Top Law Schools

Please don't quote my DS in your responses. If you want to edit it through quoting it, please PM me. Thank you


That being said... I am more concern on stylistic/conceptual advice and whether or not I am on the right track. I know there is a lot of grammatical errors (the proper use of a comma seems to allude me) but I will deal with those later.

Edited out -- thanks for all the advice

I like it, I think it's good. It's also strikingly similar to my 3rd attempt at my DS, at least the first couple of paragraphs lol.

Just curious, what are your numbers like and where are you applying? (just wondering if adcomms will be reading both of our DS's, not that it matters at all)

Knockglock wrote:I like it, I think it's good. It's also strikingly similar to my 3rd attempt at my DS, at least the first couple of paragraphs lol.

Thanks

Anyone else have any suggestions/comments/advice/critique?

seriously i have no advice for you, sorry

bleu wrote:seriously i have no advice for you, sorry

heh, well thanks for the meme and the free bump

no problem

I love Goya and your DS.

It's a bit awkward. The first paragraph is great, but the second paragraph is a touch offensive due to the simplistic & harsh labeling of others as "southern racial bigots". After reading this phrase the reader might think of you in a negative light as your inner-most thoughts reveal an unattractive side that sours the rest of your personal statement. The irony is that their supposed, or imagined, label for you, "an intruder", is so much less offensive than your label for them, "southern racial bigots", that it raises the question as to whom is the real racist here. This concern is solidified by your failure to delve deeper into why others may feel that you are an intruder; perhaps it's because they can sense your cruel, judgmental opinion of them.

CanadianWolf wrote:It's a bit awkward. The first paragraph is great, but the second paragraph is a touch offensive due to the simplistic & harsh labeling of others as "southern racial bigots". After reading this phrase the reader might think of you in a negative light as your inner-most thoughts reveal an unattractive side that sours the rest of your personal statement. The irony is that their supposed, or imagined, label for you, "an intruder", is so much less offensive than your label for them, "southern racial bigots", that it raises the question as to whom is the real racist here. This concern is solidified by your failure to delve deeper into why others may feel that you are an intruder; perhaps it's because they can sense your cruel, judgmental opinion of them.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Imho it is just speaks to the nature of the mindset of a portion of the population in the south. Bigot - "a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance". I personally don't see how using that term is offensive or racist. They consider me a intruder (like I mentioned in the DS) because of my skin tone. An intruder that should be deported from the country that I was born with citizenship to. I am not saying "all white people are bigots" or "all southerners are bigots" -- I refine the statement to a select few that I have encountered.

Judging from your user name it makes me think that you have never grown up in the South (could be wrong, just an assumption) -- have you ever experienced people holding up signs as the ones below? How would you go about describing your feeling towards these people?

To me, it wasn't so apparent upon first reading but I can see why it might be a bit off-putting for the following reasons:

1) You don't mention where you're from before you use the term "southern racial bigots," only that you're a US citizen. You give no context for your deeming of the racial bigots as southern.
2) Unless you grew up in all of the south, you might not want to generalize all southerners as racial bigots. You grew up in Texas. Your experiences were in Texas. Lumping the lot of bigots you encountered into a larger "southern racial bigot" category isn't something you have the authority to do. That's a hackneyed portrayal, that does you a disservice, because, as Canadian Wolf said, you're doing the exact same "labeling" that you're accusing the bigots of.
3) Simply stating "racial bigots" would suffice. If you mention where you grew up prior to stating this, then the reader may/may not conjure up the image of "southern racial bigots" if they are so inclined. But you don't want to do that for them.

So, it adds nothing to the quality of the essay. It could, in some interpretations, have the potential of taking away from the quality of the essay. When it comes down to taking it or leaving it -- take it out.

ShuckingNotJiving wrote:To me, it wasn't so apparent upon first reading but I can see why it might be a bit off-putting for the following reasons:

1) You don't mention where you're from before you use the term "southern racial bigots," only that you're a US citizen. You give no context for your deeming of the racial bigots as southern.
2) Unless you grew up in all of the south, you might not want to generalize all southerners as racial bigots. You grew up in Texas. Your experiences were in Texas. Lumping the lot of bigots you encountered into a larger "southern racial bigot" category isn't something you have the authority to do. That's a hackneyed portrayal, that does you a disservice, because, as Canadian Wolf said, you're doing the exact same "labeling" that you're accusing the bigots of.
3) Simply stating "racial bigots" would suffice. If you mention where you grew up prior to stating this, then the reader may/may not conjure up the image of "southern racial bigots" if they are so inclined. But you don't want to do that for them.

So, it adds nothing to the quality of the essay. It could, in some interpretations, have the potential of taking away from the quality of the essay. When it comes down to taking it or leaving it -- take it out.

Thanks - this explanation makes more sense to me, so the qualm isn't with my use of 'racial bigots' but with my choice of lumping an entire region into my assessment?

Yes. Exactly.

