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Okay seriously... I got a 3.3 GPA from a good school, but that was 4 years ago. I took the LSAT--banged out a 170, and will retake it to try and squeeze out another 5 points, but what the f*ck else is there to do???

-GPA addendum? check
-stellar recs? check
-4 years work experience? check
-great volunteering work w/inner city kids? check
-well-rounded athletic stuff? check

I've got a few months before I bang out an application to apply to the fall 2011 class. I want to get into NYU, UPenn, UCBerk, or Columbia, but can't think of annnnything else I can do to make this even a remote possibility unless I stumble across a Native American branch of my family tree for the URM ticket.

Any advice is hugely appreciated. I'll take the criticism too as long as it's humorous!

I think you should just concentrate on pulling up that LSAT. Columbia and UCBerk are pretty much out with that GPA, although you might have an outside shot at Columbia if you do absolutely stellar in October (be careful about the timing of your applications/the updated score, though. Applying late will kill your app).

Berkeley is a no-go no matter how you swing it.

Also wanted to add that your best shot at one of these four schools as it stands at the moment is to ED UPenn. This year a 3.37/170 was accepted ED, so there's some hope. Note, however, that a) they were a double major at a top 12 liberal arts college, b) their application was sent in within 10 days of the cycle opening, and c) they are the ONLY person with a 170/3.3x to be accepted on LSN. ED seems to help immensely at Penn. I've noticed through my 'dedicated study' of LSN that whenever you see anomalous numbers at UPenn (applicants that really normally would be WL or R), those applicants were admitted ED an overwhelming majority of the time. However, because your LSAT isn't above their 75% and your GPA is below their 25% it doesn't look actually nearly as good for you as it would if you were, say, a 3.2/172 ED.

There's plenty of other things that can be done, most of which revolve around your first choice. Susan Estrich has some great advice about this--she's a law prof at USC who wrote a great insider's book called How to Get Into Law School. Highly worth the price, especially given your situation (similar to mine). Good luck!