Too personal? Too dramatic? Forum

[narrowlytailored]

I decided, at the 11th hour, to include in my personal statement some information I originally left out. Now that it's in to the ad committees I'm wondering if I laid too much out there.

[NonTradHealthLaw]

I think it's a really good statement - though very personal and very dramatic. Could be risky depending on your school but speaks volumes about your resilience.

[3|ink]

Too...mysterious.

How did you afford college? You must be panhandling in some really nice communities.

Too...Wah Wah.

You have to be more subtle when you're trying to invoke sympathy. You say you never fit in with blacks or whites. It's like you're trying to rest on that old 'hybrid outsider' cliché.

Too...fictionalized.

I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying that it appears that you're trying to write creatively. It isn't working. Don't let it get you down. I'm a horrible creative writer myself.

Stick to your own voice. This isn't it. How can I tell? Because I know that you regularly engage in conversations with people. You wouldn't have been able to go to college without this ability. Therefore, you must be able to speak clearly. You have to convey your speaking voice to writing.

[narrowlytailored]

Thanks NonTrad. I'm applying only to schools up here in the northeast.

[CanadianWolf]

Well written, interesting & creative. This is certainly a very personal Personal Statement. It will depend upon the assessment of each reader as to whether it is too personal.
I am not sure why you overused the term "marginalized" when a glance at any thesaurus would supply other options that could reduce the dramatic effect in favor of a more reflective and insightful tone. I do, nonetheless, realize the unifying impact on the essay's theme. "Insignificant" might also be an appropriate option.
To answer your questions as to whether or not your personal statement is too personal or too dramatic, you first need to share your goal in writing this statement; for example, if your objective is to stand out from thousands or hundreds of other applicants, then my opinion is that it is not too personal & it is not too dramatic; but, if your purpose in sharing your inner thoughts was to demonstrate personal growth & maturation, then the writing needs to be reworked a bit.
Personal statements can be viewed as an opportunity to share one's view of the world & how one arrived at that vision. Do you want that vision focused solely on you & your development of your self image, or do you want to show a maturation that has also affected your vision and understanding of others ?

[philosoraptor]

Make sure you fix this ironically misplaced modifier:

Moved by the extreme injustice of the Japanese-American internment camps of World War II, Korematsu also touched on something deeper and more intimate to my experience: the stigma of racial and social marginalization.

I think you meant: "I was moved by the extreme injustice of the Japanese-American internment camps of World War II, but Korematsu also touched on something deeper and more intimate to my experience: the stigma of racial and social marginalization."

[Miracle]

i like it!