that I won't make a living playing professional soccer. The truth is that I have become a better player than I could have imagined years ago and I take solace in the fact that I have shared the field with many amazing players and am grateful for the opportunities that I have had. Several months after me arrival back in the United States my twin brother began his Law School admissions process. It was my competitive nature that drove me to pick his LSAT preparation book up for the first time, but I soon learned to relish the challenge. I enjoyed that, much like soccer, LSAT preparation allowed me to see tangible rewards from the time that I invested. Moreover, I realized that a law degree would give me a chance to stay involved with the game of soccer by pursuing a career in sports law.


We had been heavy underdogs before our game in El Parque Central. The neutrals hadn't counted on our work ethic or our will to win. I hope to take the same lessons that I have learned about perseverance and dedication through the sport of soccer into the classrooms of xxx Law School...
To start, I think you do a good job in the first paragraph describing your experience during the title game in Uruguay--it immediately garners some interest when picking up the read. However, I wonder if you could be a little more direct with the piece. Again, you do a good job building the setting, but it doesn't seem like you hone in enough on how the experience reveals something about your competitive spirit and/or work ethic. An interesting idea might be more of a play by play narrative (a nice chance to showcase your writing skills) of the end of the game, showing your poise on such a large stage. You could then avoid using LSAT preparation as an indicator of your driven nature. Also, I think the transition at the end to "why I want to study law" is left off as more of a disconnected afterthought. If your conclusion is "I want to study sports law" you should devote more time specifically to what aspect of sports law intrigues you--perhaps talk about a current legal issue in national/international soccer and explain how your exposure in Uruguay helped lead you to discover an interest in the field.

So in summary, I think incorporating some more narrative into the first paragraph that descriptively speaks to your competitiveness and then transitioning to some specific application of that drive to the field of sports law would make for a pretty solid essay. Nice start, you definitely have a topic to work with.

rjma88

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by rjma88 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:29 pm

lebroniousjames wrote:However, I wonder if you could be a little more direct with the piece. Again, you do a good job building the setting, but it doesn't seem like you hone in enough on how the experience reveals something about your competitive spirit and/or work ethic. An interesting idea might be more of a play by play narrative (a nice chance to showcase your writing skills) of the end of the game, showing your poise on such a large stage.
I agree with what you're saying here. I threw on the last sentence of the first paragraph to try to tie the intro (capturing the attention, setting the scene) with some of the desirable traits that I wish to portray later on in the essay...work ethic/competitive etc, the kind of stereotypical why sports are good for you stuff. Hopefully people will find my particular situation (being abroad as well as the setting and importance of the game) compelling enough to stand out a little bit.

I was not one of the five penalty kick takers, and had actually just been promoted to the first team from the under twenties, so I don't have a lot to show as far as my poise as an actual player during this game. Maybe I can find another way to link the experience to the personality traits early on in the essay.

lebroniousjames wrote: You could then avoid using LSAT preparation as an indicator of your driven nature. Also, I think the transition at the end to "why I want to study law" is left off as more of a disconnected afterthought. If your conclusion is "I want to study sports law" you should devote more time specifically to what aspect of sports law intrigues you--perhaps talk about a current legal issue in national/international soccer and explain how your exposure in Uruguay helped lead you to discover an interest in the field.

So in summary, I think incorporating some more narrative into the first paragraph that descriptively speaks to your competitiveness and then transitioning to some specific application of that drive to the field of sports law would make for a pretty solid essay. Nice start, you definitely have a topic to work with.
I agree with this as well. For one, my LSAT was good, but not quite as high as I was hoping, and if its just at or below some of my target school medians maybe I shouldn't try to bill that as something of a strength, or at least analagous to a strength.

The transition at the end is certainly a bit of a disconnected afterthought. I think the PS would benefit from having something along those lines in there though, thoughts? I don't want the adcoms to read the essay and think cool story, but does he want to play soccer or does he want to study law? I would like to, ideally, find a graceful way to weave my passion for sports and my passion for law school together so that they seem genuine.

I met quite a few players that have slipped through the cracks or not quite made the cut to the top flight in my travels. I could try to write something about that, and how I would like to use my connections to try to represent some of these guys, get them opportunities etc. You don't NEED a Law Degree to be an agent though, and I'm not entirely sure thats what I want to do to be honest. I'd love to stay involved with sports, but I know that Sports Law is tricky to get into and highly coveted. That said, I think I need to work it into my essay somewhere for the aforementioned reasons, but perhaps not as a conclusion of "I want to study sports law", since ultimately, I just want to study law...and hopefully work in sports. I'm not going to go to Tulane or wherever they offer the sports law certificates though, I'll probably just try to take fairly general classes with an emphasis on contract law and the like.

