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kristina88 wrote:Do you think I should use it as a conclusion or delete it all together?

jsoell wrote:[strike]As I arrived home from my university, the aroma of chicken and rice made me feel at ease. Family dinners are tradition and this is one tradition I deeply miss while I am away at school. However, tonight was unlike any other night. I could feel the tension in the air and see the sadness in my mother’s eyes. This was the night my life would change forever. [[[THIS IS PRETTY DRAMATIC - IT'S ONE OF THOSE SENTENCES THAT I WOULD HIGHLIGHT AND THEN GO BACK TO AT THE END AND READ IT THROUGH WITH AND WITHOUT IT. IF YOU NEED IT TO SET THE TONE, KEEP IT. IF NOT, I'D TAKE IT OUT]]]

As we sat down for dinner, my mother turned to my sister and I. “Alex will not be joining us this evening”, she stated. This caught my sister and I [ME] off guard, and we inquired where Alex was. I could see the hurt building in my mother’s eyes, [COMMA NOT REALLY NECESSARY] as she told us that Alex had been arrested and was serving time in the juvenile detention center. During his time in the detention center several people saw my brother as a failure I used to be one of them. [REWORD THIS ---- MAYBE "While my brother was in the detention center, many people began to see him as a failure. I used to be one of them."]There are many things I wish could have been done differently in order to protect my brother, my family, and myself from this tragic experience.

While my brother was confined to the four walls of juvenile detention, I took it upon myself to help learn more about the experiences he would be subjected to. Being under 21 at the time of his incarceration, I was not able to visit my brother while in the detention center, instead I relied on my own research I conducted in order to learn more about the legal process. [that last sentence is saying that you were under 21 at the time. Are you saying that or that your brother was under 21?]

After [Since] Alex’s dismissal from juvenile detention, he is motivated to complete tasks that other teenagers take for granted. These goals include getting a driver’s license, graduating high school and getting accepted to college. Alex’s incarceration period has changed my identity for the better. From this experience, I have learned not to take anyone or anything for granted. I now have a new appreciation for my brother because he has survived through this experience and continues to set positive goals for himself. Although his goals may seem trivial, his desire to accomplish those goals has helped me to continue to set goals for my life.

[I HAVE TO RUN RIGHT NOW, SO I'M STOPPING THE PROOFING. ONE THING THOUGH - THIS IS ONE OF THOSE PS THAT I ALMOST FEEL LIKE THE ADMISSIONS FOLKS MIGHT RESPOND BY SAYING THAT THEY'RE MORE INTERESTED IN YOUR BROTHER THAN IN YOU. YOU SAY THAT YOU'VE BEEN OVERCOMING OBSTACLES, BUT[/strike]THE STORY IS ABOUT YOUR BROTHER]

Tanicius wrote:

kristina88 wrote:Do you think I should use it as a conclusion or delete it all together?

Altogether. Everything you say in it will be understood without you having to say it, because it's just a summary of your PS.

kristina88 wrote:do the lines mean you don't like the essay?

Being a lawyer requires one to be an advocate for their client

kristina88 wrote:THOUGHTS.....?

The police arrested my 14-year-old brother in October 2008. Although he was released from juvenile detention center eight month later, the impact of his incarceration is everlasting. This experience tested my emotional strength and courage. It has taught me lessons about the complexities of the legal system and has evoked my interest and drive to pursue a law degree. This experience has provided me with the maturity and wisdom that will bring a distinctive perspective to the BLANK law school.

As I arrived home from my university, the aroma of chicken and rice made me feel at ease. Family dinners are tradition and this is one tradition I deeply miss while I am away at school. However, tonight was unlike any other night. I could feel the tension in the air and see the sadness in my mother’s eyes. This was the night my life would change forever.

As we sat down for dinner, my mother turned to my sister and I. “Alex will not be joining us this evening”, she stated. This caught my sister and I off guard, and we inquired where Alex was. I could see the hurt building in my mother’s eyes, as she told us that Alex had been arrested and was serving time in the juvenile detention center. During his time in the detention center several people saw my brother as a failure I used to be one of them. There are many things I wish could have been done differently in order to protect my brother, my family, and myself from this tragic experience.

While my brother was confined to the four walls of juvenile detention, I took it upon myself to help learn more the experiences he would be subjected to. Being under 21 at the time of his incarceration, I was not able to visit my brother while in the detention center, instead I relied on my own research I conducted in order to learn more about the legal process.

After Alex’s dismissal from juvenile detention, he is motivated to complete tasks that other teenagers take for granted. These goals include getting a driver’s license, graduating high school and getting accepted to college. Alex’s incarceration period has changed my identity for the better. From this experience, I have learned not to take anyone or anything for granted. I now have a new appreciation for my brother because he has survived through this experience and continues to set positive goals for himself. Although his goals may seem trivial, his desire to accomplish those goals has helped me to continue to set goals for my life.

Not only have I witnessed a firsthand account of the legal system in action, Alex’s incarceration has inspired me to tackle a new challenge in life; becoming a lawyer. The legal system Alex went through has provided me with a desire to understand the deeper legal structures of the law.

