Scholarship Negotiation Letter: Anyone care to take a look? Forum

[dakatz]

I just wrote a scholarship negotiation letter for one of my top choice schools. I was hoping to PM it to some people and get some tips/advice on it.

[dakatz]

Oh what the hell, I'll just post the whole thing on here. Let me know what you think or if there is anything I can improve.

To Whom It May Concern,

I would first like to express my sincere gratitude for X’s offer of admission and generous merit award. I am truly humbled by this scholarship, and it only serves to solidify X’s place as my top choice for law school. Unfortunately, my law school decision will ultimately rest upon financial circumstances. I was recently awarded a scholarship in the amount of $105,450 from School B, as well as a scholarship of $96,000 from School C. If X can offer a similar award to either of the above, I will not hesitate to enroll.

I would like to stress my sincere loyalty toward X. As an undergraduate, I proudly represented X by conducting day tours with prospective students. In addition, I worked for the X Telefund. As one of the top callers in the Telefund office, I raised thousands of dollars for the University via alumni donations. My success as a Telefund caller was not due to a particular skill or ability. Rather, it was due to my spirit and passion for X.

X is undoubtedly where I wish to begin my legal career. It is my sincere hope that financial circumstances will not impede my achievement of this goal. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

[gochrisgo]

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[BenJ]

School B is obviously GW; they're the only ones who give out scholarships in that amount. So as long as he's bargaining with a 15-30 ranked school, they're a perfectly legitimate bargaining chip.

[littlebit]

Have you done the math for total cost to attend for all these schools? It might be a good idea to run those numbers and include that information in your letter. Scholarship awards to private schools in places with high COLs are not good bargaining chips for state schools with low COLs.

[dakatz]

Ok, maybe it will be easier for people to help if they know the schools. X is BU, and the schools I'm using as leverage are GW and WUSTL, both peer institutions of similar rank. So all three are private schools in cities with pretty high COL's. Therefore, total costs are essentially the same across the board.

Honestly, it sounds a bit dry. If you're that dedicated to X, you might add a few more details (maybe they're actually in the real thing, but removed for privacy protection?) about what you did there or what you loved at X; show us something more that shows your true interest.

Also, "financial circumstances will not impede my achievement of this goal" sounds a bit like you just went after the thesaurus for half the words. I'm not suggesting you make it more informal, but something a bit... I dunno... warmer?

Is this like, t3 schollies vs t1 schollies? Or are X, School B, and School C close together so as to make this a solid bargaining piece?

Sounds good. I'll add some more details. I just wasn't sure if length was a problem.

[hotdoglaw]

I sent this letter:
To the Office of Student Finances:

I am writing to inform you that I have narrowed my choices down to a few law schools. All things equal, X would undoubtedly be my number one choice for its strong reputation, small class sizes and ideal location. I received a scholarship from Y in the amount of $30000 annually for my interest in health law and was wondering if X offered similar sorts of scholarships for students with interest in the field of health law. As a married student, financing my legal education is of the utmost concern and whileY's generous scholarship is certainly appealing, receiving merit aid from X would let me comfortably put a deposit on my seat. I greatly look forward to pursuing my interest in health law at X and look forward to meeting my fellow classmates. Also, it would be greatly appreciated if you would confirm that this email was received. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,