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essay further down page

bump!
someone talk to me about this one.

my initial impression: this paper has too much of a "grand tour" component to it. I would focus on Grand Pre OR Pikeville OR Bellingham and not try to cover all three. It's not that this piece is necessarily bad, but it feels a bit like a checklist of places and experiences.

nope

OK final bump. I edited more. If anyone reads this in the next hour, gimme some feedback (even if you just read it like "oh what's this then?")
After that, I send er in.

daesonesb wrote:OK final bump. I edited more. If anyone reads this in the next hour, gimme some feedback (even if you just read it like "oh what's this then?")
After that, I send er in.

I liked it. I plan to use some of your techniques (tying things like chopping firewood into other qualities for instance) in my own personal statement (er... just not about firewood). I think it is a strong PS, and I wish you the absolute very best of luck. I am no admissions person, but I think it is great.

The one paragraph about what you learned from your father and grandparents is quite good. I'd just expand that into the whole essay. The intro paragraph seems superfluous (but then again, I hate what is generally considered the purpose of an introductory paragraph). And after that second awesome paragraph, nothing compelling really comes across.

Geist13 wrote:The one paragraph about what you learned from your father and grandparents is quite good. I'd just expand that into the whole essay. The intro paragraph seems superfluous (but then again, I hate what is generally considered the purpose of an introductory paragraph). And after that second awesome paragraph, nothing compelling really comes across.

Thanks for the compliment, I suppose?

I'd would have expanded that to my whole essay, but I feared that it would be at the cost of not talking about extracurriculars and volunteer stuff. While that stuff isn't as compelling imagery-wise, I figured the scholarship committee would like to hear it. Maybe that was a mistake, but I already submitted, so oh well.

daesonesb wrote:

Geist13 wrote:The one paragraph about what you learned from your father and grandparents is quite good. I'd just expand that into the whole essay. The intro paragraph seems superfluous (but then again, I hate what is generally considered the purpose of an introductory paragraph). And after that second awesome paragraph, nothing compelling really comes across.

Thanks for the compliment, I suppose?

I'd would have expanded that to my whole essay, but I feared that it would be at the cost of not talking about extracurriculars and volunteer stuff. While that stuff isn't as compelling imagery-wise, I figured the scholarship committee would like to hear it. Maybe that was a mistake, but I already submitted, so oh well.

That was pretty good, I think you addressed what it seemed like they were looking for in the financial need statement pretty well. I won't give you any advice since you already submitted.

BTW, when did you live in Bham? I went to high school there too, moved there when I was 14 in 1998.