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I know this isn’t grammatically correct and it is not really tied together like a story yet, but I would appreciate some feedback on the pure content. Am I going in the right direction? Is there a subject I need to stay away from entirely? What am I missing?

I’m going to keep working on it so it reads more fluidly but I thought I could here a few thoughts before I started making radical changes. I knocked most of this out in one 45 minute session last week and just took another look at it now. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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thanks for the feedback. I'll post up my next draft for more feedback.

Here is my second draft, I also posted it below.

ok, here is my next, very rough, draft. It is no where near finished but I was hoping the theme was a little better than the last. Any comments would be helpful.

Knee pads, check. Wrist guards, check. Skateboard, check. I was ready to go to work. Not my job, no, I was only seven years old. I was off to work with my father, the second shift custodian at **** ***** Community College. I don’t remember the circumstances exactly or why I was at work with him but this image is engraved in the memory of my youth. I can still picture the miniature version of myself slowly rolling down the slight incline of the smooth sidewalk while my dad doing whatever it took, working in a local factory and going to school at the very institution that hey was a custodian in at night, to improve his and his family’s lot in life. He knew that that hard work he was putting in would pay ten-fold in the future. This work ethic and appreciation for what an education can do for a person has been the foundation for which I have built a life upon.
My father was the first person in his family to ever graduate from high school. He then went on to receive his Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in History and Education and became an instructor at the school he was once a custodian. Although my father has never mentioned the idea of a degree in law he has always insisted that an education was the best way to improve oneself. Now that I have completed my own Master’s Degree I feel the proper way to finish my formal education would be with a Juris Doctorate degree from **********.
Because I have seen how strong of an impact an education can have on a person and I believe a law degree will be essential in fulfilling my personal and career goals. Since 2004 I have worked in higher education institutions and have grown passionate about the legal and governmental issues that affect how we educate our public. From the ability for underrepresented groups to even attend college to the legal responsibility we have with these students once they are on our campus. I feel that with my experience in higher education and my passion and interest in the law I will be able to have a positive impact in the future of higher education in America.
I have been fortunate enough to deal firsthand with some legal issues in my positions of over the past few years. As a member of the Student Conduct Hearing Board at ****** I was a hearing officer on many cases that decided the fate of a student’s college career. I sat on hearings that involved student violence, rape, binge drinking, and academic integrity issues. Through these hearings I had to put myself constantly in the shoes of the student lives we were judging. I had to balance what our University’s policies were with what the claimed offense was and how the sanctions would affect the students development. These days, sometimes spending up to 7 hours deciding on a single case, were some of the most difficult moments in my professional career. At the end of the day I know that the decisions we made were thoughtful, well-intentioned, and based in the idea of helping students help themselves to become better individuals.
I know that I have the ability to be a great student and eventually a great lawyer. My goal is to combine my passion for public education and the law into a position as general counsel for a university. I believe that the variety of cases and situations that arise in a general counsel’s day to day work would keep me busy and interested in always wanting to gain more knowledge to become a better lawyer. In this situation I would be able to use my knowledge base in higher education administration with a greater understanding in the law to help a university complete the missions and goals they wish and to keep them out of trouble when unforeseen circumstances arrive.
Because of the variety of experience I have obtained while working fulltime for the past six years I believe I will bring a mature, experienced perspective to law school. I will be dedicated to learning about the law and will bring my enthusiasm to the classroom every day and continue my academic excellence I showed while gaining my Master’s Degree. I believe law school will help me tremendously in pursuing the career I envision for myself and will no doubt be a stepping stone to much greater things.

I preface this by noting that this is just my opinion and you should take from it what you will.

This feels very much like a first draft, as you noted it was, because it has one of the telltale signs of a first draft; the ending states what the beginning should - namely, why you want to go to law school and how you're life has driven you to this profession. For much of the PS, you go into resume mode and generally I feel like things aren't very connected. More importantly, I just feel like the entire thing lacks focus until the end. Everything after "my father" worked for me, for me.

At the end, you finally tie the all these episodes of your life through the past six years and you do it in a competent manner. You get points for that. I also think that the reason why I liked the rest of your PS after you start talking about your father is that...your feelings on his effect on you is the most potent force in the entire PS to me. It gave me some good perspective on you as a person, the rest of the PS just felt like a resume. Granted, I learned about your interests from the rest of the PS, but it didn't engage me until that point.

I don't know about other people, but I really didn't like the part about "The Guardians" and all that. I'd rather hear about what you want to do the area of higher education than some Yale-ie. This is your PS, not his. What's the purpose of it in the first place? Just to show your interest in the area? You already did that with all the allusions to your involvement on Hearing Board's and such.

The point of a first draft is to see what elements you have to work with and which ones you want to compose the final product. I think its clea rthat you have good elements...its just muddled right now. Tighten the language and get back to us with a revision.

thanks for the feedback. To me, these were just paragraph ideas crammed together. I still need to work on getting it to read like a story. I'll probably also edit out the guardians paragraph as well.

Thanks

To me, the most interesting part of this Personal Statement is the bit about your father being a custodian at the college where he now teaches. Actually, it's the only part I remember about the PS -- and it came in the form of a hurried sentence at the END of your essay.

I would start of the essay by describing this, perhaps a scene from your father's past -- not too much, obviously -- then segue into how his drive/ ambition as it pertains to academics, relates to your own. Even if it's not completely evident to you, it probably had one of the greatest effects on your drive to succeed. This is a simple way to make the PS seem more like a story, and less like a fleshing out of the information on your resume (because right now, that's what it reads like).