Being a lawyer requires one to be an advocate for their client. During this experience I have worked to not only be an advocate for my brother, but for my family as a whole. In my life, I am only personally satisfied when helping others. By becoming a lawyer, I hope to use my experiences to help other troubled teens similar to my brother.

I have been through many obstacles in my life, and I know that while attending Law School, many more curveballs will be thrown at me. This experience has taught me lessons about the complexities of the legal system and has evoked my interest and drive to pursue a law degree. This experience has provided me with the maturity and wisdom that will mold me into the lawyer I will be tomorrow.

dudester wrote:

kristina88 wrote:do the lines mean you don't like the essay?

To be honest, I don't think this essay will get you accepted anywhere. Here's why:

The police arrested my 14-year-old brother in October 2008. Although he was released from juvenile detention center eight month later, the impact of his incarceration is everlasting. This experience tested my emotional strength and courage. (How?)It has taught me lessons (What lessons?) about the complexities of the legal system and has evoked my interest and drive to pursue a law degree. This experience has provided me with the maturity and wisdom (You better be ready to back this up. You can't just piggyback on your brother's experience.) that will bring a distinctive perspective (If only adcoms had a penny for every time they've read this cliche) to the BLANK law school.
As I arrived home from my university, the aroma of chicken and rice made me feel at ease. Family dinners are tradition and this is one tradition I deeply miss while I am away at school. However, tonight was unlike any other night. I could feel the tension in the air and see the sadness in my mother’s eyes. This was the night my life would change forever.(Again, you're making a very strong statement, so you have to back it up.)
As we sat down for dinner, my mother turned to my sister and I. “Alex will not be joining us this evening”, she stated. This caught my sister and I off guard, and we inquired where Alex was. I could see the hurt building in my mother’s eyes, as she told us that Alex had been arrested and was serving time in the juvenile detention center. (This bit makes me think that you may have skewed the time line a little too much. Nobody noticed your mom was distraught before sitting down for dinner? Nobody asked where Alex was before your mother mentioned he wasn't going to join you that night? Learning he wasn't going to join you caught you "off guard", so you were surely expecting him. Was Alex arrested, tried, sentenced and sent to a juvenile detention center in 24 hours? My point is that if you're going to go for impact, you have to make sure the story makes sense.)(During his time in the detention center several people saw my brother as a failure I used to be one of them) (Why? Or, more importantly, what changed?[)/color]. There are many things I wish could have been done differently (What's your argument here? If you can't mention at least some specifics, then Alex was sent to juvie simply because he committed an offense.) in order to protect my brother, my family, and myself from this tragic experience.
While my brother was confined to the four walls of juvenile detention, I took it upon myself to help learn more the experiences he would be subjected to (What do you mean? He was sent to juvie, not to Guantanamo Bay.). Being under 21 at the time of his incarceration, I was not able to visit my brother while in the detention center, instead I relied on my own research I conducted in order to learn more about the legal process (So what "evoked" you interest in the law was not what your brother shared with you about incarceration, but your speculation about what that must have been like?).
After Alex’s dismissal from juvenile detention, he is motivated to complete tasks that other teenagers take for granted. These goals include getting a driver’s license, graduating high school and getting accepted to college. (This has nothing to do with you.) Alex’s incarceration period has changed my identity (How?)for the better. From this experience, I have learned not to take anyone or anything for granted (Is that it?). I now have a new appreciation for my brother because he has survived through this experience and continues to set positive goals for himself.(Good for him) Although his goals may seem trivial, his desire to accomplish those goals has helped me to continue to set goals for my life.(How can his desire to get a driver license be what motivates you to keep setting goals for yourself?)
Not only have I witnessed a firsthand account of the legal system in action, Alex’s incarceration has inspired me to tackle a new challenge in life; becoming a lawyer. The legal system Alex went through has provided me with a desire to understand the deeper legal structures of the law. (This just doesn't make sense.)
Being a lawyer requires one to be an advocate for their client (Adcoms know this.). During this experience I have worked to not only be an advocate for my brother, but for my family as a whole (This came out of nowhere.). In my life, I am only personally satisfied when helping others.(Yet you didn't even mention if and how you helped your own brother cope with his incarceration.) By becoming a lawyer, I hope to use my experiences to help other troubled teens similar to my brother. (See previous comment)
I have been through many obstacles in my life(You didn't mention a single one of them), and I know that while attending Law School, many more curveballs will be thrown at me. This experience has taught me lessons about the complexities of the legal system and has evoked my interest and drive to pursue a law degree. This experience has provided me with the maturity and wisdom that will mold me into the lawyer I will be tomorrow. (You just reminded me that I have learned absolutely nothing about you.)

Answering some of the questions I wrote in would help make the essay more about you and less about you brother.

fl0w wrote:this essay is about your brother. write something about YOU. I don't think you can use this at all.

vanwinkle wrote:

fl0w wrote:this essay is about your brother. write something about YOU. I don't think you can use this at all.

What's really funny is that you're not the first person to say this, and yet just a few minutes ago she created yet another thread on this PS without changing it at all.

It seems obvious she doesn't want actual advice, she wants someone to tell her that this is good enough so she can submit it.

Cavalier wrote:You're not getting into Harvard with that personal statement.