Please critique my DS?
Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:47 pm
Edit: If anyone is lurking on this thread, please read my new DS at the bottom of this thread and if you have any feedback it would be much appreciated.
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https://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=136417
CanadianWolf wrote:Who is Matthew ?
CanadianWolf wrote:Your DS is fair to okay if you are applying to any law schools that are aggressively seeking AA males & will tolerate blatant pandering.
Thank you for the honest reply. This was my first draft - sorry for the grammar errors. I was iffy about the whole topic.EbonyEsq wrote:Sorry, but I don't like it. Aside from the major grammatical errors and contradictions (ie you say you will never know what Michael felt but you were, in fact, prejudged and treated as an outsider yourself on the basis of your skin color) I just don't see how it connects to HOW you will add diversity to your law school of choice.
Your statement speaks of your social/cultural development and realization that racism/discrimination is alive and well in many facets of society. While its great to relay how you've evolved, how does that realization help contribute to the law school? How do your experiences add to the law school?
You haven't connected the dots. I'm also not feeling the chronological order of how you've evolved. I don't know, it just doesn't flow well.
Oh and "repetitively" should be "repeatedly". Also, pay attention to your repetition of words/sentence structure (ie "While at xxxxxx University, I have been somewhat taken out of my Westernized bubble and forced to interact with peers from every corner of the globe. While I considered...)
It does feel kind of generic. I've seen a ton of DSs about growing up "colored" in a white neighborhood. I personally chose not to write one because I don't feel that I am especially "racially diverse" in my up-bringing or personality.yngblkgifted wrote:CanadianWolf wrote:Your DS is fair to okay if you are applying to any law schools that are aggressively seeking AA males & will tolerate blatant pandering.
Ok, so ditch it? Can you elaborate on your point? What struck you as "blatant pandering"?
Seconding this, it feels very generic. Nothing seems very unique or novel here that makes you stand out as an individual rather than just person.andedom wrote:It does feel kind of generic.
I think the first couple paragraphs of this post would make an AWESOME start to a DS. In fact, I DARE you to write about that! The admissions folks would either love it or hate it!yngblkgifted wrote:Thank you for the honest reply. This was my first draft - sorry for the grammar errors. I was iffy about the whole topic.EbonyEsq wrote:Sorry, but I don't like it. Aside from the major grammatical errors and contradictions (ie you say you will never know what Michael felt but you were, in fact, prejudged and treated as an outsider yourself on the basis of your skin color) I just don't see how it connects to HOW you will add diversity to your law school of choice.
Your statement speaks of your social/cultural development and realization that racism/discrimination is alive and well in many facets of society. While its great to relay how you've evolved, how does that realization help contribute to the law school? How do your experiences add to the law school?
You haven't connected the dots. I'm also not feeling the chronological order of how you've evolved. I don't know, it just doesn't flow well.
Oh and "repetitively" should be "repeatedly". Also, pay attention to your repetition of words/sentence structure (ie "While at xxxxxx University, I have been somewhat taken out of my Westernized bubble and forced to interact with peers from every corner of the globe. While I considered...)
How will it add to the diversity of a particular law school? Hell if I know. This is where I have a problem. I feel like admissions officers act like blacks have this magical power to bring an enormous amount of "diversity" to law schools just because of our race. It's almost like if accepted we are going to get up during class and start teaching everyone how to break dance. I've heard that I am shooting myself in the foot by not writing a DS as an AA male. Other than my race (which is different from MOST people in law school), I am having trouble finding what else really sets me apart from the other applicants.
I felt like my experience with racism and connecting with a marginalized minority group would be set me apart from at least 75% percent of applicants.
Also,
I said I will never know EXACTLY I never said I didn't understand at all. The bigger problem with this sentence seems like I state the obvious (no one knows EXACTLYhow another human being feels) rather than it is a contradiction. Either way I agree that it needs to be re-worded or taken out.
Do you have any advice on where I should go from here? Should I start over and look for something else to talk about?
andedom wrote:I think the first couple paragraphs of this post would make an AWESOME start to a DS. In fact, I DARE you to write about that! The admissions folks would either love it or hate it!yngblkgifted wrote:Thank you for the honest reply. This was my first draft - sorry for the grammar errors. I was iffy about the whole topic.EbonyEsq wrote:Sorry, but I don't like it. Aside from the major grammatical errors and contradictions (ie you say you will never know what Michael felt but you were, in fact, prejudged and treated as an outsider yourself on the basis of your skin color) I just don't see how it connects to HOW you will add diversity to your law school of choice.
