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I've decided on a delivery style for my PS and after some brief work on it was I hoping to get some feedback on what I have so far. Keep in mind, my medical setback is an incredibly large part of my application, it has essentially shaped who I am and how I came about to be in the situation I am currently in. It also justifies some discrepancies in my GPA and transcript, while also being important to understand the adversity I have overcome in my pursuit of law school. My PS needs a lot more content to be added, but I just wanted some initial feedback on style and notable gaps. Cheers!

Removed.

Bump? Any noticeable faux pas made? Any suggestions? What does it feel like its missing?

Thanks in advance!

doriangray wrote:What does it feel like its missing?

Substance

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JustDude wrote:

doriangray wrote:What does it feel like its missing?

Substance

Thanks. Elaborate please.

Mosca wrote:I get the "repetition for emphasis" thing, but you use the word "how" 15 times in the last two paragraphs--6% of the words used. It's too repetitive.

Thanks. I think I'll scrap the 'how' method after the 2nd paragraph. Maybe provide a more direct analysis of how my experiences make me a good candidate.

Thanks for the feedback!

OP I think you have successfully combined my two least favorite personal statement cliches into one, very unsatisfying, piece of prose:

1. Let me bore you to death by telling you why I want to be a lawyer/convince you that I want to be a lawyer
2. Allow me to inform you why my life has been challenging without providing any information that actually reveals what type of person I am.

Don't get me wrong, my hat goes off to you for the medical struggles that you went through, and if you feel it's best to write your personal statement on this subject then go for it. But if you're going to write about it, at least present it in a way that makes you compelling to your audience. You have to remember that your audience, in this case, will only know what you tell them, and thus, can only view you within the frame that you provide. If the only frame you provide is that: Event A happened to me, it was challenging, and then I got better, the adcoms are going to walk away with no appreciation for who you are, and remember you as that applicant with a medical condition.

Remember, you are the protagonist in your personal statement. When you write about something happening to you, you must also write about you happening back. You didn't just lay in a hospital bed, shitting your pants, and crying all day. And if you did, you did so with the resolve to lay, shit, or cry less the next day.

Also, I could be wrong, but I think starting your personal statement with the question of why you want to be a lawyer is a bad way to go. In fact, I think devoting any substantial bulk of your personal statement to this topic is a bad idea. Just my 2 cents, good luck.