So maybe elaborate a bit more on the first paragraph, and then find a way to redo the last bit and make it meatier? What about the middle two paragraphs. There are a few bits of humor in there, do they work alright? I like to think I'm a pretty funny guy in person, but translating that to writing, especially something like an admissions essay can be tricky. If its done well I think it could make the essay more memorable though, so I tried. The middle also expands a bit beyond just soccer and attempts to shed a little bit of light on my study abroad experience as a whole. Keep it or scrap it?

Thanks for your help, and nice name btw, I can tell you're a fellow sports fan.

lebroniousjames

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by lebroniousjames » Sat Jul 17, 2010 9:19 pm

rjma88 wrote:
lebroniousjames wrote:However, I wonder if you could be a little more direct with the piece. Again, you do a good job building the setting, but it doesn't seem like you hone in enough on how the experience reveals something about your competitive spirit and/or work ethic. An interesting idea might be more of a play by play narrative (a nice chance to showcase your writing skills) of the end of the game, showing your poise on such a large stage.
I agree with what you're saying here. I threw on the last sentence of the first paragraph to try to tie the intro (capturing the attention, setting the scene) with some of the desirable traits that I wish to portray later on in the essay...work ethic/competitive etc, the kind of stereotypical why sports are good for you stuff. Hopefully people will find my particular situation (being abroad as well as the setting and importance of the game) compelling enough to stand out a little bit.

I was not one of the five penalty kick takers, and had actually just been promoted to the first team from the under twenties, so I don't have a lot to show as far as my poise as an actual player during this game. Maybe I can find another way to link the experience to the personality traits early on in the essay.

lebroniousjames wrote: You could then avoid using LSAT preparation as an indicator of your driven nature. Also, I think the transition at the end to "why I want to study law" is left off as more of a disconnected afterthought. If your conclusion is "I want to study sports law" you should devote more time specifically to what aspect of sports law intrigues you--perhaps talk about a current legal issue in national/international soccer and explain how your exposure in Uruguay helped lead you to discover an interest in the field.

So in summary, I think incorporating some more narrative into the first paragraph that descriptively speaks to your competitiveness and then transitioning to some specific application of that drive to the field of sports law would make for a pretty solid essay. Nice start, you definitely have a topic to work with.
I agree with this as well. For one, my LSAT was good, but not quite as high as I was hoping, and if its just at or below some of my target school medians maybe I shouldn't try to bill that as something of a strength, or at least analagous to a strength.

The transition at the end is certainly a bit of a disconnected afterthought. I think the PS would benefit from having something along those lines in there though, thoughts? I don't want the adcoms to read the essay and think cool story, but does he want to play soccer or does he want to study law? I would like to, ideally, find a graceful way to weave my passion for sports and my passion for law school together so that they seem genuine.

I met quite a few players that have slipped through the cracks or not quite made the cut to the top flight in my travels. I could try to write something about that, and how I would like to use my connections to try to represent some of these guys, get them opportunities etc. You don't NEED a Law Degree to be an agent though, and I'm not entirely sure thats what I want to do to be honest. I'd love to stay involved with sports, but I know that Sports Law is tricky to get into and highly coveted. That said, I think I need to work it into my essay somewhere for the aforementioned reasons, but perhaps not as a conclusion of "I want to study sports law", since ultimately, I just want to study law...and hopefully work in sports. I'm not going to go to Tulane or wherever they offer the sports law certificates though, I'll probably just try to take fairly general classes with an emphasis on contract law and the like.

So maybe elaborate a bit more on the first paragraph, and then find a way to redo the last bit and make it meatier? What about the middle two paragraphs. There are a few bits of humor in there, do they work alright? I like to think I'm a pretty funny guy in person, but translating that to writing, especially something like an admissions essay can be tricky. If its done well I think it could make the essay more memorable though, so I tried. The middle also expands a bit beyond just soccer and attempts to shed a little bit of light on my study abroad experience as a whole. Keep it or scrap it?

Thanks for your help, and nice name btw, I can tell you're a fellow sports fan.

I think you can keep the idea but just look to follow a simple structure

1. Passion for competition as shown by your achievement in soccer

-again, this is where I think play by play of either the end of the game or a pivotal moment where you were involved really brings a lot of life into the paper--using the description on its own to show your qualities without having to list them explicitly sounds a lot less drab.

2. What you were exposed to in Uruguay on/off the field (players, culture etc) that ties into some legal issue in the forum of sports. I think for coherence it works best if you use something to do with soccer, especially considering its not like you are bound to pursue what you propose in the statement. Just find any issue in soccer that has some legal implications and run with it for a paragraph.

-this is where you can make a deeper connection to why specifically you think the field of sports law is something that you could apply your competitive passion for sports towards (it works well for a legal soccer issue because you can also incorporate a "love of the game" angle)

3. Closer--(hard for me to say until I see what you come up with for #1 and #2, but basically a quick restatement of the connection between your passion for competition as shown by your soccer achievement(s), your explorative experience in Uruguay, and finally how the two translate into a directed pursuit in the field of sports law.