Your statement speaks of your social/cultural development and realization that racism/discrimination is alive and well in many facets of society. While its great to relay how you've evolved, how does that realization help contribute to the law school? How do your experiences add to the law school?
You haven't connected the dots. I'm also not feeling the chronological order of how you've evolved. I don't know, it just doesn't flow well.
Oh and "repetitively" should be "repeatedly". Also, pay attention to your repetition of words/sentence structure (ie "While at xxxxxx University, I have been somewhat taken out of my Westernized bubble and forced to interact with peers from every corner of the globe. While I considered...)
How will it add to the diversity of a particular law school? Hell if I know. This is where I have a problem. I feel like admissions officers act like blacks have this magical power to bring an enormous amount of "diversity" to law schools just because of our race. It's almost like if accepted we are going to get up during class and start teaching everyone how to break dance. I've heard that I am shooting myself in the foot by not writing a DS as an AA male. Other than my race (which is different from MOST people in law school), I am having trouble finding what else really sets me apart from the other applicants.
I felt like my experience with racism and connecting with a marginalized minority group would be set me apart from at least 75% percent of applicants.
Also,
I said I will never know EXACTLY I never said I didn't understand at all. The bigger problem with this sentence seems like I state the obvious (no one knows EXACTLYhow another human being feels) rather than it is a contradiction. Either way I agree that it needs to be re-worded or taken out.
Do you have any advice on where I should go from here? Should I start over and look for something else to talk about?
But yeah, don't sweat it dude. IMO, if you don't feel like you have anything good to write, don't write anything at all. You don't want to come across as someone who cries racism every chance they get.
andedom wrote:It does feel kind of generic. I've seen a ton of DSs about growing up "colored" in a white neighborhood. I personally chose not to write one because I don't feel that I am especially "racially diverse" in my up-bringing or personality.yngblkgifted wrote:CanadianWolf wrote:Your DS is fair to okay if you are applying to any law schools that are aggressively seeking AA males & will tolerate blatant pandering.
Ok, so ditch it? Can you elaborate on your point? What struck you as "blatant pandering"?
This.yngblkgifted wrote:Sometimes I really do want to write that in my DS! I love being black. However, that's not the only thing that defines me.
Of course I may not say those exact things I said in the post like "hell if I know" but in all seriousness....do you all think it might be a good idea to talk about why my race doesn't completely define me...or even why I don't necessarily like the idea of diversity statements solely based on race?
I mean I was halfway joking but I'm thinking I can get pretty passionate about the subject.
I don't know if people think that they are "going wrong," it just seems unoriginal. I believe AA should get extra consideration, but not necessarily because brown skinned people will add large amounts "diversity" to a particular law class. AA should get the consideration because of the historical oppression that has set them at a generational disadvantage compared to their white counterparts.LAWLAW09 wrote:Admissions are giving what would appear to be some type of extra consideration solely due to one's race, and applicants think they can go wrong by writing a statement that emphasizes and affirms their connection to their race?
That's an interesting strategy.
ETA: "I'm Black and proud and this is why..." or "I'm Black and this is why it matters..." does not equal "my race completely defines me."
yngblkgifted wrote:
I don't know if people think that they are "going wrong," it just seems unoriginal. I believe AA should get extra consideration, but not necessarily because brown skinned people will add large amounts "diversity" to a particular law class. AA should get the consideration because of the historical oppression that has set them at a generational disadvantage compared to their white counterparts.
I'm black and proud is different from "my race solely defines me." So I agree with you on that. And that may be the route I will eventually go.( just because it's safer)
My biggest concern is how diversity is defined. I go to a very diverse undergrad where close to half the population is an ethnic minority and you can hear about 4 different languages being spoken at any one time while walking through the student common area. Me being an English speaking, Christian raised, middle-class American doesn't really come off as that "diverse" here.
Yes, unoriginal. However, like you, I would predict that many white applicants have similar themes but not to the degree that black applicants do in regards to diversity statements. First of all, there are ten times more of them and also they aren't expected to stay within the bounds of a particular theme the same way black applicants are (e.i. ethnicity).LAWLAW09 wrote:yngblkgifted wrote:
I don't know if people think that they are "going wrong," it just seems unoriginal. I believe AA should get extra consideration, but not necessarily because brown skinned people will add large amounts "diversity" to a particular law class. AA should get the consideration because of the historical oppression that has set them at a generational disadvantage compared to their white counterparts.