Tiva:
I am sorry if my criticism seems too harsh. Basically your assessment of those you labeled as "southern racial bigots" appears just as superficial as others labeling you as an "intruder". (Two wrongs don't make a right.)
I am not trying to be unnecessarily severe in my analysis, I just think that if you look at the situation from a different perspective you will realize that your diversity statement needs to have more substance than simply writing that you are different & that you perceive others as judging you based on the visual difference. Your essay would be more interesting if you explored why others react in such a fashion and/or explored why you think others see you in that manner.
P.S. It really doesn't matter where I was born, raised or have lived, although it does seem as if you are trying to project your inner feelings. But, to partially address your question to me, I would like to talk to the protestors holding the signs to better understand their position. I see the signs & wonder why they feel so intensely about immigration & I want to understand their perspective(s).

CanadianWolf wrote:Tiva:
I am sorry if my criticism seems too harsh. Basically your assessment of those you labeled as "southern racial bigots" appears just as superficial as others labeling you as an "intruder". (Two wrongs don't make a right.)
I am not trying to be unnecessarily severe in my analysis, I just think that if you look at the situation from a different perspective you will realize that your diversity statement needs to have more substance than simply writing that you are different & that you perceive others as judging you based on the visual difference. Your essay would be more interesting if you explored why others react in such a fashion and/or explored why you think others see you in that manner.
P.S. It really doesn't matter where I was born, raised or have lived, although it does seem as if you are trying to project your inner feelings. But, to partially address your question to me, I would like to talk to the protestors holding the signs to better understand their position. I see the signs & wonder why they feel so intensely about immigration & I want to understand their perspective(s).

Yah I did not mean to come off as abrasive or ungrateful for your critic. I wanted to make sure that the sentiment was shared amongst other readers. I don't think you are being harsh (actually, harsh critique is exactly what I am looking for).

Isn't the whole point of a diversity statement to show how you are different and thus bring diversity to the classroom?

I only have one page to work with and it seems its going to be hard to fit in a analysis of various immigration view points into my DS without it ceasing to be about my experiences. The sentence is merely there to show that growing up I faced experiences that made me question whether or not I was apart of groups that are a part of my identity.

The question about your geography is to understand more fully where your perspective is coming from. A lot of these people who are holding these signs are not those that you can approach as a minority that is the target of their vitriol and expect to have a productive logical discussion about their viewpoints.

Knockglock wrote:I like it, I think it's good. It's also strikingly similar to my 3rd attempt at my DS, at least the first couple of paragraphs lol.

Just curious, what are your numbers like and where are you applying? (just wondering if adcomms will be reading both of our DS's, not that it matters at all)

Lol at one white dude fighting with white dude over who gets to be diverse Did you copy my white dude trying to be diverse statement? Are you applying to the same school as me? Lol all white dudes are the same.

12AngryMen wrote:

Knockglock wrote:I like it, I think it's good. It's also strikingly similar to my 3rd attempt at my DS, at least the first couple of paragraphs lol.

Just curious, what are your numbers like and where are you applying? (just wondering if adcomms will be reading both of our DS's, not that it matters at all)

Lol at one white dude fighting with white dude over who gets to be diverse Did you copy my white dude trying to be diverse statement? Are you applying to the same school as me? Lol all white dudes are the same.

Huh? I am not a "white dude". Everyone outside my nuclear family lives in Mexico/Spain.

Honestly, what is the point of your post?

I know that you've straightened it out already Tiva, but I agree with the southern racial bigot statement and how it makes you look. As a fellow Mexican-American who spent quite a bit of time in San Antonio and Austin, I actually felt very comfortable because of the large Latino population that exists there. Kind of like New Mexico, Texas was once a part of Mexico and so many areas are very much Mexican-American affluent. I think that many adcomms are probably aware that Texas, and especially places like Austin, is a bit different than other southern states - so it is good to focus on Texas as Texas, rather than Texas as part of the stereotypical South.

esq wrote:I know that you've straightened it out already Tiva, but I agree with the southern racial bigot statement and how it makes you look. As a fellow Mexican-American who spent quite a bit of time in San Antonio and Austin, I actually felt very comfortable because of the large Latino population that exists there. Kind of like New Mexico, Texas was once a part of Mexico and so many areas are very much Mexican-American affluent. I think that many adcomms are probably aware that Texas, and especially places like Austin, is a bit different than other southern states - so it is good to focus on Texas as Texas, rather than Texas as part of the stereotypical South.

Cool - yah. I definitely see that now. How it reads currently (without the southern modifier) do I come across as an intolerant douche? Also, other then that... is the rest of the content up to snuff? Any comments on the new paragraph I am thinking about substituting in?

Thanks everyone

Especially compared to your first DS, I am really impressed with this statement Tiva. I think that it really does convey the issues of diversity that many Mexican-Americans have to deal with. I think that you pull together many of the different elements that are a part of your life and show the reader how it affected you personally, and it comes off as very honest which is good too.