I don't think this is really a "humor" kind of statement--competition and humor aren't really that compatible IMO. I have the same difficulty penning humor down to paper, and if it's not something that comes easily to you either, I'd probably suggest you avoid it.

And thanks for the props, I had to look up the definition for "ignominious" while reading the other day and couldn't help but come to the instant reaction of "Lebronious". What an idiot...

lebroniousjames

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by lebroniousjames » Sat Jul 17, 2010 9:44 pm

Sorry, forgot a couple.

You don't necessarily need it to be the "championship game"--the adcoms really won't give a sh*t about that detail. You could describe any game you played while in Uruguay, even be it a practice scrimmage. The aim is more to showcase your writing skill by painting a picture of how you exert your passion into playing the sport

Also, if you mention a legal issue in soccer/sports you encountered in the context of your stay in Uruguay that has served as a spark for your interest in law, it's not like adcoms are going to be excessively critical of your inspiration--as long as there is a recognizable connection from the soccer/sports issue--->law, I think you should be just fine. Adcoms can't expect (nor would they want to) everyone to have a sure-fire career path scoped out before entering school--they simply want to see if you have the makeup/tools to succeed there.

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rjma88

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by rjma88 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 10:24 pm

Thanks for the ideas again. I'm struggling to think of a particular legal issue that struck me with regards to sports while I was abroad, though. While I have some friends from the team that are now playing (or were last season) professionally, and the brother of another teammate that plays on a pretty big team, etc. I didn't get the closest insight into the legal sides of their lives, as we were teammates and friends more than business partners, for obvious reasons. That said, my coach for the under 20s was also a very high up guy for one of the big sports-television companies in the world (at least for the Uruguayan/Argentine branch) and he's one of the reasons I really considered a career related to sports as something that might be feasible, so perhaps I could work that in. The problem is that it's not specifically law, which is what I really would like.

Also, one of the founders of the club, who I had a really good relationship with, was a lawyer and we sometimes talked about that. While he wasn't involved in Sports Law, I might be able to work that in there in some way. One of the other founders was actually a HLS grad I think, and name partner at the biggest firm in the country, unfortunately I never really got to meet him, *facepalm*.


Anyways, I'll be thinking about this and trying to come up with some changes and be sure to post them. I'd love to hear some other opinions besides Lebronious' from you lurkers, don't be shy.

Edit: I think I've thought of something maybe, but I would still love to hear more opinions the draft as it is, as well as Lebronious comments. Does anyone agree/disagree? I have never written a personal statement like this before, and want to make sure that I do as well as possible, since at this point its pretty much the only thing left in my control (aside from supplemental essays, for the schools that will receive them)

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by lebroniousjames » Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:04 pm

I'll keep bumping your thread nonetheless ha.


Be a little creative. Perhaps something about clubs signing (very) young Uruguayan players to restrictive/unfair contracts and how that hurts the development of the sport (social injustice+sports law!). It doesn't have to be completely anecdotal, drifting more into the abstract/theoretical issue should be fine under the context umbrella of being in Uruguay. This should give you more room to work with in adapting specifically to the legal connection.

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A Swift

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by A Swift » Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:33 pm

This read: because I can't play soccer I want to be a lawyer.

It should read: the skills I learned playing soccer will make me the best lawyer. Leave out the competition part, especially concerning the LSAT.

I disagree with the above posters, there is no need to spin playing soccer made you want to be a lawyer. In fact, I don't think you need to have a reason to be a lawyer, only a reason why you would be a good one.

lebroniousjames

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by lebroniousjames » Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:52 pm

A Swift wrote:This read: because I can't play soccer I want to be a lawyer.

It should read: the skills I learned playing soccer will make me the best lawyer. Leave out the competition part, especially concerning the LSAT.

I disagree with the above posters, there is no need to spin playing soccer made you want to be a lawyer. In fact, I don't think you need to have a reason to be a lawyer, only a reason why you would be a good one.


the skills I learned playing soccer that will make me the best lawyer (-competitiveness)==teamwork maybe?

w/ the contracts example, it would show how his competitive drive led him to the trough of social injustice, galvanizing an interest in (sports) law... yada yada yada

he clearly does not need to use soccer at all in his statement. but that's what he chose for the topic, so portraying a blended identity that produces a competitive spirit yet also directs that energy toward an active moral conscience advocating in support of the sport he loves would seem likely to receive a welcome reception

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Re: critique my first draft

Post by CanadianWolf » Sun Jul 18, 2010 12:47 pm

Your personal statement is interesting but it's not likely to help with law school admission since it fails to share much insight into who you are, how you see the world or why you want to become a lawyer.

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