I'm black and proud is different from "my race solely defines me." So I agree with you on that. And that may be the route I will eventually go.( just because it's safer)
My biggest concern is how diversity is defined. I go to a very diverse undergrad where close to half the population is an ethnic minority and you can hear about 4 different languages being spoken at any one time while walking through the student common area. Me being an English speaking, Christian raised, middle-class American doesn't really come off as that "diverse" here.
Unoriginal? There are ten times the amount of white applicants accepted to those same schools. You think they all came up with original themes for their essays? I don't. A well-written, creative, applicant-specific essay is just that, regardless of who else might try a similar angle.
I'm not addressing whether AA's should or shouldn't have other factors considered. There isn't a school out there that defines diversity as what you seem to be implying -- that race is the only thing that falls under the diversity umbrella.
Diversity gets put into a distorted box on TLS and in too many daily conversations. For folks that work in higher education and that believe in the value of diversity, many of them do so for reasons that have nothing to with oppression or racism. Many of them understand that if you want academic excellence - at an individual and institutional level- that can only be achieved by making diversity a priority and a reality for that environment. The fact that there are few adcomms or schools that are willing to believe that to a degree that might cause them to admit more URMs or lose their jobs, does not necessarily negate that belief.
yngblkgifted wrote:
Yes, unoriginal. However, like you, I would predict that many white applicants have similar themes but not to the degree that black applicants do in regards to diversity statements. First of all, there are ten times more of them and also they aren't expected to stay within the bounds of a particular theme the same way black applicants are (e.i. ethnicity).
Also, I'm not entirely convinced that academic excellence is enhanced that much by admitting a "diverse" population of students. Yes, it will add to the social environment and will allow people to interact with other people they normally would not interact with, but will it help them learn the material better? I'm not saying it won't but I don't know.
This is true.LAWLAW09 wrote:yngblkgifted wrote:
Yes, unoriginal. However, like you, I would predict that many white applicants have similar themes but not to the degree that black applicants do in regards to diversity statements. First of all, there are ten times more of them and also they aren't expected to stay within the bounds of a particular theme the same way black applicants are (e.i. ethnicity).
Also, I'm not entirely convinced that academic excellence is enhanced that much by admitting a "diverse" population of students. Yes, it will add to the social environment and will allow people to interact with other people they normally would not interact with, but will it help them learn the material better? I'm not saying it won't but I don't know.
The bolded seems to explain why you're struggling to write your diversity statement.
I do not have a solution for you.
I disagree with your comments in bold....While it is true, you have to remember that you are not being compared to other white applicants. You are being compared to other African Americans. I am a black male and I've dealt with racism and I'm pretty sure many applicants will write about this same topic. Think about something else that would make the admissions committee accept you.yngblkgifted wrote:Thank you for the honest reply. This was my first draft - sorry for the grammar errors. I was iffy about the whole topic.EbonyEsq wrote:Sorry, but I don't like it. Aside from the major grammatical errors and contradictions (ie you say you will never know what Michael felt but you were, in fact, prejudged and treated as an outsider yourself on the basis of your skin color) I just don't see how it connects to HOW you will add diversity to your law school of choice.
Your statement speaks of your social/cultural development and realization that racism/discrimination is alive and well in many facets of society. While its great to relay how you've evolved, how does that realization help contribute to the law school? How do your experiences add to the law school?
You haven't connected the dots. I'm also not feeling the chronological order of how you've evolved. I don't know, it just doesn't flow well.
Oh and "repetitively" should be "repeatedly". Also, pay attention to your repetition of words/sentence structure (ie "While at xxxxxx University, I have been somewhat taken out of my Westernized bubble and forced to interact with peers from every corner of the globe. While I considered...)
How will it add to the diversity of a particular law school? Hell if I know. This is where I have a problem. I feel like admissions officers act like blacks have this magical power to bring an enormous amount of "diversity" to law schools just because of our race. It's almost like if accepted we are going to get up during class and start teaching everyone how to break dance. I've heard that I am shooting myself in the foot by not writing a DS as an AA male. Other than my race (which is different from MOST people in law school), I am having trouble finding what else really sets me apart from the other applicants.
I felt like my experience with racism and connecting with a marginalized minority group would be set me apart from at least 75% percent of applicants.
Also,
I said I will never know EXACTLY I never said I didn't understand at all. The bigger problem with this sentence seems like I state the obvious (no one knows EXACTLYhow another human being feels) rather than it is a contradiction. Either way I agree that it needs to be re-worded or taken out.
Do you have any advice on where I should go from here? Should I start over and look for something else to talk about?