Not as good as it should be. Maturity is not your strong point despite your experience & should not be claimed by you especially when contradicted by the youthful exuberance exhibited in your writing. Maturity should be evident in your writing; if it is not, then your personal statement needs to be rethought.
This essay has been written, read & forgotten tens of thousands of times. The primary weakness is that it lacks insight.
I do not intend my criticism to be impolite. I think that you are courageous for exposing your first draft to public scrutiny. My impression is that you have much more to offer the reader than just a factual chronological essay.

It might help if you try to share insights that you have gained, or struggled with, during your six years of work experience. It is better to have six years of work experience than to have one year's experience six times.

This is just my opinion, and keep in mind I've only written for scholarships and school supplements for undergraduate entrance, but...

I feel like it would be stronger if you focused on how working at those schools inspired you to go into law rather than the other things you mentioned. I'm sure they're all equally important and decisive in your life, but sometimes, one really strong description is better than a few lighter ones. Perhaps there was one specific thing about working in the schools (like a student or something) that really made you go for this path? It would feel more personal and the reader would get to know you a little bit more, which is what the purpose of the essay should be.

Otherwise, you can obviously write eloquently, so just focus it a bit more (give more insight like one of the previous posters mentioned) and it'll be great

ok, here is my next, very rough, draft. It is no where near finished but I was hoping the theme was a little better than the last. Any comments would be helpful.

Knee pads, check. Wrist guards, check. Skateboard, check. I was ready to go to work. Not my job, no, I was only seven years old. I was off to work with my father, the second shift custodian at **** ***** Community College. I don’t remember the circumstances exactly or why I was at work with him but this image is engraved in the memory of my youth. I can still picture the miniature version of myself slowly rolling down the slight incline of the smooth sidewalk while my dad doing whatever it took, working in a local factory and going to school at the very institution that hey was a custodian in at night, to improve his and his family’s lot in life. He knew that that hard work he was putting in would pay ten-fold in the future. This work ethic and appreciation for what an education can do for a person has been the foundation for which I have built a life upon.
My father was the first person in his family to ever graduate from high school. He then went on to receive his Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in History and Education and became an instructor at the school he was once a custodian. Although my father has never mentioned the idea of a degree in law he has always insisted that an education was the best way to improve oneself. Now that I have completed my own Master’s Degree I feel the proper way to finish my formal education would be with a Juris Doctorate degree from **********.
Because I have seen how strong of an impact an education can have on a person and I believe a law degree will be essential in fulfilling my personal and career goals. Since 2004 I have worked in higher education institutions and have grown passionate about the legal and governmental issues that affect how we educate our public. From the ability for underrepresented groups to even attend college to the legal responsibility we have with these students once they are on our campus. I feel that with my experience in higher education and my passion and interest in the law I will be able to have a positive impact in the future of higher education in America.
I have been fortunate enough to deal firsthand with some legal issues in my positions of over the past few years. As a member of the Student Conduct Hearing Board at ****** I was a hearing officer on many cases that decided the fate of a student’s college career. I sat on hearings that involved student violence, rape, binge drinking, and academic integrity issues. Through these hearings I had to put myself constantly in the shoes of the student lives we were judging. I had to balance what our University’s policies were with what the claimed offense was and how the sanctions would affect the students development. These days, sometimes spending up to 7 hours deciding on a single case, were some of the most difficult moments in my professional career. At the end of the day I know that the decisions we made were thoughtful, well-intentioned, and based in the idea of helping students help themselves to become better individuals.
I know that I have the ability to be a great student and eventually a great lawyer. My goal is to combine my passion for public education and the law into a position as general counsel for a university. I believe that the variety of cases and situations that arise in a general counsel’s day to day work would keep me busy and interested in always wanting to gain more knowledge to become a better lawyer. In this situation I would be able to use my knowledge base in higher education administration with a greater understanding in the law to help a university complete the missions and goals they wish and to keep them out of trouble when unforeseen circumstances arrive.
Because of the variety of experience I have obtained while working fulltime for the past six years I believe I will bring a mature, experienced perspective to law school. I will be dedicated to learning about the law and will bring my enthusiasm to the classroom every day and continue my academic excellence I showed while gaining my Master’s Degree. I believe law school will help me tremendously in pursuing the career I envision for myself and will no doubt be a stepping stone to much greater things.

Anyone? could really use some guidance here. Unless it's just too perfect for anyone to utter any negative remarks. Yep, thats it.

I know that I have the ability to be a great student and eventually a great lawyer. My goal is to combine my passion for public education and the law into a position as general counsel for a university. I believe that the variety of cases and situations that arise in a general counsel’s day to day work would keep me busy and interested in always wanting to gain more knowledge to become a better lawyer. In this situation I would be able to use my knowledge base in higher education administration with a greater understanding in the law to help a university complete the missions and goals they wish and to keep them out of trouble when unforeseen circumstances arrive.
Because of the variety of experience I have obtained while working fulltime for the past six years I believe I will bring a mature, experienced perspective to law school. I will be dedicated to learning about the law and will bring my enthusiasm to the classroom every day and continue my academic excellence I showed while gaining my Master’s Degree. I believe law school will help me tremendously in pursuing the career I envision for myself and will no doubt be a stepping stone to much greater things.

All of this detracts from the perosnal statement and really doesn't tell me anything about you. Imagine how many PSs an adcomm goes through each day that sounds exactly like this. There is no reason that you need to take up this much real estate to make this point. And, if you insist on making this point, please attempt to do it more elegantly.

I know I have a lot do to clean it up. I haven't even begun to look at it for sentence structure or anything yet. How does it sound as far as the theme of the statement? Is it interesting enough? With a more consice and moving conclusion will it work?