The subject of this thread leads me to believe you don't know what objectivity is. Perhaps you do, and you mean to say that you need an objective evaluation of your statement. But it made me think you believed your personal statement lacks objective descriptions of you.
I don't mean to be a jerk by pointing that out, but I think the title is emblematic of the problems that characterize your entire personal statement. Your language just has a general, hard-too-define awkardness to it.
Take, for example, the first sentence of this paragraph:
The new location, individuals and education offered by this new university was a fresh start which I immediately took advantage of. Through
It is difficult to pinpoint precisely why this sentence is such a disaster, so I will go over a few of them in no particular order. First of all, you use "new" twice, which is redundant. Secondly, why not tell me what the location is? Saying something along the lines of "New York offered me x, y, and z," or "Ann Arbor was everything I imagined a college town would be, and i took advantage of x, y, and z." Actual details paint a picture, instead of simply saying "the new location," and I expect that this is partially what people meant when they said your essay lacked "meat."
Next, to say "individuals" were "offered" by the university is a bit awkward and vague in the extreme. I'm not sure if you mean the faculty, the students? Presumably both, but still.
Most importantly, this decision would eventually lead to, six years later, my application and undeniable desire to attend [Law School].
I am sorry, but the "undeniable desire" part just seems odd to me.
It would be an understatement to describe the academics in my first year of college as devastating.
"the academics in my first year"? Devestating as an understatement? Isn't there a better way to say everything in this sentence?
I have never been one to make excuses, but chronic physical pain and sleep deprivation associated with this accident were the reasons behind my hardship. Following a frustrating year of unhappiness, I recognized the need for change. My enthusiastic spirit, quick wit, and ability to command social situations have instinctively led me to assume leadership roles among my peers throughout my life. It is my ability to adapt and excel in unfamiliar situations that define me as an individual.
Now you're just stringing together positive buzz-words to form sentences. The last two sentences in this quote have little or nothing to do with the topic of your paragraph.
Idea for concrete details: one or more of the "leadership roles among my peers."
It is my ability to adapt and excel in unfamiliar situations that define me as an individual
There are two abilitie
s listed here that define you as an individual. "Individual" seems superfluous. Why not just "define you" instead of "define you as an individual?" The latter sounds bullshitty, and I don't think it says anything the first doesn't.
In Australia, I was able to enroll in Business Law. In the first day of class, I instantly became captivated by the course material.
You started with "In" twice. The second one sounds worse, so change that one.
BTW: "was able" to enroll in Business law? First of all, get rid of the passive voice. Secondly, why not just "I enrolled in business law."
Thank you for your time and I hope to see you in the fall of 2010.
Do people do this? Thank ad-comms for reading their statement?
Forgive the harshness. Good luck.