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A few key flaws.

1. Too many subjects
2. Too long for a DS

This is well written, and interesting, yet in about two pages you have revealed to me your sexual orientation, background as a business professional, the fact you were a varsity athlete, and etc...etc....etc... While it may sound diverse, every one of these things will likely fade into nothingness when it is taken in the context of thousands of other essays. I would take the age/non-traditional aspect and run with it. It also sounds like you may be interested in submitting an academic addendum for your UG performace? Go narrower in scope, go deeper, and it will be more memorable, this is a total Golden Corral of a DS.

Ha! Thanks. I like the Golden Corral reference.

The school I'm applying to allows up to 4 pages. This is only 3. But I hear you on the topics. I'll see about cutting it down.

Thanks!

What if I took out the first paragraph?

The "self-confidence" stuff is probably what I would cut, it doesn't contribute to your theme very well, at least the theme I think you should stick with, which is that you are Non-Trad, ie: real world experience.

I'd keep the first paragraph but cut the "People who" line.

Good advice. Much appreciated.