And I'm not sure that I would call you a douche for pointing to race issues in the South. I too have been in parts of TX, particularly where my wife comes from in Canyon Lake (like 98% white, confederate flags flying on lawns) where I was made to feel uncomfortable about my race. My grandfather never knew his own parents because they sent him to live with his aunt in Monterrey to avoid the racism in McAllen, TX and get the kind of education that he couldn't in the US - so I get where you're coming from. I was just pointing out that if you are talking about TX, and Austin in particular, you've got to qualify it carefully because many of the adcomms might not think of Austin in the way they think about Montgomery, Ala, or other areas of the South.

ps. I like the second paragraph ending, though I would keep the sentence about becoming secure with your own identity from the first P and then I would clearly point out that Spain (it being a mixture of cultures that operate independently but together at the same time, which you explained really well) is in fact analogous to who you are. This will help the reader, me in particularly, to then understand this statement:

Edited for quoted portion.

I think this is a really strong beginning for your DS. I enjoyed your writing and I feel that as you polish this up it will be a great asset to your applications.

I don't know if many people on TLS would agree with this, but one thing I would like to see more of in DS essays is a more explicit statement about how you will share your background and experiences with your fellow students and faculty. I would think schools like to hear that by having you in their class it will broaden class discussion, help other students gain new perspectives, etc. I think your essay could be stronger if you included a few sentences not just about your own experiences, but how you hope to use those experiences to benefit others. Does that make sense?

esq wrote: ps. I like the second paragraph ending, though I would keep the sentence about becoming secure with your own identity from the first P and then I would clearly point out that Spain (it being a mixture of cultures that operate independently but together at the same time, which you explained really well) is in fact analogous to who you are. This will help the reader, me in particularly, to then understand this statement: "Through synthesis a nexus point has been created within my heritage which has allowed me to relate to disparate groups by looking at situations through differing perspectives."

Hmm... I think you misunderstood what paragraph it was suppose to replace. Anyways -- I have edited my first post to how my draft is now (didn't change much)... others have mentioned and I sorta agree that the replaced paragraph is a bit detached/dry.

My problem now is that it is too long and I don't know what to cut (1.5pgs 12pt font/double space). Most DS prompts I see ask to keep it to 1 page. I am thinking about just nixing that entire paragraph but it would leave a pretty big part of myself out of it.

Emma. wrote: I don't know if many people on TLS would agree with this, but one thing I would like to see more of in DS essays is a more explicit statement about how you will share your background and experiences with your fellow students and faculty. I would think schools like to hear that by having you in their class it will broaden class discussion, help other students gain new perspectives, etc. I think your essay could be stronger if you included a few sentences not just about your own experiences, but how you hope to use those experiences to benefit others. Does that make sense?

Yah I completely understand your point. Fighting for space atm but I will try and sneak something in there at the end.

Tiva:
The whole point of a diversity statement is not to show that you are different, but, rather, how that difference molded you into who you have become, how you view others & the world, and to demonstrate your ability to understand & sensitivity to others' perspectives.
The classroom diversity that is important should be in your head, not on your skin.

From my mother and the Mexican culture I was taught the importance of family, a lesson that was solidified by a responsibility that is etched into the core of my identity. By becoming a caregiver for my uncle who has muscular dystrophy I became enriched spiritually and realized how blessed I am for the opportunities I have been afforded. Even though the reality of caring for a fully grown disabled adult was emotionally and physically exhausting at times, I don't regret the experience. Through the years a bond between us grew in which I learned, not only about my uncle's life story and our shared cultural heritage but, about the stark realities that the disabled community faces in Mexico.

This may just be me, especially since no one else has pointed it out but the paragraph above I feel is just filler and should be taken out. It shifts the whole DS for me and doesnt really speak to your diversity.

CanadianWolf wrote:Tiva:
The whole point of a diversity statement is not to show that you are different, but, rather, how that difference molded you into who you have become, how you view others & the world, and to demonstrate your ability to understand & sensitivity to others' perspectives.
The classroom diversity that is important should be in your head, not on your skin.

I think I attempted to do just that (I speak about the importance of family/tolerance that I learned through my experiences). I agree wholeheartedly with the last statement, but I believe the former can be shaped by the latter. If it is only about how different we perceive the world there should be tons of applicable diversity statements from non-minority candidates. Perhaps I am wrong though. As my statement reads now, are you still at issue with how I come across using the racial bigot label (without the southern modifier)?

trialjunky wrote: This may just be me, especially since no one else has pointed it out but the paragraph above I feel is just filler and should be taken out. It shifts the whole DS for me and doesnt really speak to your diversity.

Interesting... Hmmm so much to think about. Caring for my uncle has surely left an imprint on my identity. Any other peoples thoughts on this?

Labels are bad. You might want to write that you have experienced "racial bigotry", but don't label others since it comes across as superficial & overly simplistic while suggesting that, rather than rising above prejudice, you have lowered yourself to that level.