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Hello. I am trying to negotiate an increased scholarship from a school, and would like some feedback on the e-mail I am sending them. Here it goes:

To whom it may concern:
I have been accepted into the JD program at [COOLEY] School of Law for the Class of 2016 and wish to inquire about the possibility of additional merit aid. My name is [COOLEY HOPEFUL] (LSAC # L11111111), and I have already been awarded a very generous offer of $[A GOOD CHUNK] per year. I wish to stress that [COOLEY] is a top choice of mine, both due to the excellent job placement and the fact that I will be in close proximity to my family or the next three years. However, I am very concerned about my ability to service the debt that I would incur in three years at [COOLEY], as the legal market is still a very risky proposition. If there is any possibility for increased merit aid, I would greatly appreciate the consideration.
Also, your deposit deadline is on [TOO SOON], and while I am seriously considering [COOLEY], I have yet to receive scholarship information from another school in which I have been accepted. I am in Undergrad and don’t have the expendable income to potentially put down a deposit with two schools, so if it is possible I would like an extension on the deadline so I can make a more informed decision. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely
[COOLEY HOPEFUL]


Now I'm aware that without a competing offer from a higher ranked school, I don't have a great shot, but I figured I should still give it a try. Is this okay? If you had to edit it, how would you do so? Thanks for the help, TLS!

Very good email, a couple of changes I would make:
1: "To whom it may concern" Address it to whoever issued your scholarship and acceptance letter. To whom it may concern seems like you were too lazy to figure out who it should be sent to.
2:"while I am seriously considering [COOLEY]" While Cooley is my first choice.
3: "I am in Undergrad and" Unnecessary, they have your file and know you're in undergrad. I'd just start the sentence with "I don't have the resources to..."

I would also consider cutting the part about extending the deadline and instead just asking to be considered for more money. That way if they say no you can ask for an extension of the deadline which will seem like a reasonable compromise. Gives you a bit more flexibility in negotiating it.

Best of luck to you.