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9/22/08:

I am going to become the Batman of my apartment complex. When someone walks their dog and doesn't pick up after them, I'm going to throw the dog crap at their door. If someone parks inconsiderately, I will serve justice by pouring gasoline on their front door and putting a book of matches on their door step as a warning. The second time, I will pour gasoline on them in their sleep and throw a lit match on them. And for good measure, I'll place light bulbs on the door handle of some residents' doors(the kind with handles, not knobs). When they open the door- boom. I'm sure they've done something wrong to someone in the past week, and they will think "Oh crap, Batman got me for cheating on my boyfriend. I better stop before he throws a light bulb at my face in my sleep." If things don't improve, I'll start stea from one apartment complex and place the stolen goods in another apartment. I'll wait for the resident to return, tie them up to the stole item, such as a TV, and prop their door open. Real thieves will be far too scared to ever attempt another burglary.

In serving justice, I will create the perfect fear-induced utopia.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.







*I stole this from someone, but it was too good not to post.