Could someone review my negotiation email? Forum

[kmla14han]

Dear Admissions Officer,

I'm honored to be accepted by usc gould school of law, and have strong intention to attend it. Los Angeles is a place which needs me and vice versa. I know how many immigrants are suffering due to the language barrier. I, a person who can cross over that some of the barriers freely could be a big help. USC is the top law school in Southern California region, with the strongest alumni network. It will be one of the most if not the most appropriate law school to attend, for me.

However, funding law school education is a huge burden. Possibly $270,000 of tuition and living expense over next three years is intimidating. I felt slightly relieved with initial scholarship offer of $25,000 per year. However, tuition is still overwhelming to me. Last week, I've received scholarship offer of $40,000 per year from Emory School of Law in Atlanta, which has lower tuition and lower cost of living. While I have high regional preference for Southern California, it is hard to ignore financial matter when I'm unsure of my future.

If USC could generously offer scholarship comparable to that of Emory - which is $40000 per year and $120000 in total - I would definitely prefer USC. I would like to re-emphasize that USC is, disregarding financial issues, my top choice law school. I sincerely wish that our terms meet and we may one day run into each other in Los Angeles.

[Tls2016]

From a very quick read: Keep the first sentence and delete the rest of the first paragraph. Delete the last two sentences of the email.

The phrase" strong intention" is awkward.
See what other people have to say as I have never negotiated a scholarship.

[Lawcat11]

From a very quick read: Keep the first sentence and delete the rest of the first paragraph. Delete the last two sentences of the email.

See what other people have to say as I have never negotiated a scholarship.

I agree- also you have typos in the second paragraph where you leave out a bunch of articles.

[pppp]

Is English not your first language?

[Bearlyalive]

Dear Admissions Team,

I am very excited to have received an offer for admission from USC Gould School of Law. I believe that the school's alumni network, programs, and its location in Los Angeles make it an ideal choice, and I have a strong desire to enroll and attend starting in the Fall.

Unfortunately, my current financial position makes the cost of attendance a strong factor in my decision. I was happy to receive your initial scholarship offer of $25,000 per year, but I am still concerned about using loans to finance the substantial additional tuition, fees and costs of living that I will incur while attending USC. Last week, I've received scholarship offer of $40,000 per year from Emory School of Law in Atlanta, which has lower tuition and lower cost of living. While I have a strong regional preference for Southern California, the prospect of graduating with significantly less debt from Emory makes their offer very compelling.

I would be very happy if your office would reconsider your initial scholarship offer in light of Emory's offer. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I don't have too much experience with writing these emails, but I think the above edits remove a lot of unnecessary fluff and clean up your message. You already got accepted, so you don't need to sell yourself or your fit; this is about letting them know about a competing offer that you are considering.

I removed the bit about directly matching Emory's offer, but that was largely because I don't know whether or not the schools are considered peers. If they are, you are probably justified in asking for a direct match; if not, I think it is better to simply let them know what Emory's offer is and let them determine how much to bump up their offer to you.

[kkrunner]

There are a couple sentences where you can tell english is your second language. I tried to make it sound a little more natural, and I took out the most of the first paragraph like Tis2016 suggested.

Dear Admissions Officer,

I'm honored to be accepted by usc gould school of law, and I have strong intentions of attending.

However, funding a legal education in today's economy is a huge burden. Over three years,tuition and living expenses nearly exceed $270,000. This figure is intimidating. While I felt slightly relieved with initial scholarship offer of $25,000 per year, the remaining bill is still overwhelming to me. Last week, I received a scholarship offer of $40,000 per year from Emory School of Law in Atlanta, which has lower tuition and lower cost of living. While I have a regional preference for Southern California, it is hard to ignore these financial incentives in times of such economic uncertainty.

If USC could raise my scholarship to that comparable of Emory's - which is $40000 per year, I would very likely attend. Again, I would like to emphasize that USC, ignoring financial issues, is my top choice law school. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[87mm]

There are a couple sentences where you can tell english is your second language. I tried to make it sound a little more natural, and I took out the most of the first paragraph like Tis2016 suggested.

Dear Admissions Officer,

I'm honored to be accepted by USC Gould School of Law, and I have strong intentions of attending.

However, funding a legal education in today's economy is a huge burden. Over three years,tuition and living expenses nearly exceed $270,000. This figure is intimidating. While I felt slightly relieved with initial scholarship offer of $25,000 per year, the remaining bill is still overwhelming to me. Last week, I received a scholarship offer of $40,000 per year from Emory School of Law in Atlanta, which has lower tuition and lower cost of living. While I have a regional preference for Southern California, it is hard to ignore these financial incentives in times of such economic uncertainty.

If USC could raise my scholarship to that comparable of Emory's - which is $40000 per year, I would very likely attend. Again, I would like to emphasize that USC, ignoring financial issues, is my top choice law school. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Would an equivalent UCLA offer (to USC's) also help sway USC along with an Emory offer you think?

[Troianii]

Dear Admissions Team,

I am very excited to have received an offer for admission from USC Gould School of Law. I believe that the school's alumni network, programs, and its location in Los Angeles make it an ideal choice, and I have a strong desire to enroll and attend starting in the Fall.

Unfortunately, my current financial position makes the cost of attendance a strong factor in my decision. I was happy to receive your initial scholarship offer of $25,000 per year, but I am still concerned about using loans to finance the substantial additional tuition, fees and costs of living that I will incur while attending USC. Last week, I've received scholarship offer of $40,000 per year from Emory School of Law in Atlanta, which has lower tuition and lower cost of living. While I have a strong regional preference for Southern California, the prospect of graduating with significantly less debt from Emory makes their offer very compelling.

I would be very happy if your office would reconsider your initial scholarship offer in light of Emory's offer. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I don't have too much experience with writing these emails, but I think the above edits remove a lot of unnecessary fluff and clean up your message. You already got accepted, so you don't need to sell yourself or your fit; this is about letting them know about a competing offer that you are considering.

I removed the bit about directly matching Emory's offer, but that was largely because I don't know whether or not the schools are considered peers. If they are, you are probably justified in asking for a direct match; if not, I think it is better to simply let them know what Emory's offer is and let them determine how much to bump up their offer to you.

+1. Bearlyalive, imo, nailed this on the head for you. The key things are to be brief, polite, and realistic. I would suggest sending them the email as written by Bearlyalive.

[Troianii]

There are a couple sentences where you can tell english is your second language. I tried to make it sound a little more natural, and I took out the most of the first paragraph like Tis2016 suggested.

Dear Admissions Officer,

I'm honored to be accepted by USC Gould School of Law, and I have strong intentions of attending.

However, funding a legal education in today's economy is a huge burden. Over three years,tuition and living expenses nearly exceed $270,000. This figure is intimidating. While I felt slightly relieved with initial scholarship offer of $25,000 per year, the remaining bill is still overwhelming to me. Last week, I received a scholarship offer of $40,000 per year from Emory School of Law in Atlanta, which has lower tuition and lower cost of living. While I have a regional preference for Southern California, it is hard to ignore these financial incentives in times of such economic uncertainty.

If USC could raise my scholarship to that comparable of Emory's - which is $40000 per year, I would very likely attend. Again, I would like to emphasize that USC, ignoring financial issues, is my top choice law school. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Would an equivalent UCLA offer (to USC's) also help sway USC along with an Emory offer you think?

Probably. UCLA is #16, USC is (if I remember right) #23. The gap between #16 and #23 is much bigger than that between #66 and #73. If UCLA, a higher ranked peer school offered *at least* 20k, include them.